A peaceful day - Al-Anon Family Group

lookingup · ~*Service Worker*~

A peaceful day

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

It is important to learn that we have power over how we respond to situations Not reacting is a huge step. Learning to act in our own best interest and not react helps to stop the insanity .

cloudyskies · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi LU. Hotrod is so right. Not reacting is a huge step. It seems you are allowing your resentment to control you. Is there some way you can channel this resentment (put it in your HP's hands). Just let go and let God. Resentment is ugly and it will eat you alive it you let it. Keep working your program, ODAAT.

Take care of you!

((hugs))

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

It appears to me that you don't trust him. Do you think that asking to see his phone will stop him, LU, from seeing whomever he chooses or texting them? It might help to start fights with him but monitoring his activities won't make him be or do anything different than what he does and who he is. In my experience, love doesn't hawk another adult or try to bind them to us. It frees that person to be or do whatever they choose and it frees us to seek the kind of relationship that is right for us if we choose.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 17th of August 2014 08:30:58 PM

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

he is in a pit of being a cheater, a liar, a user. he is pulling you into his pit, and you are allowing it.

when we join in, we are no better than they are.

since you stay in it, it must be where you want to be.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

I am interested in your posts that target what you are doing for your recovery; your meeting attendance, insights you have had about you while in and out of the meetings, your efforts in obtaining a sponsor. I don't care about your boyfriends mistress, phone calls, drug usage, etc.

I am going to be direct (direct is what shook me out of my denial), I do not believe you are interested in recovery. I hear this in your posts. An alcoholic that does not work the 12 steps is not in recovery. A co-addict (you) that does not do the work of the 12 steps is not in recovery(talking about it does not count, action does). Based on your posts, your life is a life of chaos and pain. If that is the life you are choosing, it is ok... than choose it powerfully...powerfully state I am a co-addict and this is what I choose. If you were not a strong woman, you could not live the life your are living...you have learned to survive. Eventually, you will go down the tube with your boyfriend...how that will show up in your life is to be determined. I wish you the best, lookingup.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Im glad you had a peaceful day looking up. Im sure you have noticed that people are becoming frustrated with your posts. Nothing changes until you change things. Never mind what hes doing, what are you doing? When you start sharing yourself then Im sure your feedback will be helpful and full of encouragement. His behaviour is old news, we all lived with it and know it inside out. We are interested in you. What did you do that made your day peaceful? How are you using Alanon to improve your life? How are your meetings going? How can others get something from your growth?

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

Looking Up, I believe in you. I think you are stuck in a cycle of desperately wanting change...and then the fear becomes so strong that you want to pretend everything is fine and explain how normal and OK it all is. I believe you want better because, why would you even post on here if you didn't?
One of the slogans is "there but for the grace of God..."
I think you are brave to keep coming back and expressing your determination to feel better, even if you just can't make it happen yet. I hear that you WANT to, but you are afraid and your emotions are still in such turmoil that you just can't. I couldn't either. But I kept freaking showing up, even if it was just to talk on forums with people who were "well" even if I wasn't making the right decisions, and even if I was still consumed by my ABF being my higher power.
I felt that if I just kept talking with people who had "recovery" I might eventually feel it...so i just kept trying...even when they became frustrated with me...it was on a different site and they actually were very unkind to me, but I kept up and kept trying because they had recovery and i wanted some too...and you keep trying too and you should feel proud of that. It's not easy to keep showing up and trying to "fake it till you make it" and I am pretty sure that is what you are doing.
I know that you wouldn't even be posting here if there wasn't a part of you crying out for change.
I see you, and I love you.
Don't stop, sister.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Its to do with motives, tough love is still love. Everyone thats posted to looking up and look back if you doubt me cares for her. Feely feely hasnt been doing it, so we care enough to try something else.x

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi LU,

We have no control over alcohol. Step 1. Corollary is we have no control over others. Once I gave up that control whether over drinking, drugging, or carousing, I gained a large chunk of serenity.

Keep coming back, keep trying. You have awareness and acceptance, now is the time for action!!

Kenny

lookingup · ~*Service Worker*~

Gee thanks for all the replies.i want to just give up trying sometimes then I jump on here and post something g and as usual and to my surprise all of you keep come ing back all I ask of y'all is too please don't give up on me.one day it will happen in me just not today,recovery seems to. Be a way long journey but well worth it in mounts of gold.hugs hugs hugs

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

It is good that you are clear with yourself as to what it is you choose. It appears from your post you are choosing the relationship rather than recovery work. That's one of the good things about being human to me. We get to choose the direction we want to go and the results of the choices we make. Best of luck to you, LU.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Its good that you can see recovery is a choice, its a doing thing, it doesn't just come to us, we get out what we put in. When I learned what enabling was, that it was to encourage someone to continue in their disease I decided not to be part of it if I can help it. Its the same with us in recovery not just the A. We were or are sick and if we choose to practice our own dis-ease we tend to get consequences in all aspects of our life really. I think here its when people get a bit more blunt. Most of us, well definitely me, have been enablers all our lives. I'm very wary when I get the sense that I could be enabling by encouraging someones insanity or continuing on in their disease.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

PS. Im glad your here especially when you are willing to work it.x

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Lu It is a difficult road we travel. Without the support of others who have gone before I would have been lost. Maybe if you could pick up one tool each day and try to use it it ,that would help. Here is a cooy of the:

JUST for Today Book Mark It has great ideas:

Just for today, I will try to live through this day only,
and not tackle my whole life problem
at once. I can do something for twelve hours
that would appall me if I felt that I had to
keep it up for a lifetime.

