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This seems to be the way most systems are set up - for special education services, for child protection services, and it turns out when trying to protect your children from visitation with an A. no offense to child protection workers but there have been several children who I would have to make reports on for visible physical and emotional abuse, NOTHING was ever done, even with the mother addicted to meth. It was so frustrating and heartbreaking. Seems court is set up much the same. I called a mediator that was recommended to work out visitation plan - was hopeful that it could be worked out with 3rd party and not just me being the b****. Explained the history and why I wanted supervised visitation, her response "oh the kids are very young", "sounds like a very serious drinking problem", "you don't even run to grocery store alone". Her answer was to sit down and talk the three of us and there would be a no drinking clause in the arrangement (Well, why didn't I think of that, just tell him drinking is not allowed when kids are around, well that should work) I mean WTH!! He's driven with our child while drinking, passes out holding the baby, but it can't be supervised visitation until he breaks something in parenting agreement. So what about the kids in the meantime? How do I hand them over when I know they most likely won't be safe, and what is it going to take or what happens while waiting for him to fail? Serious injury to one of the kids? Or maybe they'll just be neglected or the older one will feel responsible and watch out for baby? He's not that far gone that he will just walk away or not fight, do I wait until his "control" is gone and hes back to drinking every night? I'm really tired of being a married single parent! Sorry just venting, am so frustrated.
Son said today that he wanted to be grown up and could then do what he wanted (he wanted an extra bedtime snack and drink) and I really want to run from being a responsible adult right now!
I get it, Kerry. I wanted to run away sometimes, too. I didn't but I wanted to. I always had a suitcase packed in a closet in a memory bank somewhere. When I felt frustrated and overwhelmed and scared, I'd trot that imaginary suitcase out and plunk another imaginary State or Country tag on it - then I'd call a friend or my Mom. I needed adult contact with people who didn't drink, didn't talk in circles and understood what it meant to raise kids. Parenting is tough - even minus the drinker. Sounds like you might need a break? You've done all you can for today. Maybe a good night's rest will help? These thoughts and feelings will pass. They always do. (((KM)))
-- Edited by grateful2be on Thursday 14th of August 2014 10:08:41 PM
Thats a hard one kerry, im not that clued up on visitation and the likes so cant offer much esh. Its hard to believe you would really have to give him the kids when you have explained his behaviour. Can you gather evidence, photos, recordings etc before you leave him? Otherwise, if you have no choice but to leavethem with him then maybe his behaviour is more intense when you are there with him and watching, in my experience active As play up, create the drama, attention seek etc when they have the right audience. If he knows he is soley in charge is it possible he would keep it together? Is there someone or some agency or authority you could write to or get more help from?
I think you need a really assertive lawyer with a history of dealing with this kind of case. They will know what works and what doesn't.
I had a diary of all incidents, plus photos etc. at the ready, as well as a lawyer. In the end my A was just agreeable to whatever was proposed. I had also set up a schedule of supervised visitation which he had already followed for months. The lawyer said that a judge would probably rule to continue whatever tradition we had developed. But as I say, my A didn't dispute what I had set up.
A lot of people oppose their ex just out of hostility. But also a lot of A's just don't want to be bothered with taking care of kids. That can sometimes ironically work to our advantage when we don't feel safe leaving kids with them.
I think this may be the time to get a really knowledgeable lawyer on your side.
