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OMGosh, I just realized something. It really hit me.
HE called me today. The man I loved and love, liked. I still like him.
He sends me an email off and on sharing some important event. (throwing me scraps?) Then months go by.
I don't email him much. Its like why bother and he is married......still......in name. He has many grand kids and his older kids. They sound wonderful, but all the adults around them are so dysfunctional.
Including my nonA, I say non A but you know what. He is my A!!! i was watching this really fun doc on Cane toads. I love toads...it was funny and serious. I laughed and was really ok.But I answered the phone. no he is not an A at all. I mean no addiction, cept being a co dependant.
cell goes off. I didn't recognize number at first it was him. I stuttered at first. I ask questions as usual as he is an engineer and they are different, believe me.
I felt like I was working so hard to keep things shallow and light. pretending I was ok.When in actuality my life is still so very alone, and every so often, so horribly lonely. Just is. everyone is still dead...everyone is still married. Have their own lives. Mostly I am ok as I love raising my chickens and muscovies and love my silly sweet dogs. which I would have more if I could afford it.
anyway he was on the road to work. he had to stop at a gas station. asked me if i wanted to wait. I said sure. then my phone went dead. I plugged it in but not for awhile. sent him this text, I am sorry. I am glad you are happy, I am not. Its too much work pretending.
that was that.
then I went to bed and really cried, have not had a lose it cry in a long time. I wonder if this lonliness has finally made me insane. I cannot talk to him anymore. its closed and cold nothing comes out easy.
How can someone take alll I gave, then throw me away yet still contact me? I did leave him a message that asked, what do you want from me????
His situation makes me sick. He is sick. I hear that, "until they want to get help, if they ever do, they are going to live in their disease, do you want to live there with them?"
I sure don't. but I sure can see how people get pulled back in, especially when ya live with them.
It sounds so dumb but this little few minutes of this dysfunction made me sick. I want no part of it. rather be without it in my life.
leave it to me to have been in something so weird, falling in love with a codependant who is sick, who makes me sick.
BUT at least I naturally stopped and backed up.
See this is when I need my friend or friends to talk to. or my Mother. I can't just talk to anyone. afraid to say I need you to anyone.
he knows me in and out and sideways. I know cuz he has told me what he knows. yet after all this we have been thru, how can he just call and blah blah blah like. all these questions i need answers to are under it all???and he knows how much he hurt me yet he calls and blah blah blahs?
so here is where selfish comes in right? Yes lets call debilyn who has no one and tell her all about the fun stuff with all my grandkids and kids, lets act like everything is ok.
I just don't care anymore, I don't want to hear it anymore. I am not part of your life, what do you want from me?
Hate to admit it, but I am one of those women scared to death of men. I don't believe it when they say they love me. I don't want to let go of my life to them. I don't believe they will always be here. Ever since my first husband died I don't believe any of it. I never used to be like this. always had dates and long term bfs I left. always had boys and men around. nice ones.
Now, zero.
so throwen this out, or up so I don't swallow it.
animals = no drama, no emotional games....
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Putting HP first, always <(*@*)>
"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."
It sounds like he wanted to troll a little to see if you would bite, then hp took care of the call for you to break the spell. You did good.....hugs, D.
No man is worth our serenity. This is the message I read in your share. I also want to challenge your thinking just a little, Debilyn. It's got to hurt to tell yourself that somebody threw you away. You aren't trash. You aren't an old pair of shoes. You are a woman who is worthy of relationships that honor you and are monogamous because that is what you give. Based on what you've shared about this relationship and your behaviors in it, you recognized your value. You recognized your worth. You decided that you wanted more than what he could or would give. You called it off. He didn't. He wanted both you and the life he couldn't or wouldn't let go of for whatever reasons he has. You said to yourself and then to him: "That's not enough for me." And you moved on. That's how I see it, Debilyn. You stood up for yourself and what you wanted and needed and wouldn't sell yourself short. It hurt to do what you did and it would hurt more if you didn't.
Thanks for having the courage to bring your pain and disappointment here. I agree,it is oh so easy to be pulled back in to the drama without the support and compassion of a supportive group that understands as few other can
Paula said it well He was trolling and HP helped out Prayers Deb.
I am glad you are taking care of you and not letting the dysfunction suck you back in. Serenity is priceless and sick people can't understand that. Sending you much love and support on your journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I get the "animals = no drama, no emotional games" bit lol. (as well as the rest).
I'm quite happy to accept my husky as the man in my life at the moment. ABF hates him and says "you treat the dog like royalty". Because he sleeps on the end of my bed and ABF is not allowed to sleep in my room anymore. Well, the dog does not abuse me or torment me...he's always happy to see me and if he is locked inside and pees on the floor he feels really bad and ashamed...I can't say that about ABF...
