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I am trying to sort through some issues. One that is not settling no matter how much I pray and continue to tell myself it's just not my business. I have come to find out that A got involved with a female counsellor at detox centre and has gone away with her overnight and continued to carry on a relationship outside the centre and outside professionalism. He is 8 months sober and has started to miss his home group meetings and I see the signs of crazy making and back peddling. He will do what he will do and I will take care of me but what concerns me is how many other men has this female so called counsellor done this to in a men's detox centre. It smells rotten and inappropriate. Need some serious E/S/H because I want to write a letter to her supervisor and i don't believe my intentions are ill. I just don't believe it's appropriate or professional for a counsellor to get involved with a man who, first of all has an addiction and is newly sober, and secondly knowingly has met his family. She may have her own issues to sort out but she may be in the wrong facility.
((Mari)) It's such a horrible, powerful, baffling, and cunning disease. I agree with you and understand your being upset. She may be in the right facility but on the wrong side of the desk. Of course this news is upsetting and there are many options available for you to process and let go of the bad feelings. When in doubt, don't comes to mind. It sometimes helps to sleep on things, write a letter and not send it until clarity comes from a peaceful place and after motives are checked and rechecked. I go through my check list- and how important is it, what are my expectations- what results would I like to see. If I have expectations and it is not an issue that exists on my side of the street, I try and drill things down as to what unresolved emotions and memories are bubbling up.
((Bud)) thank you. When in confusion post on MIP. The disease has no boundaries and will take any prisoner hostage no matter how knowledgeable to its tactics. I am certainly no exception. I also know there is likely information she does not know of our situation. Sigh, that's what keeps me from writing this letter. I didn't know what I know now back then when A and I got involved. I didn't see red flags, I saw a man who appeared to take us in as a family and care for my daughters as if they were his and the man who stood along side when we watched another beautiful little girl come into the world and then I saw what the effects of alcohol could do. It's not pretty and it hurts those closest to the addict and the addict most of all. It doesn't make the behavior acceptable but it sure reminds me of how powerless I truly am to the disease. Sounds like some step work is needed.
Mari I hear you and also hear that you are not jumping to conclusions. You sound as if you have paused, examined the facts, your motives and honestly believe that what this person has done was not only unprofessional but damaging to the people that she has been hired to protect and help .
You talked your response over and reasoned things out before acting I believe that writing the letter to the rehab is the next right action . Let us know what you decide
As a counselor, I urge you to please make that call. Counselors need to work hard on boundaries, it comes with the job. This counselor needs a wake up call. It will be hard not to have some sort of vengeful feelings in it I know. I get that you won't be able to do it with just "pure motives" for protecting others. That is okay.
You were part of the family that entrusted this place to give appropriate care to your husband. This is not appropriate care.
This is part of what contributed to my son's relapse although it didn't happen with a counselor. It happened with a gal who was a well known sponsor with many years in program. I, too, believe that calling the Center and talking with a supervisor is important - for your sake. This counselor's choices have adversely affected you. Of the two - the counselor and your husband - the counselor is the least vulnerable. Her choices led to you being hurt at a time your husband was very vulnerable. Although your husband also made his choices for which he is responsible, he was still more vulnerable than she is or was. That doesn't mean you have to stand up for him in this or other patients. T/He/y need to handle his/their own stuff if t/he/y are/is to grow. But, you can say how this affected you and the concerns it caused you, too. That may not change a thing for the Center, the counselor or your husband or the past but it can certainly do wonders for you to say what you mean, mean what you say and not say it mean. No way would I be happy about a female counselor encouraging a personal relationship beyond the confines of the Center where she works with my husband. Considering all the stresses already placed on the wives of As, this one should not be one of them and can be avoided by paid staff and made policy in the Center.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 20th of August 2014 09:49:42 AM
Wow that does seem inappropriate big time. I would write the letter in hopes they have some sort of policy regarding personal relationships amongst staff and residents. Anywhere I have worked this is a no no. Sending you love and support!
__________________
Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
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" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
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I would like to say a huge thank you to all of you. I haven't entirely decided on how to proceed with this particular issue. I have a phone number, but before I call want to let the anger part go. Sharing here has helped enormously and I cant thank you enough for your posts. I slept really well last night. Part of letting go of the anger involved my realizing if not her then I'm sure it would be another female. The part that needs to be tended to is that she is a counsellor in a men's detox centre. Thanks PC, G2B, BF and Hotrod. I would like to share with the centre a possible reminder that there is a family that needs consideration in the matters when dealing with addicts. My hopes are that this person finds an understanding and grows in the job she does. It is likely a difficult job dealing with all kinds of crazy every day. All the more reason for the wake up call and the building of boundaries. A little bit from everyone here and I manage to find a peaceful understanding of it that I can live with. (without guilt or shame..yay!)
I dealt with all sorts of crazy for 30 years starting in my mid-30s. I knew the difference between acting in a professional manner and acting without thought of what the implications of my choices could be if I chose to meet outside of the workplace with a married man for any reason other than one that his wife or girlfriend was also involved in at the time. She may already have an understanding and acted inappropriately anyway. I am glad you are choosing to work through your anger before you make the call and I am glad you are going to make the call.
I would contact the center and would not give it a second thought. This is an inappropriate use of power, seems she is preying on vulnerable men, that is abuse in my books. If it were a man becoming involved with a female, there might be more outrage? Your anger is totally understood and validated.
It sounds like you are working through this situation really well. Entirely upsetting for sure! But I agree that this is inappropriate professional behavior on any level!
