This is getting old. - Al-Anon Family Group

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

This is getting old.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Practice is always required in saying: "No. No, thank you. No. I understand and no. That won't work for me. I'm sure you'll find a place that will be right for you. I hear you and no. No. No. No." Sounds as if you are being given lots of opportunity to practice that tiny, little word?

Continue to turn the house search over daily to your HP, continue the leg work. The right place at the right time will open for you and for your daughter. I've never known it to fail to trust my HP by turning my will and my life into my HP's hands, seek knowledge of HP's will for me and ask for the power to carry it out in my life daily.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 18th of August 2014 09:30:47 AM

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

I applaud you for bringing this here and laying it all out. I told a friend recently, when we don't stand strong in our limits (boundaries), some people will pick our carcass clean, leave us and then go find another to pick clean. You are getting lots of practice, Melly smile Just don't get caught up in any shame...

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

wow sweet one the evil sure is testing you! I am amazed by your no way attitude! Glad HP showed you the A's freakiness immediately!

hey it will be ok. take a breath. Just do the steps as you are, looking. Have faith, hp will bring you an outcome, a good one.

btw I watched a documentary on Cane toads on netflix. do you have them there? just curious. well don't let your dog lick one! lol

little steps .hugs

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

There are so many people in this world that are looking for someone to take care of them. Your seemingly endless stream of "no thank you, go talk to your mommy, she can take care of you" will eventually net you a "what? you can take care of yourself, and pay your part of the rent? Come on and let's move in together!"

You aren't being evil keeping former heroin addicts out of your house. Your daughter doesn't need to be exposed to any more addiction, and she will thank you someday for the lengths you are going to to get her away from all of this.

Kenny

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I am so glad you are getting red flags and stopping yourself from just taking on people without thinking about what is best for your daughter and you. You have grown a lot and your awareness is spot on. I used to just say yes to everyone and get mad at myself later, not anymore thanks to al-anon. I moved away from exAH and I share a room with my little one and it is okay, because I can afford to live here in this apartment and am half way done with school and soon enough we will have a house again. I don't have to deal with anyone else's stuff in my day to day life and nothing beats the serenity I feel when I come home! I am certain this will work out and that you will have a serene and affordable place to live in time. It took me awhile to figure out how to move and make this work, but it really does work. I am sending you prayers, love and support on your journey always!

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I do hope you find a place to live on your own, too. That will be such a wonderful new experience for you. I've had a few roommates in my lifetime who weren't As. The experiences were usually always short-lived. Living on my own now, I have occasionally thought about a roommate to share expenses in my home. Then - I remember my past experiences. The next thought is: "There has got to be a better way."

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Sometimes the comfort of what I know tricks me, seduces me, lulls me. It happens. Stay connected with people in recovery....you are taking the best steps you can. I pray for just the right place for you and your daughter.

Mirandac · ~*Service Worker*~

You sound so good keep it up. It is very scary. The known is better than the
Unknown. Stay strong dont let your bullies win the battle. My mother is circling
Around me and wants me to move down near her after the divorce so i can care
for her(she wont come out and say it) i told Her i was going to take care of ME only.
She is highly dysfunctional,controlling And a micromanager. I was ripe pickings for
my dry ah.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Each door that closes is taking you that much closer to the door that will open into your new home. There can be no light without darkness. There can be no destination without a journey. I moved from my home state to this one with two little kids. I had a job. I couldn't find an affordable place to live no matter how much searching I did. Then, on my last trip here to check for a place one more time before calling to tell my new employer I couldn't take the job, I stumbled on a townhouse exactly right for the kids and me. Not only that, it was located near a bus stop only several feet from my townhouse. I had no idea that my car would break down shortly after I moved. The bus took me to and from work from my home until I could afford another car 1.5 years later. We can't always see the road ahead but with program, we can trust we'll get to where we're going in HP's time and in HP's way.

Jill · ~*Service Worker*~

From my not scientific observation lots of people toy with the idea of getting back together when the reality of living alone seems too hard. This includes me. I thank God I didn't act on it and that there were multiple time-zones between us so I couldn't wander over there. It passes. It's really good he displayed his coping techniques to you. Ha thanks for the message.

Is there a housing office at the school you attend? Housing for students usually is coordinated for students who want their assistance. Eve distance learners can take advantage of the service.

Wishing you the best in your search.

Living at the beach - my dream come true.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

biggrin Looks fun to try. And maybe you will have to rent a crummy apartment for a little while? I know I did, too. It was better than living with what I'd been living with in the home that I'd wanted for my children and me. I also get why you wouldn't want to leave there. It was hard to leave my home, too. I learned that I might not always get what I wanted but I could always have what I needed.

Tracy · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi,

I can so relate to your share I lost my home and needed to rent and move on a couple of occasions over the past 7 years. I got angry with Hp at times.

