((((Meliss)))) you awake a lesson I had with my former sponsor Don.T as I also had similar worries about what she was saying behind my back.  "So sticks and stone can break your bones and words can always hurt you"?  LOL  The man knew how to reach my learning center.  It became another thing another "what if" to leg go of and to put in the "none of my business" file.  Of course the ranking and gossip and blaming would happen...that is how one protects their own ego and pride and it does work and not if the lessons are learned first.  Along time after she and I split a surprising phone call reached my desk and it was my alcoholic/addict calling me to tell me her work was having a Christmas Party and there wasn't anyone else she would rather go with than me...I fell for it hook line and sinker and re-addicted.  When we got to the party and she left the table to go get her drink the group at the table agreed with what one of the friends said to me.  "Of all of the men she could have picked to be with tonight the last one we wanted was you".    Of course!!  my notoriety was intact...I was the bad guy to them and not to her.  Happens all the time and happens different because of the program.  Of course she got drunk and then injured and of course still I took up the caretaking role (that the was real lesson) until I no longer wanted to do it...much shorter than the time before.  You are being honest with yourself...lets see how the "walk" comes out.   Time to trust God and the Program.   (((((hugs)))))  

You didn't get your drivers license on the first try either.

Yes, I relate to it. When my self-esteem was not good, I thought I could "manage" impressions by constantly being around people. It was a set-up for me to stay weak, needy, and to continue feeling bad about myself because I never invested time in myself or in self-care so I continued to be relationship dependent to have a sense of security, even though it was false. Going to AA was the first thing I ever did FOR ME and the ball got rolling from there and I just kept moving forwards. I see this with you and alanon as well...Now you have the driver's license, next it will be a better job, income....etc...life will fall into place and you never have to be so needy on another person again, because when you are that way, you don't make a good partner anyhow and it allows them to mistreat you too easily.

So Melly, it's really about self-esteem and self-care. You had none (or very little of that before) and were dependent on others to make you happy (ABF and daughter). Now you know how to make yourself happy a lot better. Before, when people you cared about didn't sing your praises or when you didn't have their approval (even after they treated you like crap) it was unbearable. Now...probably not so much. Screw him and his messed up family. I suspect some of this is just straight up shame and as they say, it is shame that binds us. You have been carrying a huge load of shame from childhood, and then for all your perceived mistakes in adulthood. You are changing. You are becoming more filled with grace and self-assuredness, but it's a process. It hasn't been happening overnight.

You are doing well. I relate though and I feel like I sort of know the journey you are on. If I am right, you are about to find out how much more capable, smart, attractive, and industrious you can be without having this awful self-sabotaging needy relationship junk going on. It's going to be great Melly!

Yep, been there too!  You're basically "feeling" your way through to the other side. We say in Alanon "the only way out is through."  The awarenesses are big. Progress is for us is finally realizing we can be a lot more comfortable in our own skin and fighting for it.  That takes courage which you've found because you're going forward into the seemingly unknown with some good program tools.  It's much easier to pack up and leave a relationship when someone isn't in your face.  He's still there so you are having to regroup mentally every day as you get ready to go forward with your plans. That takes a lot of emotional stamina when pushing against a wave of insanity on daily basis (alcoholism). 

There's likely going to be fall out.  We don't usually come out smelling like a rose with family of the A.  Rarely anyway.  It can hurt to end of needing to leave them behind too but they're maybe still wrapped up in the dysfunctional family dynamics and well... you've grown and you're on to healthier living now.  It doesn't mean that the rejection doesn't feel sad and hurtful, it did for me anyway but what is the choice... stay small, squeeze into a too tight space that you've outgrown that feels excrutiating or choose freedom? 

His family will say what they will say, he'll do what he'll do.  I don't know too many of us who haven't had those same thoughts you're having. Damn if he won't end up cleaning up for someone else after I put in all this time with him.  Just my personal experience but the further away I got from dysfuntion which included his family, the more at peace I felt.  Suddenly, I wasn't pushing against the tide of insanity with constant detachment, I could put my arms down and relax.  Try not to worry about what they think.  It's more important what you think and what you know to be true.  To thine own self be true.  With time and experience our truth becomes a constant.  It's not that situations don't shake that truth from time to time but secondguessing ourselves passes more quickly through our conscious contact with our hp.  We're no longer giving our power away to others.  Keep being good to yourself.  Those feelings are temporary.  Best wishes for your new beginning.  TT 