Just for today, I will be happy. This assumes to
be true what Abraham Lincoln said, that
"most folks are as happy as they make up
their minds to be."

Just for today, I will try to strengthen my mind.
I will study. I will learn something useful.
I will not be a mental loafer. I will read
something that requires effort, thought and
concentration.

Just for today, I will adjust myself to what is,
and not try to adjust everything to my own
desires. I will take my "luck" as it comes,
and fit myself to it.

Just for today, I will exercise my soul in three
ways: I will do somebody a good turn, and
not get found out. I will do at least two
things I don't want to--just for exercise.
I will not show anyone that my feelings are
hurt; they may be hurt, but today I will not
show it

Just for today, I will be agreeable. I will look
as well as I can, dress becomingly, talk low,
act courteously, criticize not one bit, not
find fault with anything and not try to improve
or regulate anybody except myself.

Just for today, I will have a program. I may not
follow it exactly, but I will have it. I will
save myself from two pests: hurry and indecision.

Just for today, I will have a quiet half hour all
by myself, and relax. During this half hour,
sometime, I will try to get a better perspective
of my life.

Just for today, I will be unafraid. Especially I
will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful,
and to believe that as I give to the world, so
the world will give to me.

-Kenneth L. Holmes

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

You are loved here, no matter what. Prayers and blessings.....

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

I love that just for today card. I love the one about not criticising one bit and being agreeable. I can do it for nearly a whole day, not the whole day yet, may e one day. Such a simple tool that gives me great days when I concentrate on one of them. Thank hotrod, you alanon angel you.x

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

I agree Lc it is a powerful little tool

gingerfizz · Veteran Member

When I am tempted to "check on" what my husband (or anyone else!) is doing I remind myself that my focus should be on me, and that it is my job to keep my side of the street clean. Also, whether I check on something or not, what's the difference? I cannot have my eyes on a person 24/7 to see what they are doing and try to control their behavior. They are going to do what they are going to do. What am I going to do?

Keep coming back, LU. This program has helped me to clarify and has made it simple to see what is mine and what is not. Al-Anon gives serenity if you work it!

lookingup · ~*Service Worker*~

I will be so happy when I can actually stand up for me and what I believe in and be able to carry that out that will be the day when I can actaully smile and say .....I'm sorry but this just isn't working out anymore for me you have got to leave,move out ,when I end it for good when I can actually move on with my life,MY LIFE not his or anybody else's decision to make me or try to talk me into changeling my mind anymore,I haven't gotten there yet but I'm working on it life's busy these days seems,my mother whom was my rock in life passed away 2yrs ago and I still have my bad days of missing her.my abf has been there for me in a lot of very trying times when I needed the support the most times my mom would be in icu in the hospital I'll always. Im grateful to him for all the times he has been there Ive been there for him also in his needs and for all the work he has done on my house and car.im looking out for me his sickness belongs to him, I've got to work my program with all y'all's help I know with that I can do this.and the steps I'll be posting about the steps as I move through them for I'll need y'all's esh for sure in understanding each step.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Do you have a sponsor? Do you go to meetings? You can't do steps on your own. Also, my ex-A did some kind things in the 7 years together, but in the end, the bad totally outweighed the good. He had also ceased being really supportive. I guess he was "there" for me but not in ways I'd thought. I was just "with" him during some difficult times. That didn't make him great...He was just there... I didn't owe him squat and once I started getting over the fear of moving on with life without him, I was able to see clearly, make better choices, stop fooling myself, and really start a new life based on principles that were more in line with the person I'd always wanted to be. Go to lots of face to face meetings and get a sponsor. Don't over complicate....just do that.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

I am wondering if there is a dependency on us?

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I also recall you coming here very upset that he gave you an STD with his cheating 2 years ago...not sure how that lines up with supporting you with your mom.

Luiza · Senior Member

Hi Looking Up.

I have said it here before, not sure if it was in one of your posts, I totally understand about being so obsessed with another person to the point of feeling that life without that person is not worth living at all. It was my XH, he wasn't addicted, but he was a cheater, he cheated on me countless times, I went on and got married, he kept cheating, he also gave me STD, he was emotional abusive and treated me like garbage in front of other people (my fiends/his friends/family), I still stayed and prayed every night for him to never leave me.
Guess what, he did leave me. In the worst manner possible adding a lot to my suffering just because he could.
I see now how the ending of that relationship was beneficial for me, but when I was there, I couldn't see it and I had no one to tell me/help me either.

Please look after yourself, you are the one damaging yourself.

Could you go to a retreat? Stay a few days away, only you and your HP? Not worrying about ABF, mistress, phone, nothing, just worrying abut getting better.

-- Edited by Luiza on Monday 18th of August 2014 07:25:29 PM

lookingup · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanx for all the support abf didn't cheat on my 2yrs ago but he didn't know he had std he had a girlfriend for a short time I had broken it off with him completely we were liveing in diff. Cities.at that time.this is the 1st time he cheated. But I'm not defending him at all I hope I'm not coming off like I am.i wished I had a sponsor to help me with my step work but I haven't a sponsor I've asked a few but to no avail.anyone interested plz let me know I would so apriciate it .ty

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