But today I am in a house that will be all mine in the next 6 months it is perfect Remember Hp can see round corners its easy for me to say it now but step 3 trust your dreams will come true.

hugs tracy xxx

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I would have been happier in a box by myself than living with my ex-A by the time we broke up. The relationship needed to end that badly. It was completely and totally toxic and holding me back as a person. I lived in a small condo by myself which was scary but empowering. I also live in Ft. Lauderdale and regardless of house vs. apartment, the beach is 5 mins to 20 mins away from any part of town.

In recovery I learned the difference between real problems and luxury ones:

Having no serenity - Real problem
Not living at the beach - Luxury problem
Violent drunk Boyfriend that makes me feel trapped and that I am afraid of - Real problem
Not living exactly where my kid wants - Luxury problem
Living with a person that exposes my kid to violence, craziness, drunkenness - Real problem

My dreams have nothing to do with living at the beach. It was my dream to be able to care for myself, have healthy relationships, and to have peace of mind. When I started recovery I had none of that. By the grace of my HP and because of recovery, I have those things now in this moment and am massively grateful. I am glad I get to go home to my husband, that I worked a full day at a job I worked hard to get and am proud of, and I will relax and enjoy life and my freedom tonight. I could be going home to a 1 room flat in the hood as long as those things I really care about are there and as long as I'm being true to myself.

gingerfizz · Veteran Member

Your story makes me think of something that my sister experienced. So I am going to share her ESH on this one, hope that's ok! I think it is a good story. My sister moved back in with my dysfunctional/alcoholic/narcissist/personality disordered/codependent parents after college. The stress and crazy in the household was making it nearly impossible to be calm enough to get through normal activities like eating breakfast, getting ready for her new job, etc. Luckily she had a new therapist at the time who told her to Get Out, no matter what. My sister, not having much money, ended up moving to the ghetto into a shared apartment renting a room with 3 other college age ish people. She lived next door to a drug dealer. However, living in the ghetto next to a drug dealer (who she said really turned out to be a fine neighbor and kept a good eye on the neighborhood biggrin ) was far superior mental health wise than living in a crazy house with my parents and screaming and yelling and stress. She could eat breakfast and go to work at her new job in peace, without having anxiety all the time due to the stress of constant crazy. And she no longer lives there. It was only temporary.

Temple · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Melly,

Just wanted to tell you that there was a time when I was a small child that my parents and my teenage sister and I lived in a one-bedroom apartment. My mother never complained. It was a time of great flux and we had lived in much better and we had lived in worse. Mother was okay, so the rest of us were, too. Even the few weeks we'd lived in a place where we didn't have a fridge, and she kept the milk and other perishables in a dishpan with a block of ice, covered with a dishtowel. Daddy had work, and we were going to be okay, and she had been through really, really hard times during the Depression here in the States, and her priorities were changed forever. Daddy didn't complain during those years, even during the time when he worked 7 days a week, and he wasn't a young man anymore. And my sister never grumbled at the arrangement, even though our two years there were her junior and senior years of high school (and Kindergarten and first grade for me). We were all fine, because Mother was fine.

As the mother, and Alpha female to the dog, you can make camping out with your daughter and the animals in a studio apartment an adventure, if it comes to that. It beats sleeping in the car, right?

I so applaud your willingness and foresight in getting the necessities into the car, BTW. I think the Universe takes note of our willingness. And your determination to not let yourself be victimized by needy people for the sake of being able to, perhaps, afford more space, or perhaps feel more comfortable at some level. I think the Universe takes note of our saying NO! when it is appropriate.

I also love that in the midst of the upheaval, you can respond to others.

Blessings,
Temple

-- Edited by Temple on Tuesday 19th of August 2014 08:59:50 AM

Luiza · Senior Member

Beautiful story Temple, about your mother being fine despite the hardship. I am taking so much lessons from your sharing, thank you so so much.

Melly, I sympathise, rent here where I live is crazy expensive. I wish you good luck and I am sure you will find something suitable soon.

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

I am sorry about you search being so hard. I think it's good that you are seeing the warning signs when there are problems showing up. I moved out of a huge house into a tiny apartment. But it makes me feels less overwhelmed and it's cozy. Easier to clean too.
Have you tried placing an ad? I hope you find what you need. I understand about trying to help the A. I mentioned to my AH many times that he should move downstairs and leave me alone. Never happened. One reason I moved out.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Mel, Change is scary. Really scary.

Starting the work force
Ending a relationship
Moving

Each of those things is a major major life stressor. Don't be ashamed of what your wrote. You are doing great. I do see some lingering fears that may be keeping doors of opportunity half shut or not open. Keep working! I believe in you and everyone else does too.

Also, it's my issue that I am afraid of you staying with your ABF. That is your choice. I am sorry I got opinionated.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.