I'm glad you found something that was a big help to you, Blessed. I read a person's comment at the site and had to laugh. They could recognize themselves in every description of an emotional abuser, admitted it, and then went on to blame their mother for it.

Although I had no emotional response to any of the descriptions, I do know that Al-Anon has helped me disentangle myself very quickly from that kind of stuff. There was a time when I'd blame myself for feeling crazy after going through these kinds of experiences with others and would look for what I needed to do to change myself. Later, I recognized that I was experiencing that person and changed my location. It's too crazy making for me to be with people who are this damaged and aren't willing to get help for their own issues.

You are doing exactly that - moving away from what you cannot change in another and recognizing that it is crazy making for you to even try to make a go of it with him anymore.

What is it now? About 13 days until launch day?

I never was an enabler; other than I just took care of the house, bills, kids, but that is how the family was set up. He worked full time and my "job" was to manage the house & educate the kids (homeschooling). I never considered that dysfunctional; and it wasn't for years -- it was great -- I was on cloud nine. Then the drinking progressed, and.....  But, even then I never felt guilt. I never felt hurt when he called me names, or blamed me. I knew he was what I called nuts.  He was projecting. Of course I couldn't make him see that; but I knew it. I couldn't even make counselors see it. But, I was not causing him to drink. It was 100% his choice. Once, in our Pastor's office, I had brought an empty bottle of bourbon (what he drank before switching to vodka) I said, "this is the problem" and pulled the empty bottle out of the bag I brought. He still would not address it. He ignored it and went back to his talking points.

And I always took care of myself, and my family. I have always been healhty inside & out, etc. etc. So, some of the parts of those who have been sucked in I did not experience to the extent that I have read. Yes, I did argue w/ an insane person and at times tried to get them to understand how unreasonable he was being; or that I really did tell you this yesterday when he swears I didn't. I would just walk away and shake my head. I wasn't crazy; I had that conversation w/ someone that looked just like my husband last night. :) 

When I got fed up is when he denied drinking, when my kids found bottles all over the house, and refused help from our church, and counselors, etc. Every meeting with anyone always ending up w/ him telling whoever that I was mean & angry. He didn't even say that is why he drank; he continually denied that he had a drinking problem, but just that I hated him and was mean. That just was not true.

After ten years of that; progressiveily getting worse every year; I hit my bottom. 

Reading characteristic of alcoholism and the others isms of the family that spread beyound the A, it helps to see, in black and white, truth that I can wrap my brain around. I accept it is what it is; and I also accept that I cannot live w/ this disease that has consumed my spouse. It goes against my vows (in sickness & in health, until death do us part) and totally against my faith; but I acknowledge that and will deal w/ that w/ God directly. I am not God; and I suppose i am too weak, but I know I do not have the strength or desire to live this life one more day.
A few weeks ago when I made the decision to leave, I was a nervous wreck for a few weeks, mainly because I had a lot to do in a very short period of time. But, today, I felt good. And calm. And confident.

What is really surprising to me is how many people have dealt with Aism. As I am saying good bye to clients, and those I am close to and confide that is is a divorce due to alcoholism say, "I was married to an A".  All are happily married now to non-As. So, there is a life after Aism. That is good to know. 

 

-- Edited by blessed on Friday 15th of August 2014 03:54:19 PM

Wow, this is my ex-husband. He did all those things as well as isolate me from my family me and trying to destroy any friendship I had.
Everything was my fault, I couldn't do anything right.
I remember him criticising the way I hold a sponge whilst doing the washing up (my God I think he was running out of ideas) and criticising my beautiful long curly hair so much (which he used to like when we first met) that one day I had enough and decided to shave it...so I wouldn't hear him talking about my hair anymore...of course he was the one who shaved it for me with great pleasure.

And he wasn't an A. In fact, being from a family of heavy drinkers I always wondered why he drank so little alcohol. He would force me to use drugs though (some crazy mushroom tea stuff), even though he knew well how sick I would feel.

He left me for one of our friends, after cheating on me for a while and denying all of the evidences.
They seemed like a great couple and I wonder if he is behaving the same with her now....? For a long time I was convinced we were just not compatible.

Wow, I'm on the same page as Kenny. While I have always thought my ah was the manipulator, I am seeing way too my of myself in a bunch of spots. What an eye opener and a slap in the face with some reality.

Thanks for the post, blessed!