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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Just fled my holiday accomodation.
Post Info TOPIC: Just fled my holiday accomodation.
Luiza


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Just fled my holiday accomodation.
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We are abroad in a beach Villa. H has been drinking from the airport, on the plane and here non stop for 3 days now. 

I have been minding my own business and leaving him alone. 

Tonight he came in our apartment drunk and as daughter woke up and asked for water he did give it to her. Than kept  talking and kissing her and accidentally poked her eye. She cried so I got up to see if she was ok. He wanted to hold me, I told him to go to sleep. He started asking why i was being a b***. i told him to go to sleep, daughter was awake and listening, all the usual, but he kept gping on so I went silent. This also didn't work so he slammed one door really hard. I got up, got daughter and walked across the villa to his family's apartment. We are here now. His brother and sister are there  trying to reason with him (ha ha ha) thinking after a good chat he will behave normally. His brother went first and I had the chance to talk to SIL and answer some questions.... No SIL he doesnt  drink like this because he is on holidays..... It is just his daily routine. 

Mil and Pil are sleeping but I am sure tomorrow they will hear about it. 

I was shaking when I came to his family's apartment. My voice was ahaking. It was 2am. Bil and Sil were awake because they had been drinking wirh him.  

Husband of course thinks I am a b**** and I ruined the holidays. i dont care. The more his family see the better. I won't need to explain why I separate when I do. 

Also I covered the covers of my books so people wouldn't see what I am reading. I was reading about alcoholism and his mother asked what I was reading so I showed her. She asked why so I told her.  

Sil just arrived saying that her and bil will sleep over there and we can sleep here and they will stay there with H. 

Not sure how things will be tomorrow but I am glad I didn't put up with abuse and removed daughter from the situation.   

 



-- Edited by hotrod on Thursday 21st of August 2014 07:07:56 PM

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grateful2be


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I am glad you had a place you could go with your daughter for rest.

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Luiza


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I am sorry this happened but I really didn't want daughter to be scared. If I stayed there he would go on and on and on calling me a b***.
I hope he got the message I will not tolerate it. If I was back home I could call the police.



-- Edited by hotrod on Thursday 21st of August 2014 10:01:16 PM

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Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must but take the step.
tiredtonite


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I'm sorry this is off to an ugly start for you but glad to hear you and your daughter were able to take refuge with the inlaws for today.  It's good they were supportive of you in that way.  TT



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PP


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Bravo to you for doing the right thing by you and your daughter.  He is a bully.  There is no need for you to apologize for anything...you did not cause, cannot control and cannot cure.  I am so glad you had somewhere else to go,  take good care.



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Paula
Luiza


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I am glad and happy I did the right thing even if it meant inconvenience for other people. Protecting my daughter from abuse is my number 1 priority.
I would never travel with is family if they didn't support me. I am lucky they do. They know how difficult H can be. 
But when I travel only with H this doesn't happen. I am not a drinking buddy like SIL or BIL (not blaming them of course and they are always sober btw) but when H drinks alone he drinks less and doesn't get aggressive.
He could have been such a great husband and father if it wasn't for his drinking. It is such a shame.
I am feeling so many mixed emotions right now. Guilty, maybe I should have left him to sort daughter crying himself, maybe I should have let him to hold me. Regret, why was I so stupid to get involved with him? The signs were there from the beginning. Anger/Sorry, I feel sorry and angry with him at the same time. I am so scared for the future. Separate, being a single mother, deal with visitation days, worry about daughter being with him...
It is all so overwhelming.
I just wish I had a proper partner. Not this excuse of a husband.
I feel ashamed really. I can't forgive myself for making such a bad choice.



-- Edited by Luiza on Thursday 21st of August 2014 07:53:03 PM

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Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must but take the step.
missmeliss


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I had to do the same thing recently, flee to a friend's house for the night with my daughter. I was just glad I could! You made a good choice...as for not forgiving yourself for choosing him in the first place....you're in good company, there seem to be quite a few of us who have made that same decision! You didn't know how it would turn out, none of us did. It's what you do today that counts and right now you are making good choices.

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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Jerry F


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((((Luiza))))...Let it go...you've done good better than the stuff that doesn't work so give yourself some validation and a pat on the back and let us hold you and hold you up for now.  You are going good.   ((((hugs)))) smile



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el-cee


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Getting yourself to safety was a good move, most of us have had that experience. I remember fleeing with my 3 yr old in the middle of the night. He was traumatised by this experience, he spoke about it for years, no kidding. That was a crisis point for me, he got sober for 6yrs after that but no program so all other symptoms remained. I suggest not minimising this if you can, his family may be in denial and may want it minimised quickly for themselves. First things first is a good slogan, for me thats the children, its not normal for them to experience this, its very damaging and long lasting, sorry, I dont mean to make you feel worse but my children were damaged, I kind of did minimise, forgive, move on etc but without sobriety it happens again and with a little addedbecause he can. Doing whats right for your child will be the right thing to do.

