Again and again - Al-Anon Family Group

lookingup · ~*Service Worker*~

Again and again

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

The way I look at it when I think of my ex is he was always cheating on me. His first love was never me, it was drink or drugs at times but mainly drink. Throw another woman into the mix and its just another thing to become insane about, its not really the specifics that are the issue. Is or isnt he? It doesnt matter in the big scheme of things, he cant be trusted with lots of things women being one of them, money another, keeping out of trouble, earning money, being emotionally available etc. All of this is not within your control.

All you can control is you, your reactions to him and everything he does suggests you are addicted to him and the drama. Until you decide enough is enough you will likely keep on this merrygoround and keep going round and round in circles, just different angles on the same problem. Hes got you in a place of confusion, you probably will never know the truth of this current situation but you have choices and right now you are choosing this life with him.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Not hearing you take any suggestions from us. Just restating the same problems over and over. Not saying I don't have compassion but I'm done responding. If nothing changes nothing changes. Good luck.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

What is going on with you that you allow this to continue? You know it is insanity, you said it yourself.

I invite you to get to meetings, find a sponsor.

It has nothing to do with him, it's you. Of course it is your choice if you want to be his mother and not in a healthy relationship.

Apparently at this point you find the familiar of chao's over serenity. And honey you know it too.

lookingup · ~*Service Worker*~

This ain't easy for me ,I had just started feeling better and then he started begging and pleading for my mercy.until I gave in.i know that only I can put a stop to this vicious cycle and the insanity of it all.thanks for the esh and being firm with me about all this.im in the middle of it .

michaelwriting · Member

Thank you for sharing your struggle. I went to al-anon for years dealing with the same painful relationship. You are not alone in what you are feeling. For some of us, it isn't that easy just to end a hurtful relationship as some people wish. All we can do is to keep working the steps, and let God begin changing those things that we apparently cannot change for ourselves.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Nobody saying it's easy. Also, michael, I'm betting that actually getting out and actually going to those meetings was something that helped you grow (not to mention a sponsor and step work). A purely empathic response is good for maybe the first 50 posts...then a nudge/suggestion to actually do the work is kinder. Just my take. Get to work LU! We love you.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

I agree, theres a fine line between supporting someone and enabling them to stay stuck in their rut.x

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Michael Welcome to Miracles in Progress. Your program tools and share are inspiring.

Lu I am glad that you have the courage to share here and I pray that one day you too can PU a few additional tools that can help you grow and understand, down to your core that you are powerless over him. Any action to improve your life must come from you. Not checking his phone would be a great start.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha (((LU)))...take a read at Tracy's "Today I matter post" and look at the work she is and has done to reach this attitude. Would you want what she has today? Doing something different isn't easy especially when we are addicted to what we've been doing. Keep coming back cause this works when you work it. ((((hugs)))) smile

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

Do you really believe that even if he's not cheating, and if he gets this woman to stop calling him, he'll never cheat on you? Do you really believe that he won't be selling drugs, hanging out with criminals, and being addicted? 'Cause in thinking why you're continuing to invite pain and chaos into your life, I'm wondering if you're operating under some false beliefs. Usually we call that "denial," and all of us have those in our early stages. We believe things like:

He's not really an addict.

I bet he'll control his habits.

When he starts to control his habits, we'll be happy.

If I can just make him do what I want, we'll be happy.

If I can just make him do what I want, he'll start to want to do what I want.

He's cheated before but he won't do it any more, because I'm making him stop.

He was bad before, but he's going to stop now.

None of it was really that bad.

This is as good as it gets anyway.

I can't live without him, so I'd better make this work.

I can't handle the emotions I'd feel if I had to leave.

He's my soul mate and no love could ever be as strong as this, even though I'm miserable.

Our love is meant to be, so I have to stay.

He needs my support, so I have to stay.

I bet it will be different from now on.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.