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I haven't attended an al-anon meeting or seen a counselor about my family in years. But tonight and recent events made me realize it's probably necessary, and worth it.
I'm really not sure where to start, so I'll start with tonight.
I told my parents something that's been brewing in my head all summer. I grew up and went to college in towns within 20 minutes of each other, so I have never been far away from my family for a long time until this summer. Most kids want to just get away from their parents and go to college to have the time of their lives. I think I stuck around for two reasons: 1) I knew my family didn't have the kind of money necessary to send me somewhere out-of-state and far away and 2) I think I wanted to stay around and help manage their problems. I was always the family problem-solver, or at the very least, the one everybody dumped things on. Somehow, my older brother got spared and my mom never used to hang out with him on the weekends. He always hung out with his friends while I hung out with mom and listened to her complain about dad, his drinking, his porn addiction and his physical abuse toward her. She used to take me shopping and out to eat with her and it always felt good to be spending time with her, but by the end of the night I always felt more sad and dispirited about my family and life than I had felt the night before.
I'm just scratching the surface, here, and feel like I already need to make some clarifications. I'm not a kid who struggled with hunger or lack of clothing or lack of heat or not being able to get to school or any of that. I always got to school and I've done well academically my entire life. My life was very comfortable growing up and I hardly wanted for anything, except a happier mother and a problem-free father. My mom was always so mad and in a terrible mood because of my dad, so I never brought friends around because they would ask, "what's the matter with your mom?" And my dad was always drinking, every night, for hours on end. He'd be up late on his computer looking at porn and my brother or I would often catch him. The cycle, as you can see, fed into itself and I felt powerless because I was. And I still am.
I got an internship in Florida this summer (my parents live in Illinois) and they came to see me in the middle of my 12-week tenure. One day we spent the day together; I showed them where I live, they had a nice chat with my roommates' parents, we went to an amazing seafood restaurant with a view of the beach as we ate dinner, and went on a sunset cruise to end the night. My life seemed pretty perfect and like a lot of the problems I grew up with were finally starting to fade away.
I was hanging out with my parents back at their hotel room, and my dad ran out to get some beer. At this point, my mom and I accepted his beer-drinking and realized what kind of hell we would go through if he couldn't have it. I mean, on the first day they arrived, he became very angry at the hotel bartender for not getting his beer fast enough. I thought he should just be happy to see me, but he wasn't happy until there was beer in his hand. People might make jokes about how they aren't happy until they've had their 5:00 beer, either, but this is different. He was visibly uncomfortable and clearly wouldn't stop being like a fussy child until the bartender serviced him. I was annoyed, but put it out of my mind.
Anyway, after the sunset cruise and when my dad ran to get beer, I had also run out to buy a phone charger. When I returned, my dad's laptop was open and showed that he was watching porn with me and my mother in the room. He's looked at porn with her in the room many times, from what I understand, but that's not my concern. It made me incredibly sad, frustrated and angry that he would look at porn while his daughter was in the room. His daughter whom he hadn't seen in 6 weeks. But more than anything else, he disgusts me. My mother and he do not have the intimate relationship they used to have (and I know this because they've both told me; no matter how many times I encourage them to see a therapist together instead of unloading on me, they will not) so he uses that as his excuse for looking at porn.
What's worse, he seems to think I will understand this. In high school, I was a sexuality education representative for a health care organization. We went into high school classrooms and taught sex-ed when teachers didn't want to, or if they thought peer education would work better (it often does). He uses this and says things like, "as a sex educator I'm sure you understand that men have a sex drive that is not like women's. Women don't need sex but men do." Actually, I was taught the opposite of that sentiment. Men and women both have sex drives that need to be nurtured with a healthy sexual relationship-not with things like porn. In addition, I found out my father was cheating on my mother during this same trip, actually in the same night.
I found myself wishing to be at the office. I'm a journalist, and my career is my biggest love and the light of my life. My parents wonder, and often scoff at, my love for my profession. They clearly think I'll "get over it" at some point and get married and have children. I honestly don't feel I am able to get married and have children because I could never trust someone to be a co-parent. I haven't been in a relationship for a long, long time, and I believe it's because my view of men is distorted and my view of relationships in general is, well, not so great. So, I've vested all of my energy and love into my career because I know it will never let me down. There will always be news, and I want to be the one who does it right. I want to take care of people and help them have information to give them power to make decisions. Nobody ever gave me the kind of power I needed, so I guess this is my strange way of trying to restore it for others.
My newsroom this summer has become my family. I'm leaving soon to start a job in Colorado, and am excited about it, but I unfortunately have to ask my parents for financial help to get out there. Once I'm out there, though, I plan on tucking away much of my salary into savings and getting myself to a position where I do not rely on them for anything.