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Luiza


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I know my daughter won't forget this. She still talks about the time I called the police and she was awake. She was asleep on the other occasion I called them.
So I woke up at PIL's apartment (they are sharing with SiL and BiL) and they were not surprised at all. I imagined they heard the conversation last night. They didn't ask any questions just offered me tea, coffee as if everything is normal. Then SiL and BiL arrive. They are probably very tired as they had not enough sleep and had to deal with H.
I then went over with daughter to my apartment, H answer the door, I say good morning and he ignores me, talks to daughter only. I proceed to get ready for the day. Then I ask daughter to take bread over to PiL's apartment and then ask H if we should say anything to each other or just leave it. He says he doesn't want to talk to me. Then I ask him if he really expected me to stay there taking abuse and letting daughter see it? Told him he should be apologising. He says 'I apologise, but'....then daughter comes back and we stop talking.
We are civil at the moment. Everyone pretending nothing happened. Probably this is best for the sake of the holidays. But I am sure PiL, BiL and SiL talked about it.
If I was alone I could have spent the night on the deck chairs at the pool area. But I had daughter and did not want to leave her with drunk H.

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Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must but take the step.
Jerry F


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((((Luiza)))) only one of the things I learned from the definition on alcoholism which we use to read at the start of each of my home groups meetings was that "it affects everyone it comes into contact with".   That's true from my experiences from birth.  It is not escapable and we learn how to life in ways that the affect isn't so severe as it can be without the help of others and the program.  Stick with your program and us.   smile



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grateful2be


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You're doing the best you can with what you have to work with for now. This is also a taste of your future when you get back home, Luiza. I agree with Jerry on sticking with the program of Al-Anon, your recovery group, and us. As the disease progresses in him, the behavior worsens and it gets harder for us to deal with it. Al-Anon becomes our life-line as we do what we need to do to care for ourselves and our children. There is help and hope for you and for your daughter. In my own experience, talking with an A about issues doesn't really go anywhere except round and round in circles. Acting differently in relationship to them gets easier with program practice.

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KennyFenderjazz


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You are doing great under horrible circumstances. And it is great that you are able to have frank moments with his relatives about how much he really drinks. Their denial will hopefully fade, maybe they will even stop drinking with him.

I also hear that you aren't telling the relatives what to do, just feeding them information in an open and honest way. You must be realizing you can't control them either, that's great.

Kenny

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el-cee


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It's amazing that these things happen and we feel guilty It's cunning and baffling this disease. Going to sleep on the sunbeds would have kept it all hush hush and he would be happy with that. He could continue on while you take the consequences. Please don't feel any guilt you did the mature responsible thing and he's lucky you never got him arrested which is another proper real world consequence of abusive behaviour. Rational logical sane thinking comes in alanon. Keep working it.x



-- Edited by el-cee on Friday 22nd of August 2014 10:29:43 AM

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Luiza


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Have had a lot if opportunity do some thinking today. I don't feel guilty I involved H's family anymore. Why would daughter and I take the abuse quietly and pretend nothing happened so they can all have a wonderful time? Since they are the ones encouraging and enabling the drinking.
If they think H's behaviour is normal then it is their problem. I just have unconditional love for my daughter and myself and my vows mean nothing to me at this point. Once I separate they will be the ones dealing with him.
It is in the open now. They know what I think, where I stand and what is happening. They can do whatever they want with this issue, no I don't tell them what to do but yes I did mention that when we travel alone and they are not around, his behaviour is not as bad as he doesn't find a drinking buddy in me.
Anyway they all drank less today, some of them nothing so far but I don't care either way. Only thing I want is mine and daughter's peace and serenity.

I feel sorry for people who can't have fun, enjoy themselves without drinking really. Thanks HP I have no addictions.
Thank guys for being there for me.

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Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must but take the step.
Debilyn


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I am so sorry for your sadness. breaks my heart you get to go on a get away and this happens. this disease is so horrible for all around them.

It's sad too that the family is learning the truth, though needed it hurts! I am glad they are protecting you.

Even so I was quiet around his family. Becuz they could be so blinded that they would believe his explanations. IF I said anything they would tell him and use it against me.

I would have loved to have his family as my family if they were not so dysfunctional. But his mom did a manipulation that hurt me bad, lied to my sons babies mother. made a mess.

Hoping you can find the strength to decide how you want to move on with your life. Whether with the A or not. No matter what it is a change and change is not easy .

Our lives become familiar. So if we leave we face allll these changes, even where our toothbrush is! But I tell ya, with me, all these years now living with my foundation of serenity has made me a better, healthier person. I am far from perfect, still get sad the whole thing. But I have this inner thing that tell me everything will be ok no matter what. I have learned this to be true thru pain, deaths, shocks, loss etc. In time with HP guiding me I always come out ok.

sooooo keep us updated we do care so much!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



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SunshineGirl


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Sorry to read of this horrible situation, good work on getting yourself and your daughter to safety.

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Rea


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You are a strong person to have taken the action you have.  I have only just found this forum and I have done the very same thing this week.  I was on holiday with H.  He got wasted and abusive - I got in the car and left - in the middle of the night.  He's now in the middle of a field in a caravan with no transport!  This was Tuesday night.  Wednesday I attended my first Al-anon meeting after reading about them on the internet.  They told me how strong I had been to remove myself from the situation and I felt better instead of guilty.  And now a read that you too are being strong.  All my very best wishes xxx



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