The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Almost a year ago, I told H I wanted a divorce because I was sick of the lying and the drinking and the drugs. He begged for forgiveness, started going to meetings almost every day, starting seeing an addiction counselor. Life started being pretty great. Then his work got busy, and he slowly stopped going to meetings. His sponsor disappeared. Then I went away with our two young kids for a weekend, and when I got back, he told me he had drank.
I'm glad he told me. I wouldn't have known if he hadn't. So I'm happy about the honesty. But now I'm back to questioning every little action. Why did he spend so much at the gas station? Why did he take out money when he brought his lunch? Is he drinking in his office again? He works long, long hours, so I barely ever see him. When he's home, he's exhausted and grouchy a lot. He said he only drank that one time, but how do I know?
I'm trying to get myself to a meeting, but our babysitter is away and I have to take care of my sick mother next week at our house.
I spoke to the counselor, who also said he would push for him to go to meetings. H won't talk to me about any of it. I tried bringing it up yesterday, and he swiftly changed the subject and got short. He knows I will back down when he gets short like that. I can't decide if it's worth arguing over something I know I won't win -- so why bother?
I just can't go back to the constant lying. I really can't. It's nights like this when I'm driving myself crazy, wondering if I should have left a year ago when I felt so brave. I love him, but I hate this feeling like I'm going crazy.
I have literature from an Al-Anon meeting, and it talks about detaching from him, and I guess I don't get it yet. I'm young -- in my early 30s. I don't want to detach from my partner for the next 40 or so years. I want to face life together, as a unit. Is that wrong?
Welcome, if you've read some of the past posts you know you aren't alone. With the help of alanon I've retrained myself not to worry and obsess so much about the same things you are doing (amount spent, why did he get cash, etc.) but it's hard! And the lying and avoiding answering questions. Assuming he's drinking has been easier for me, one quote is "he's going to do what A's do, what are you going to do", hope you can do something for you tonight and you can get to a meeting there are also online meetings here. Just wanted to let you know I understand perfectly (except the year of recovery) what you describe. (((Hugs)))
I have been in your shoes exactly. I'm glad you found us.
It is entirely natural and understandable that you would need to know that he's working his program in order for the anxiety levels to reduce a bit. With active A's, we may be unhappy that they're drinking, but we're clear on what the situation is : they're drinking. We can plan things with that knowledge. With A's in solid recovery, things may not be hunky-dory, but we know what we're dealing with. With an A who may have relapsed, there's that horrible feeling of "What am I going to find when I come home? Are things going to suddenly get worse? Am I being a fool believing he's sober when he's drinking away? Am I being a fool staying when things are just as bad as ever, but I'm too blind to understand?"
It sounds as if your A is not in a good place to talk and explain what's going on, like if he's going to AA or not. That right there is something to think about. Ideally, A's in recovery should know that we're extra-tender about the subject, and be honest and open about things. In practice, they're still very sick people, so they may not be. But that's something to be aware of : even if he's in recovery, he's a very sick person.
But to be honest, my experience is that if they don't look like they're in recovery (going to meetings, working at it hard), they're not.
The "good" news is that if he's drinking again, he won't be able to hide it indefinitely. It will come out whether he wants it to or not. It's suspenseful and unpleasant waiting to know, though.
Al-Anon discourages us from active snooping, because it just puts the focus on the drinker, which is where too much of our focus is already. However, this is the period when I did the snooping, and in this limited instance I'm glad I did. Because it made me realize that I wasn't just imagining things. His slurring was not just because he was tired, as he claimed. His passing out was not that he had just had a really tiring day. And his passing out while taking care of our child was not just "I was just asleep."
When my snooping led to finding the various stashes of bottles, and the above really did happen, I did ask (by which I mean "tell") him to leave. And we broke up for good. Which was an excellent move and one I wish I'd made earlier. But anyway, if I had been snooping just for the sake of snooping or trying to control him, I think that would have been a harmful thing to do.
So I'm not recommending that you snoop, but just mentioning my experience. As I say, the truth will come out anyway. And whatever happens, the most important thing is to take good care of yourself.
I can relate to your post as well. For me--looking through my ex's things, checking up on him and experiencing those anxiety filled nights you described were all part of my bottom. When I saw myself doing those things I realized that was not the person I was intended to be and I started going to meetings, working the steps w a sponsor and changing my life. Getting to meetings isn't always easy with young children--I had that experience as well. There are online meetings that can be attended through this website as well.
You are not alone--and took the first step in taking care of yourself by coming here. Keep coming back!
The best thing you can do to encourage recovery is to model it. Go to your own meetings (alanon of course). Detachment doesn't mean loving less. It can mean just expanding your attention and time on self and self care. Build up enjoyable things in your life, lots of friends, supports, hobbies, interests....That is also detachment because it's investing your attention in ways where you are not overfocused on your husband.
It should not be 1. He is drinking/using and life sucks or 2. He is sober and life is great. Ideally - your life can be rich and have lots going on regardless of him. No - it is unlikely that you will detach to the point of not caring if he drinks or not. BUT, when you have a lot to live for across the rest of your life, it doesn't ruin your whole life.
Alanon will help you rely on your higher power and other supports so you don't feel like your husband and his disease are ruling everything.
Thank you everyone for responding. I don't know who to trust anymore -- him or my suspicions. And, yes, I'm tired of tying my life to his alcoholism. I know I need to get to meetings. Talking to people who are in the same situation is so helpful.
I am so fearful that this is accurate right now: "My experience is that if they don't look like they're in recovery (going to meetings, working at it hard), they're not."
It is accurate and may remain accurate. So, with that confirmation of what you are experiencing, what will you do? We learn to pay attention to what they do and not what they say about recovery. Then, we remove our focus on them and put it on ourselves. We are powerless over them, alcoholism and the affects of the disease on us, too. We can choose to get the help we need to heal even if they don't.