Tonight, we were discussing my moving options. My dad continued to reiterate that he thinks he should come with me. I can't stand the thought of watching him drink beer or catching him looking at porn, so I consistently tell him no. But tonight I kind of let my tongue loose, and said I didn't feel I can trust him or rely on him to "behave himself" on the trip. Eventually, I told my parents I don't feel that I can rely on them for any kind of emotional support because even as a kid I was always worried about their problems. We were Skyping, and the last thing my dad said to me was that I am full of shit. Then I said, "well, that's what I have to say," and I hung up. I'm glad I said it, and I know I'm not full of shit.
Each time I raise an issue about my dad to my mother, she says things like, "well that's just like me and your dad..." or "I know, I can't trust him either" or "well he did that to me, too." Each time I try to raise an issue to my dad about my mother, he blames himself and says if he wasn't the way he is, she would be better. Or if she would just count her blessings and realize how lucky she is (and let him keep doing what he does), it would be fine. Anytime I try to raise an issue about my dad to my dad or my mom to my mom, they both just get really angry, yell at me and tell me I'm wrong.
Then the guilt starts. How they've always provided for me, helped get me through school (which, not really. I was in a bad car accident after high school and used a lot of the settlement to pay my Big 10 tuition. Still, though, they did help sometimes) and have helped me financially otherwise when I've needed it. How I don't realize how lucky I am. I do, and I recognize they have been good parents in every sense of the term, except emotionally.
I feel like this is a "third-world problem." But problems are all relative, right? When I've got food in my belly, a place to sleep at night and my own income coming in, I still need a shoulder to cry on or to be able to talk to someone. I never know if I call my dad if he's **** up, and if he is, he's just a slurring mess and absolutely no help. My mom has MS, and so sometimes she's caught up in her own feelings about that. And if it's not about her MS, it's about my dad. I can't ever really reach either of them. They always say how proud they are that I'm independent and that I have made my life happen all by myself, but I want to scream. What do they expect? I always knew I couldn't rely on them and although I may not have realized it at the time, I think that's why I was always so career-driven. I knew it would be my way out.
I guess I'm posting because I need to know if this is valid, and if I can get better. It's been so long that I've witnessed and experienced this. Some people might even say I'm spoiled after reading this. So should I just shut up and count my blessings and realize everyone has their issues? Is it okay for me to get as upset as I get about this sometimes, to the point of sobbing? I don't let it ruin my days or moods (completely) anymore, and I'm glad for that. But that's mostly because I have something that I love that I can always go back to, and that's mine. But an amazing career won't make you coffee in the morning or take you to the hospital or do fun things with you. Someday, I dream about having a real, healthy relationship, but it seems so far out of my reach.
-- Edited by hotrod on Thursday 14th of August 2014 11:02:43 PM
Welcome Jay Alanon and Acoa are recovery programs for family members who live with the disease of alcoholism. Face to face meetings are held in most communities and the hot line number is listed in the white pages.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences. We who have lived with the disease of alcoholism can so identify with much of what you have shared and can offer support and tools to help restore your peace and self esteem. Alcoholism is a progressive, fatal incurable disease over which we are powerless. I urge you to search out the meetings and pursue recovery for yourself.
My parents weren't As but they were both probably adult children of alcoholics. I can relate to a lot of what you have written here although my Dad didn't do any of what your Dad does, my Mom did complain about my Dad to me constantly. I got tired of listening to it when I reached a certain age and suggested she divorce him since she was so obviously unhappy with him. Of course, she couldn't/wouldn't do that. She also got angry with me - very, very angry because I was no longer willing to sit and listen to her complaints about my Dad because her marriage and her relationship to my Dad and his to her (he never complained about her and always held her up to us as an example of a virtuous woman) and I was removed as her chief sounding board or rather I removed myself. I felt disloyal to my Dad when I listened to my complaining mother who probably did have valid complaints and I wasn't the person who needed to listen to her nor could I truly be of any help to her. I also felt resentful at times toward my Dad who put up with what I saw to be my Mom's issues that had nothing to do with my Dad and everything to do with her wanting what she didn't have although what she did have was certainly more than I did in a husband. I had to get out of the judgment seat and the therapist's chair with both my parents. I also had to let go of a lot of what I wanted in relationship to both parents, too. My parents gave me a lot and they also had limits - just as I did and do. What helped me was meeting people in my life who could give me what my parents' didn't have to give that I still needed to grow and mature as a woman. I stopped some of my banging on my parents' doors of limitation and started walking through doors that opened to me in the hearts and minds of folks who had not been affected by active alcoholism in their families of origin.
