The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I used to think, when I wasn't in a relationship, that I was single because:
I wasn't good enough for a relationship.
No one would find me appealing or worthwhile.
I didn't deserve to be in a relationship.
I was just a loser and everyone could tell.
But I'm single right now and I suddenly realized why! I'm single because I'm taking care of myself! Maybe the right person will wander along (maybe tomorrow, maybe next year, maybe later) and I won't be single any longer. But meanwhile, I'm single because I've turned away from all the dysfunctional behavior that I practiced before. The clinging on to the wrong people, the going out with someone and ignoring red flags and deciding "Right, I'm going to make this work, no matter what it takes, no matter how crazy it is!" Compromising my beliefs, pretending I was someone I wasn't to try to people-please, having no bottom line. It was like being single but having a dead weight attached to me. I've never experienced any loneliness like the loneliness of being in a bad relationship.
Being single is way better than being miserable in the relationships I was in! For one thing, if someone healthy comes along, I'm available! I'm not stuck in a relationship that's making me miserable and that I have to climb out of like climbing out of quicksand. Meanwhile, I'm relishing no longer having chaos and insanity in my life on a daily basis. How I am enjoying that!
I do hope that when someone healthy comes along, I can hold on to my own healthiness. Meanwhile, doing my best to be the kind of person I'd like to meet.
Great awarenes Mattie I love how you came around to validating yourself and all your assets. It is evident that you will not abandon yourself lightly again. Positive thoughts on the way
I love your thinking. When i am single i will not be in a rush to
Get into a relationship again. I need to heal and look into myself,
Work the steps. Attend plenty of meetings.
someday i do hope to have a healthy partner to share my life with.
One that values and loves me as i am and shares himself with me.
I love this post and can so relate. I jumped right into a relationship after I left my exAH and didn't take the time to take care of me and get myself healthy and guess what my picker still picked frogs. I have been on my own and that is when I had my best growth and times of really digging into me. No distractions and I am so thankful I did it. I was on a dating site for 9 months before meeting anyone this last time, because I now know what I want and I will not settle. I will not get with another addict or codependent. I know where I have been and I will not repeat the cycles of old. I actually picked a good man, because I took my time and screened him. He has a great job, a great heart, is a great dad and does not drink or do drugs, he is a Christian and I finally do feel like I did not settle for less for the first time ever. It's been 4 years since I left my exAH and I deserve this man and he was worth the wait. This man met everything on my check off list and more and I for him and I think this is how it is supposed to be. I spend time alone with my girls and in my life and we get together when we have time, no clinginess, no trust issues, no dysfunctional red flags being ignored. There are no guarantees this will work out and, I am okay with that too, I am just enjoying the journey and getting to know him and having fun while doing it. I will never let anyone walk all over me again. I really love your post and can't agree more that if you do the work it pays out big dividends. I took myself off the clearance rack and put myself on the full price shelf, because I now feel worth it. I am sending you love and support.
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Loved the share, Mattie. Being single is being free to me. I like being free. I like being me. I like standing on my own two feet. I like knowing I don't need a relationship. I trust that if being in a relationship with an SO is best for me, then there is nothing I can do to stop it. My life is in the care of my HP and I have discovered that I am much happier out of an SO relationship than in it.
I too am single, have been for four years while giving myself time to get back to where I once was, back on the path to being all I could be. The difference between being single 8 years ago and single now is that now, I appreciate being free. I am no longer lonely, I embrace the quiet freedom. of course I could have jumped into another relationship, my ex taunted me once saying I was jealous he had a girlfriend and my smart-aleck reply to myself was that I could throw a stick and hit another unemployed alcoholic who refused to grow up.....
I too am willing to wait as long as it takes for someone who fits me to come into my life. I"m not looking, and I don't want him until I get myself back to the person I want to be. Thanks for this thread Mattie!
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
Great post, im single too and maybe its also because im taking care of myself, I hadnt thought of that. I know that I wont put up with insanity for long or addictions of any kind, in fact im not sure there is anyone out there that would fit my bill, lol. Im really happy on my own, I love being free, doing what I want, thinking what I want, being a good person, its great. I feel now that my life lately is an asset and it will take someone who really sees me who has a chance of getting any part of it. I dont need anyone, im fully self supporting and I dont have any unhealthy neediness going on, its amazing. Ive gone from being nuts in all relationships to being the sanest person I knkw give or take the oldtimers in this fellowship. I can relate to everything you say, I hadnt gotten that awareness yet so thank you for sharing yours.x
I love this post. A few months ago I was talking to a friend, and the subject of lonliness came up, and we were saying this same thing. Is it worse to be alone, and loney, or in a relationship and lonely. At least if you are alone and lonely you have only you to blame. Well, in a relationship you can blame yourself too but usually we blame the partner. I, for one, would rather be single and sane than in a relationship that has sucked the life out of me. Thanks for the spot on post.
Mattie, bless you for sharing this today. I always love hearing what you are getting from your recovery and growth process as I always seem to learn something for myself, too. Even though I am taking care of myself while still living with my AH, I know that I will not settle in the future. Not with him and not with anybody and that goes for friendships, too. Thank you so much for sharing today!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Thanks, Mattie. I needed to read this today. I have the same "self talk" going on in my head. But now, after reading your post, I can totally relate my "singleness" could be due to the fact that I am practicing good self care- which is new to me. Thanks for sharing...
I'm alone and seldom lonely, Blessed. That's been true for 35 years. On occasion I might feel lonely, but it is short lived. I am alone in being the only person I know who is me and I get lonely when I am refusing to listen to myself or share myself. I was very lonely in my marriage and a lot of that stemmed from my hiding what was really going on in me and in my life. I know that some people who are single do get very lonely. I'm just not one of them. I have friends who enjoy their single status, too, and seldom feel lonely.
I was born single!! lol. I wasn't born with a list of people or women who I was supposed to have in my life and during all of my schooling I never went to a class on how to use my picker to "find or recognize" the right person. I was given "sposed tos". I was sposed to do this or that or choose them or the other and I was expected to be successful about it all without experience and justification. My families of origin were messed up because of our disease so nobody new how to "walk it" and all of them thought they could "talk it". Choosing relationships were and have been a crap shoot and then Al-Anon arrives, finally and blessedly and I learn I am to be the right person for and to me. I am supposed to take care of me and be happy and satisfied with the who I become no matter who else I am connected with if they are only walking the city going to work beside me or working in the same atmosphere as I or in the same home group or sharing my last name. I am married and the best way of being married is to take care of me. My wife does the same thing and we do that together at the same time under the same roof. I love her and I like having her with me...and I don't need her. She wasn't on a list when I was born. ((((Hugs))))
(((Mattie))) beautiful, strong, courageous post! I felt so alone when married to my exAH. Alanon has taught me to feel comfortable in my own skin and I now enjoy being alone and having alone time. I like my freedom being single and accounting to my HP. ODAT
The realization that we can be single and also be happy (and very happy at that!) is a profound feeling to have. It gives your life many available options for the future.
You always hear the saying "being single means doing whatever you want whenever you want" My take on that is a little different, to me being single means "NOT having to do anything I DON"T want to do" I feel no guilt or obligation to go to a party I really don't want to attend, to vacation somewhere I don't want to visit, to pretend to be friends with people I don't care for.
It's so nice to know that you have the power to direct your days and your life in the direction of your choice.
Hallmark and hormones and Hollywood.