Crazy Making! - Al-Anon Family Group

Flossy · Member

Crazy Making!

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

Flossy,

I don't know your situation .. however instead of reacting out of fear to what he has to say (it is crazy, self pity and the throws of look it's YOUR fault which you know it's not he's a fully able body adult who has his own choices he can make) .. I know for me I wish I had just responded by saying I'm glad you are taking care of you OR not responded at all especially over text. He's going to do what he's going to do .. it really doesn't matter if he's actually drinking or not at this point .. you will know when you need to know. What is crazy making for me is trying to figure out why someone does what they do instead of focusing on why I do what I do. I don't have to respond to crazy with crazy .. I don't know if that makes sense or not .. I deal with that in terms of my STBAX. Big hugs .. it will get better.

PS - Two wonderful books .. Getting Them Sober, Toby Rice Drews and How Alanon Works .. both of them have been life savers and made me realize what I am and am not responsible for.

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

PPS - I don't have that kind of power to wreck a WHOLE weekend over a text that I didn't even initiate .. it's like my mom blaming me for the weather .. LOL .. I wish .. :)

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

It doesn't matter if he was at a meeting or not in the grand scheme of things. He'll work a program to save his life or not. The important person in your story is you and whether or not you are attending meetings for you. The more meetings you attend, the more literature you read, the more people in the fellowship you get to know, the less you'll feel responsible for his choices and the consequences of those and you'll stop asking questions that go nowhere but to chaos or confusion. The disease loves to blame and shame and accuse and demand a medal for attending a meeting or not. Even if you'd said "Wow! That's great! You're at a Saturday meeting," the disease would come back with some reason why you didn't say it right enough or sincere enough or loving enough or forceful enough or too forceful, blah-blah-blah.

In Al-Anon, we are able to get our bearings with working the program and little by little we begin to learn how to pay the disease no mind at all or less because we are much more focused on ourselves and much more practiced in knowing what is our business, their business and God's business.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

He chooses whether he's angry or not, whether he takes offense or not. It's not your responsibility to make him not angry or make him understand why you said whatever. You can just let him be angry. "Sorry to hear you're angry, talk to you later then." And you just disengage, hang up and go about your day. Typically the first few times he'll go on the warpath to try to drag you back into the conflict. But as the saying is, "You don't have to show up at every argument you're invited to."

Take good care of yourself.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

At this point, I'd be done with someone that childishly "raged" at me over stuff not my fault. My personal boundary would be "don't ever scream at me like that and blame me for your problems." Too much drama for a relationship only 1 and a half years in. We teach others how to treat us. This doesn't mean the verbal abuse is your fault, but it does mean you can refuse to be on the receiving end. You don't need to accept unacceptable behaviors.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

But...If you set the boundary, you have to stick by it...leave or hang up or walk away when this goes on. Whatever you decide the boundary to be...back it up.

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

pinkchip wrote:
But...If you set the boundary, you have to stick by it...leave or hang up or walk away when this goes on. Whatever you decide the boundary to be...back it up.

Amen .. that is the key .. this is true for ANYONE who sets a boundary .. if you can't back it up .. don't waste your breath .. the long term consequences going forward aren't worth it. An active addict believes what you show them .. me .. I want to believe what the active addict is saying. Reconciling that the intent of the active addict is there .. they blinked .. and just like that it's gone .. they mean it when they say .. this is the last drink or I'll be home after this drink or I can't do this anymore .. until the words are followed with action of showing me things are different .. nothing has changed.

Say what you mean, mean what you say .. and try like crazy not to say it mean.

Hugs :)

-- Edited by SerenityRUS on Sunday 17th of August 2014 02:37:07 PM

Flossy · Member

grateful2be wrote:
Even if you'd said "Wow! That's great! You're at a Saturday meeting," the disease would come back with some reason why you didn't say it right enough or sincere enough or loving enough or forceful enough or too forceful, blah-blah-blah.

You're not kidding grateful2b, I get that ALL the time. I'm either too involved in his recovery, not involved enough, get sarcastically thanked if I say I'm not interested in his recovery, it's his business. He will even start a conversation with me around alcoholism and then later claim that all I do is talk about it! I can even get accused of not liking a meal he's cooked us before I've even tasted a mouthful! What on earth is it about? Why are they like that? Is it so things get angsty and fight starts and gives them an excuse to drink or something?! It's nuts!

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I want a like button on our shares and responses! lol pc is so right. You put x abf?

again I have shared anything to do with their disease is their own. I would never mention drinking or not drinking.Also I would say hey Mr remember your disease is your own. I don't need to hear about it.All I care about is you, how was your day? what are you up to.

But if they are obnoxious who needsem?

Flossy · Member

PinkChip yep you're right, I should be done and I'm almost there thank God! I think the thing that stops me walking is I can't quite believe for the life of me that people behave like this even though I've witnessed it time and time again over the last year. I think my head goes and minimises it within no time and all and I go back to being in my happy bubble pretending nothing bad happens! I'm generally a happy go lucky live life to the fullest type (or at least I was!) who can't sit still and not easily defeated. Not doing me too many favours in this situation though really huh!