Although our physical needs might have been provided for in our FOOs, there are still emotional needs that are unmet. It is okay to be grateful for what you did receive and still receive and to still recognize what you are lacking on an emotional level. It is also quite okay to say what is true for you and to remove yourself as a sounding board for your Mom's complaints and a person in denial in relationship to your Dad's disease.
I love that you are enjoying your internship and that you have told your Dad no about going with you to Colorado. My x who was a non-recovering A wanted my daughter to move in with him when she was a teenager and she wanted to do it for awhile, too. I knew that she wanted her Dad to be a constant and steady presence to her as a father. I also knew that his disease just wanted her to live with him for what it could get. She'd been hurt enough by his disease. I had and am still in treatment for my own codependency issues in the Al-Anon program which I recommend for you, too, and maybe Adult Children of Alcoholics if there is a good face to face group in Florida or Colorado for you?
-- Edited by grateful2be on Friday 15th of August 2014 09:13:40 AM
You sound like a very mature and clear thinking young woman. What both of your parents did while you were growing up was not right. Your mother should not have used you as her sounding board and confidant and your father has some very deep issues and addictions. However you cannot change them and they have continued in what appears to be a very sad relationship for many years. With their problems, it was probably impossible for them to give consideration to your emotional needs.
So it is a good idea for you to detach both emotionally and physically and start a life of your own. Does not mean that you do not appreciate what they have done for you throughout the years. Do not let your father come with you, nor your mother. They are now going to have to find their own way, come to their own resolutions without you as a buffer and my guess would be that they are very aware and afraid of that and want you to continue to prop them up. So they will want to stay close to you and that is not to your benefit. Try to leave on a good note but leave!
I appreciate everyone's advice and help. I will definitely seek meetings when I get settled in Colorado.
Unfortunately, I think I do have to take my dad with me. I plan to make the trip as short as possible and we will drive separate; he will drive the moving truck and I will drive my car. I'm just starting out, so I don't have the money and don't feel comfortable asking for the money to ship my car out to Colorado and drive the moving truck myself. I would hitch my car to the moving truck, but that feels like a dangerous option because I don't have any experience driving a large truck with a car hitched to it. Plus, I'll be driving through the mountains, albeit not a very steep grade (or at least I don't think so).
I truly believe and will make it come true that this will be the last time I physically need my dad's help with anything. I plan to stay in the small town I'm moving to and like I said, save money until I have a good amount and then I can move on to a different job if I want. I feel like I can't really do this move without someone else's help, though, and I don't have anyone to take with me. My brother can't do it because he has a life of his own along with a controlling girlfriend who would never let him do it. My dad is really my only option, and as much as it sucks, this trip will be really expensive, difficult or risky if I try to do it without him.
Thanks for the clarification. I got the impression your Dad wanted to move with you to Colorado. It is a healthy thing for you to want to be financially independent and it is also a healthy thing to see that for now, you still need your parents' support and help. I wanted to make my own way in life, too, and although I did ask my parents for small loans ($20 or $50 until I got paid again) at a certain age, I felt the same need to make something of my life that wouldn't be me being dependent on my parents. That was one of the gifts both my parents gave me (although it was harder for Dad than Mom - I quit asking to borrow money from him because he'd always tear up the check or refuse to take the cash back) - the understanding that I was capable of struggling and still doing something with my life. Sounds like your parents have helped you with that, too.
I understand It can be done if you try to stay connected here and remember a few little tools that can help. Remembering that you are powerless over others and in order to negotiate this move you need to remember to keep the focus on yourself, and make sure you take care of your emotional and physical needs. If the trip or company becomes too much ask for a break to walk alone to regain your peace. I have found that deep breaths,and a simple affirmation repeated over and over in times of confusion works very well. I use;" let it begin with me"," live and let live" and "keep it simple "to remind myself that "this too will pass". If you are uncomfortable with dad watching porn leave the room or ask him to wear headphones so you don't have to hear it.
It certainly sounds like a wonderful move for you and I wish you a great deal of joy and happiness in your new location I do hope you search out meetings when you get settled and keep coming back here and sharing the journey.
jay1112 I am new to these forums but your post struck a cord with me. I also became the family "problem solver" at a young age, and looking back it was a terribly unfair burden for a young person to carry. And honestly I still struggle with the need to "fix everything", even at the cost of my own goals and happiness.
As difficult as it may seem you need to take control of your life right now, do not let your feelings of obligation or having to fix others affect your decisions. Do not let your parents guilt you into anything, learn to say no and learn to put your long term goals before their chronic problems. I think moving away is a great idea, your parents will survive and you will grow and mature, though you sound very mature already.
Having your dad help with the move sounds like many hours of misery, can't you come up with any other option? A friend or coworker who wants to take a drive to Co.? If you're moving to start a new job maybe there's an allowance for moving expenses from the new employer, it sure doesn't hurt to ask.