The disease of alcoholism and domestic violence each have their own affect on us. The disease of alcoholism uses whatever it can to gain what it needs to continue. One of those things it needs to continue is the sympathy of others. "You poor thing," "Life has been so hard for you," "Oh, no! You might have cancer, a brain tumor, your family has abandoned you, you don't feel loved?" are the normal responses of people to the stories that sometimes get told as the disease progresses. The stories don't need to be true - they just need to be told to garner the attention and then the compliance of its kind-hearted listeners. Not only does the disease work this way in our As, it can also work that way in us. Noticing what we fear in the other - what they might say about us - true or not - is a good indicator to me that working to keep my side of the street clean by practicing my program in earnest and by applying that "and let their be no gossip or criticism of one another" not only to people in the fellowship but to people outside the fellowship to myself. I can make progress in this but I might never reach perfection in it. I still criticize. I still gossip. I don't tell stories that aren't true but I need to inventory my motives in telling my truth. The more I practice applying the principles of the program to my life in and out of the fellowship, the less it matters to me what other people say about me because my focus isn't on them and I know what people say about me is usually more about them than me. When I stop working the program or get complacent, I can quickly return to criticizing, gossiping or telling stories that are factually true and yet have a motive in the telling that is uncomfortable to me.

The disease of domestic violence usually includes a desire to "get it over with" and so we provoke an outcome because it is painful to live in the tension of not knowing when the next strike will happen. Learning to do something new when we are living in that place of unknowing is something the Al-Anon program can also help us practice. The Al-Anon pamphlet: "The Merry-go-Round Named Denial" has a very, very good definition of the "wife or mother" as provoker and how we get there. Although it doesn't talk about domestic violence, it does describe how we get to playing that role and of course recommends the program and if I'm remembering correctly - skilled therapists. The pamphlet's description of "mother & wife" as provoker and the underlying cause for that was a big help to me in seeing how I could play that role and what to do to stop playing it.

Thanks for your candid share, Mel. I so appreciate your honesty and your trust. I get where you are today. I've been there, too.

Melly

I'm as scared as hell about ending this 23 year relationship. I have never been alone. I won't have the bad mouthing family and even if I did I wouldn't give a rats ***. I do feel for him and wonder what will happen to him. I don't want anything to happen to him and I'm sure it won't but I feel without me he will just sink.....yeah....that's the way I think. Like I'm the only one that can help him just like with my son. I'm so messed up myself I don't know if I will ever change.

All I can do just like you is take it one day at a time and continue to become stronger and have the courage to change.

Your doing great and I admire you for that.

((( hugs )))

WOW - this, all of this is exactly what I have needed to read today and for days and days. I have been battling the dreaded "should I stay or should I go." *sighs* Thank you all for this.

I understand. I made the mistake of telling my AH's mother about some major purchases he made, but he didn't give her some money he owed her. She turned around and called him and told him everything I said. I am learning who I can talk to and who I can't talk to. This will be the second divorce for me. I never thought my AH could be as mean and untrustworthy as my first H. I figured when I moved out, he would treat me like a queen! Lol. At first he was nice, trying to get me back, etc. now he hides stuff from me. He says he won't tell me things about his job hunting or finances because I am MEAN. He tells me he stopped drinking, which I believe, so why am I not happy now???!! I am the bad guy because I ask him to clean the house before our daughter comes over. I criticize everything he does. Which is true for the most part...because he is a hoarder and doesn't work. Anyway...I think most of us do become the bad guy once we separate from the A. I just don't care anymore. Live and let live. You will be so happy without him. It will be quiet and calm and you won't know what to do with yourself. Lol. That's how I am sometimes.

Melly:

The sadness you're feeling is understandable; you are grieving a loss. Even when we're terminating an extraordinarily dysfunctional relationship, it is still a loss. In my experience the grief has not been so much over the "loss" of the relationship itself, but rather the loss of the hopes and dreams I had projected into the relationship. Especially prior to recovery, those hopes and dreams included the especially unrealistic one that the relationship would somehow "fix" me. Since I got into recovery, I've at least been able to learn that I'm responsible for fixing myself, and the only relationship I can count on to help in that regard is my relationship with my HP.

You continue to demonstrate profound awareness and insight. Keep working that program like you've been doing so well!