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I have really been struggling lately. I have a real problem with intimacy and I push my husband away a lot. Even when he tries to hold my hand I don't want to. I find it easier to push him away than embracing his love for me. I have been getting very critical with him and analyzing everything he says and does and finding fault with it. He said he feels like he is walking on eggshells around me. I feel like this may have something to do with my issues with my dad because I recently saw my dad and there is always sadness when I see my dad. My dad never really wanted to get to know me and I always felt abandoned by him and my mom. Now my parents want to be in my life but they act as if nothing bad happened to me in the past. I feel like I am "playing pretend" when I am around my parents and then when I get home with my husband I push him away because I some how translate him being my dad or something?????it is so weird and so UPSETTING!!!! I feel terrible about it. I have been very irratable and on on edge and feel like it could be a ptsd thing. I just wondered if anyone here struggles with intimacy with their spouse or friends? I do push friends away too...I try to find fault with them to keep me safe. I also attract a lot of co dependant friends. I have been in therapy for like 5 years and while it did help it did not do enough. I believe my HP wants me to use alanon to heal this and yet I feel so lost. I do go to meetings 2 times a week but I do not have a sponsor (for fear of initmacy). But the whole thing that scares me the most is why I am trying to sabatoge my marriage!!!! My husband is a recovering alcoholoc and he works his 12 step program amazingly and is accountable for his actions....he is also VERY sweet and loving to me and yet I try and push him away and control him. I feel so bad.
Hi hope4ever. I can relate. I have problems with intimacy too. I am still working on myself and I am not sure what is the root of my problem but I suspect is is to do with fear of abandonment. My parents were very distant and emotionally cold. I have been having dysfunctional relationships with men since my very first relationship and although I used to have a healthier attitude towards intimacy, being dumped in not exactly appropriate manner (boyfriends disappearing/being cheated on, etc) made me change and be scared of getting too involved and being open. I have had lots of disappointment with friends and people in general too. I have heard many times I was too naive and believed/trusted everybody, so now I behave the opposite way and have my guard up all the time.
-- Edited by Luiza on Friday 15th of August 2014 03:27:41 PM
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Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must but take the step.
I was hurt so badly in relationship to my x AH, I wouldn't have been able to trust him again emotionally. If I can't trust somebody emotionally, I can't let them touch me. I could see all his character assets, but his defects far outweighed those assets in our relationship. I also have a son who is an active alcoholic and although he has been dry at times and also was in active in recovery for two years, I haven't been able to trust him emotionally either. Sometimes, the damage that is done takes a long, long time to heal in the spouse or another family member who spent years being mistreated, lied to, manipulated and betrayed by this disease. Just because somebody is working a solid program doesn't mean we haven't been hit below the belt enough times to have very strong boundaries in relationship to them.
I am also a person who doesn't want to be touched at times. That doesn't mean I don't trust or care about somebody. It means that I am going through a rough time interiorly and need to work it through in ways that are right for me. I feel smothered when I need distance if somebody is wanting to touch me when I'm simply not able to be touched. I have learned to say to folks: "I know you want to hug me and I'm not able to be hugged right now. Please give me a little space and time." My friends understand. Just because somebody wants to touch me doesn't mean I want to be touched. I've learned that people close to me are patient and understanding with me and part of that is because I've learned to communicate my boundaries to them while at the same time assuring them by sharing my abuse issues have been triggered that it isn't due to them. It is due to something that I just went through that has opened up some raw places in me that need a little TLC. I won't let people in Al-Anon meetings hug me either just because they show up for a hug. I have learned to say to them: "No thank you. Not right now."
-- Edited by grateful2be on Friday 15th of August 2014 04:38:08 PM
Hope4ever Love your sign on name, Great topic, you are not alone and I do believe the tools of alanon have been set up to address this problem very nicely.
The Steps, slogans, sponsor, meetings all helped me first to have the courage to become intimate with myself, discover who I was and then gave me the courage to share that with the world. Living with the disease of alcoholism we develop very destructive coping tools that must be discarded
Intimacy is a gift of this program. It really is simple. For me it means INTO ME SEE Once I accepted myself warts and all I had no problem sharing this with the world
You deserve to feel loved and serene I urge you to keep coming back
I can so relate to this, my dry ah accused me of this. Not touching,kissing Or hugging anymore. We still had sex but did not cuddle anymore. It is Awful hard to cuddle to someone who wont validate you or your feelings. There was also too much bad treatment from ah to just gloss it over and be all touchy Feely with him. We use to cuddle, i was always in his lap,and held hands at the beginning of our marriage.I really don't know when that changed but he had been begging me to touch Him more and i didn't. I really didn't like the way he kissed me,he smothered me. I never really analyzed my reasons but he considered me cold and unloving Wife, and i really didnt think i was. I wanted to be treated better.
-- Edited by Mirandac on Saturday 16th of August 2014 07:43:03 AM
I can relate to what you express. You're in the right place and you're not alone. This is a very powerful, cunning, and baffling disease and it creates negative distortion and destruction with whatever it touches. I have found the most efficient way to work the program is doing the steps with a sponsor and calling Alanon members to reason certain circumstances out. MIP has been a life line, and slowly (because I'm stubborn) but surely, my life is improved and continues to improve by working the program in all of my affairs.
Hope, first off, I wanted to say that what concerns me most is not your intimacy issue, but how negative you are being towards yourself! You are scolding yourself and raking yourself over the coals. That alone might make you feel undeserving of intimacy.
I do think that the first step towards accepting intimacy from another is accepting it from yourself and I'm not talking sexually here. What I mean is that, if you cannot view yourself as loving, worthy, special, and desirable, it will seem like other people trying to be intimate with you are for reasons that are not pure and that they are trying to get close to you so they can manipulate you.
Hence, I suggest diving into the Alanon and learning to care about you. Your past is valid of course, but only today matters! Stop downing yourself please!!! Treat yourself kindly, speak nicely to yourself and I am betting that will be the start of being able to let others do that to/with/and for you. Even if not, at least you will be happier with yourself and that is progress too!