I did establish boundaries and I did see them through. The trouble I then have to deal with is the relentless accusations how I'm punishing him over something minor. I'm quite readily up front about things and will tell him that I think he has spoken to me appaulingly and that's why I am not seeing him and that it needs to change but his response to that will be to accuse me of always blaming him and making him out to be the bad man.

Mattie pretty much as you've said, he goes on the warpath when I stand my ground!

Flossy · Member

debilyn he's an ALMOST xabf. He's working really hard on becoming it that's for sure lol! he behaved the same way last year, in fact in the end when I stood by my boundaries no matter what he upped the anti to the extent that he put everything I had left at his place through my door, instantly went online dating and viewed friends of mine that he knew were on the dating site knowing they would tell me he was on there. I ignored him for 3 months and he still didn't let up!

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

The warpath is where it ends for me. That is not only unromantic and unkind...It is scary. After him trying to cheat with your friends, what made you think that was an okay way to treat you and start dating him again? Someone who goes on a warpath in response to boundaries is a childish boy and not a man. It sounds like you try to stick up for yourself, then he goes on the "warpath" amping it up and blaming and screaming. And then you back down. All that tells him is to just act crazier and more unreasonable and you will back down. Someone who doesn't let up with childish games, stalking like behavior and blame games sounds frightening to me. Many red flags here for 18 months in...
Alanon will help you build tools for self care.

michaelwriting · Member

I understand what you mean by the 'bad guy' stuff. Unfortunately it seems that someone has to be responsible for all the bad stuff that happens. The problem in dysfunctional relationships is that the person injecting the pain into the relationship doesn't want to take responsibility for it. So the dysfunction goes on and on, until something finally changes. I spent a lot of years accepting the blame for all the consequences of my wife's self-destructive behaviors. I believed her accusations and slander, and I lived with a lot of self-hate and the feeling like I wasn't any good for anything. I'm no expert, and I can't give advice. I just need to remember to work the steps over and over again. But I have come to realize that I now have some choices in who I am willing to listen to, the words that I am willing to accept, and the things that I am willing to put up with. I'll gladly give some prayers for you and your situation. Stay strong and keep coming back.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

You wrote, "I'm quite readily up front about things and will tell him that I think he has spoken to me appaulingly and that's why I am not seeing him and that it needs to change but his response to that will be to accuse me of always blaming him and making him out to be the bad man."

But ... it doesn't need to change, does it? Because you'll keep engaging with him even if he treats you appallingly. You'll keep arguing with him. So the behavior gets him what he wants ... it keeps you engaged.

When we set really effective boundaries, we don't even have to tell the other person that we're setting them. We just act on them.

He will almost certainly accuse you of blaming him and making him out to be the bad man. That keeps your attention on him. It also gets him exactly the behavior he wants. So he keeps on doing it.

We don't have to convince them we're blameless. We can let him rant and rave about how we're the most evil beings in the universe and responsible for all misery of all beings and especially them. But they can do that in the privacy of their own space, because we've already set a boundary that we don't stick around past the first sentence of blaming. It's no use answering or arguing. Remember: "What other people think of me is none of my business." Even if they think we're responsible for every bad thing that's happening to them.

You don't need his cooperation in any of this. And you won't get it. To quote my favorite Al-Anon saying: "Recovery isn't winning. It's not playing."

Take good care of yourself.

SunshineGirl · Senior Member

Many thanks to everyone sharing in this thread, it was all thoughts I needed to read today. smile

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

You have choices....it is that simple. A question for you is why are you choosing this? It is doubtful you will be able to honestly answer this unless you do the work that al anon requires of you. Chances are you would choose another relationship just like this one unless you change your destructive patterns of behavior. Your boyfriend is in your life to get you to see the stuff you need to work on. What happens though is we start seeing all their stuff as personal to us and get all wrapped up in what they are doing or not doing and we don't see us and our stuff. We have all done this, so you are not alone. We also know what brought us to our knees so healing could occur.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

It's been almost 7 years since I left my ex-A....That is about how long the relationship lasted also. I actually FORGET that I did put up with him screaming at me, telling me I never supported him when all I did was support him. I forget that he didn't work much, ripped on my family, forged checks from my checkbook to give money to himself and convinced me that was my fault too.

Well...it's not that I forgot he did all that. I just forgot that I used to be the person that clung to that and let it be okay. I don't mean to judge and it's all to easy for me to say "Oh heck no! I wouldn't put up with that!" Fact of the matter is, I did put up with it for a LONG time. I would want better for you, but recognize you have to go down your own path. I KNOW why I put up with that treatment. It was because I didn't value myself enough, had not clue to how to be loving and caring towards myself, and therefore, let it be okay for other's to treat me in ways that led to heartache and disappointment.

After a year and a half of being with an A - I am guessing he has worn your self-esteem with manipulations and maybe even verbal abuse. Maybe a good suggestion is to write a daily asset list for a while. Remember what you are good at and what good qualities you have so that your esteem doesn't get squashed by this man. Remember, it is a PRIVELEGE to date you and spend time with you. Be kind to yourself.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.