Hugs and love to you.
It sounds as if this man has no idea of how to value another person. You don't deserve to be treated like that. I'm glad you know it and I'm sorry he has stuck his nose into your serenity again. I have an ex that does the same thing, emails and messages when he is feeling low...he just assumes I am lonely and will give him my undivided attention...
If we could just teach the animals to email us instead....
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
You need to find a gay male bestie. Hugs deb! Straight guys are evil....except Jerry and Kenny. You are not alone. You help many of us here and are very valued. You've helped me tons.
I can see in your post that you are strong. I don't have any wise words, just that you know he's not good for you, and you deserve better. You say you don't like men anymore, I completely understand that. I don't like people anymore. I use to like people and trust people. Maybe someday that will change. Hang in there.
No, your not included. It's just a general statement. People just disappoint me. The person I loved and trusted most in this world has let me down, and it's very difficult to not be bitter. I haven't always been like this. It's good that I'm not as naïve as I once was, but I do want to believe in people as a whole again. I look at it on a personal level, with my husband, then I turn on the news. It's hard to have hope and faith in people. But I very much want to.
A lot of us in the loving/protecting/vegan activists say we don't like people. We don't believe in the torture and cruelty that comes with raising animals for food etc. It's horrible. If you knew the truth you would not eat it either.
It's certainly not good for you.
We often say how much we hate people. I say I hate what some people do, not the person. Its just known we mean mean hurting on purpose people.
I love men, very much. I have had ones so in love with me and I felt special to them. But since I have grown up and am an adult, not so much. My friends husbands are the best. married like 40 years never cheated, adore their wives. My first was like that.
I tend to like A men too,well and women. Besides the not so good stuff there are some very neat things too.
I didn't connect it till I married my second husband who is a very sick A.
Anyway a gay bestie, if I had ever or if I ever met one and we clicked, like any other friend of course I would love it. In fact Mark, sadly I had one I loved very much. Honey he died with a group of five of us helping him,of AIDs. I have a very dear person I met online who is f to m oriention. He lives clear on the east coast.
I will get back to ok again. But wow its amazing how physically sick I got fast. Headache came back after going back to bed.its freaking hot still at nine pm.
I love the discussion here. Has helped me thru a rough day> more rough becuz my body feels icky.
gotta shower. should jump into Augie pigs pool! lol
hugs all. debilyn
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Putting HP first, always <(*@*)>
"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."
I hesitated contributing to this thread but needed to share my own ESH Before program I too hated people. I saw all the negatives and was appalled at the behavior and cruelty around the world.
After working the program and the Steps, I joined the human race and discovered that I too was all too human, part of the same human race that I so disliked. I was not better than or above anyone else, I ,like every other human being was an imperfect child of God who had many assets and many, many defects.
Accepting humanity, allowed me to accept myself with all my warts and idiosyncrasies . This accepting allowed me to see more positive in the world, live with hope and see what work I could engage in to improve a small portion of the insanity.
I am grateful for the hope I now live with
The phone going dead could very well have been your hp helping you to do what you might not have been able to do for yourself in that moment. It gave you time to think Debilyn about what you wanted to do next. I can only share my own es&h... but for me when those things happen and I choose to exercise my will anyway, the results are usually not great. I end up reflecting afterwards that I should have trusted my gut.
The guy is gone for a reason. Rejection is God's protection. Glad you're working through the feelings and have a good life in place and daily rituals in place including a strong relationship with your hp. I can already hear you regrouping in your responses to people to this post. Time is a great healer and I think you are healing from this very well. What's most important though is what you think and how you feel. I hope when you inventory, you feel you are better off now than you were back then.
Hotrod - Thanks for your second post. Honestly, I feel like I've got nothing if I don't try to begin each day from a place of humility. I don't always accomplish it but without that piece I don't feel I'm really working my program. I'm glad you posted.
(((hugs))) TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
I too used to not like humans and judge them if they were different from me, but through my step work I found myself relating to them all so much more. I am able to love people and see them right where they are without judgment most of the time. We all have been through some things, the hard part is not getting jaded or turning our hearts hard. I am no better than the least of us and I strive to remember that daily. I sometimes forget and get on my high horse and do not mind anymore someone grabbing my arm and saying come down here with us and get off your matchbox. We need to keep each other accountable, make boundaries to protect ourselves from getting sucked into unhealthy situations, but not forget we are all human and all have work to be done within ourselves here. I truly imagine ripples going out from me everyday and I want those ripples to wash over people covering them in love not in ick. Deb you are so good at meeting me right where I am at and I am sorry this man played on your vulnerability. Hotrod I love your share here and am so grateful for all of you that continually share your love and support! Deb you are so loved! Keep your chin up!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."