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I am always amazed at how my HP works. This week was quite eventful, so I apologize if this is a little long. My AH and I have been separated since January & we were separated 5 months last year. I had hope that he had hit his bottom and would seek help this go around. He almost crashed and killed our 6 yr old, lost his job, I kicked him out of the house & he was having health issues. But unfortunately that was not enough. He says he is going to meetings, but whether he is going or not it has been clear to me that he isn't truly working a program.
I have been making great progress for me thanks to f2f and all of you here. I have secured a great job which I will be starting in a few weeks when the kids go back to school. It really just fell into my lap and seems like a perfect opportunity. Thank you HP! I have also been able to detach from him and not worry about what he is doing. In my heart I knew it was only a matter of time for him to get really bad again. So I was not searching for evidence, not wasting my time thinking about what he is or isn't doing. Everything reveals itself when HP wants it to be revealed.
So this week here is what has been revealed:1. He was visibly drunk and smelling of alcohol on the 4th of July when my dear friend saw him at our pool. 2. Last weekend he went to a casino in Atlantic City-supposedly by himself. 3. He is living with his father (who has a caregiver) & he has been leaving out empty bottles(large Canadian Club) & has been visibly drunk more and more frequently. 4. He found out about my job and responded with anger. Not one positive remark.
This has been a long and exhausting journey but I have reached my limit. I have taken off my wedding rings and will be contacting an attorney in the near future. I just don't see any sign that he wants anything to change. This disease has too tight of a hold on him and the kids and I deserve to be happy. I am sad, mostly for him. It is hard to write this, but since I have made these decisions, I almost feel giddy at times. I am excited for happiness. I am excited to be "awakening" from this hole that I have been in for soooo long. I have great hope that my HP will lead me to a much better place.
I am so grateful for all of you and this program. These changes have been tough, but never impossible and I feel I was able to really take it one day at a time. Now I look back and am strengthened by how far I have come. I know the work is never over, but it sure feels a lot easier right now. My HP has been so good to me and I am humbled and grateful.
Dear Tossed Salad, Thank you so very much for sharing your growth and wisdom. I can see how powerful your program is and how you have indeed been given the courage, serenity and wisdom to live your life with dignity and compassion while still focused on your needs and that of your family. This is not an easy road we travel so please stay close to program. You are indeed a Miracle in Progress.
So hes behaving just like an alcoholic does. The good news is you are changing, your becoming more and more sane and your children will have a parent they can trust to bring them up. Do you think you can let go of the watching of him? if you can then your focus can solely be on the important things like your own life and happiness and your children. He is a grown man making his own choices as he has the right to do and for me its pretty boring alcoholic stuff they get up to. Great to hear your progress.x
Powerful share on the benefits to working the program for ourselves and not to get, control, change, modify or denounce the A. Focusing on you and the next right steps to take for you and for your children - Wow! Good work even though I know from experience it certainly isn't easy work to change what we can and to leave the A to their own lives, choices and consequences.
El-cee, you have given me pause. I thought I was doing an ok job at not watching him. In fact that is why I was commenting on the amazing powers of my HP. All that information that I shared came to me. I did not ask, nor look for it. It was just "revealed" to me at the time I supposed to know it. I totally agree with you that I need to stay focused on MY program and the kids. It is the only way for me to get healthy. I think I was doubting some of my choices and these "revelations" were my HP keeping me on track. It probably sounds crazy and I can't explain it. It just is very powerful. Thank you for challenging me to re-examine things and make sure I stay on track.
That is what we do at times with each other...challenge. One of the tools of my recovery is trusting the loving, fearless observations of the fellowship and the feedback I am given. Our meetings after the meeting often with sponsor involved and others are great times because the dialogue and feedback is all supportive. We get to see more and more clearly and when we do we are thankful as you have been and can laugh at the human god child that we are never perfect always looking for progress. I like your post because it mentions milestones in my own recovery including the consequences of letting go entirely and letting God. God Is! Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
