Lots of shame - Al-Anon Family Group

ClearTheFog · Senior Member

Lots of shame

cloudyskies · ~*Service Worker*~

Hey CTF. First of all, I'm going suggest you stop beating yourself up over this. It seems you got sucked into a situation. When something isn't right, the first thing is to identify what went wrong or where the problem is. You have done that, you're looking for answers and you are reaching out to your HP. We all slip and fall sometimes. We just don't stay down, we get up, brush off and start over.

Hang in there CTF and keep reaching out to your HP.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

This is perhaps the way your family bonds and bonded? The need to belong is a strong, strong pull for all of us, I would think. Especially in our family of origin. You slipped. You fell. It happens. Shame is about who we are and it always lies. Guilt tells us we did something we aren't comfortable with anymore. The good news is that you realized this isn't something you want to practice and maybe you don't know how to bond with your family right now in a new way? You'll learn. Progress not perfection is the name of our game.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 13th of August 2014 09:03:49 PM

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Clearthefog)))

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Everything will be ok. Just give yourself time Guilt is a horrible feeling.Please let it go and forgive yourself.

A very good book says this, "Bad associations spoil usefull habits." True huh?

I betcha you go right back to your positive thinking.

Maybe talk to yourself and ask, "what is the most loving thing to do?"

You are doing to yourself what others were doing when you were with them. STOP. We can choose to move on and do better. That is what is so neat about life. sending you love

-- Edited by Debilyn on Wednesday 13th of August 2014 10:34:38 PM

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

I can't last long around my family either; after a few days the negativity creeps in and the drama becomes infectious..
But hey, I am a compulsive gambler and if I had to spend a week living in a casino and I ended up gambling, I think I'd just forgive myself and make provisions to protect myself in future.
If these habits were EASY to break, we wouldn't all be here together, would we?!
That it made you uncomfortable and you don't want to feel that way again is the important bit, I think

-- Edited by missmeliss on Wednesday 13th of August 2014 11:16:49 PM

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

So the lead is shame??!! At first that was a toxic emotion for me until the 9th step came along without fear. Fear kept me in shame and when my sponsorship helped me to understand and then walk thru fear the shame wasn't more than a pebble in the path of progress rather than the mountain it was before that. Lots of shame meant a major relapse in thoughts, feelings and behaviors and then still there was the program which worked when I worked it. "The courage...to change the things I can" and so it takes courage to jump back in what we know from before what works for us. The inventory and open honest expression with others; sponsorship and MIP (yes) and HP and then the list of others I actually harmed...including myself and the apologies and then the amends...the changes. Seems to me from this read that you already know what the consequences of amends are...that this is a relapse, a test, an opportunity to further spiritual growth. Parts of my toxic family use to say to me "uncle Jerry...you've really changed" and my response was only...thank you (and no I will not participate in the madness). Some were adamant (and no I will not participate in the madness) and some continued to invite (and no I will not participate) "but you've always done it this way!! "Yes I use to ...(and no I will not participate in the madness) that is the amend...the changing what I can...me. I don't like the feeling of shame...I rather not feel that. So what am I going to do? Answering the question in a way which continues to bring sanity is how I learn the program is working. No perfect members allowed or available...progression only. Keep coming back. (((((hugs))))) smile

ClearTheFog · Senior Member

Thank you all so much for the replies.

Yes, this is how my family bonded. I'm disgusted with that. I was disgusted with it when I was in my 20s and ditched the behavior. And now it's back! So I'm disgusted with myself again for getting back into that even though I knew better. I really thought I was finally much better than that. Fear does play a very large role - especially now I'm home again and back at work! There's all kinds of fear at work! I am going to try to lean on HP through this until I am out of it again.

There is some term for bonding over gossip, I think. What an unhealthy environment.

Ok so Progress, not Perfection, and HP has got me covered one way or another.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

((Clearthefog)) It does get better. Keep sharing and practicing the program. As Jerry pointed out the Steps work.
One day you will visit, stay detached and validate the new you without participating and surrendering your new found serenity.

ClearTheFog · Senior Member

I think I did ok in the first few days, but it all came crashing down on about the 3rd day! So maybe I will make it longer next time (even though next time I will have an exit strategy).

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Good Idea!!! An exit strategy is a fantastic alanon tool. :)

Nightwind · Member

I relate to this thread. Moving back to my hometown to help with the care of my mom brought up all the old toxic drama. I wish I were a continent away. I want and need detachment. Am on step 3 and that is where I need to be. I am struggling to find me in the mix, and wonder if I ever really had me, but in the past, in my recovery, I have had serenity. Thanks for all your shares.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Our entire culture is caught up in gossip and criticism, buying stuff, drinking, taking pills and now surgically removing or re-sculpturing fat, wrinkles, original noses, eyebrows, chins, cheeks, buttocks and chests, skin and hair. You and the rest of our culture is caught up in the grip of a disease over which we are all powerless. You are in a program that is counter-cultural and like the As, you can experience some reneging or some relapsing. It happens. None of us are superhuman and all of us can fall into being subhuman, too. Here's a suggestion that we apply to our As that maybe we can apply to ourselves?: Get off our backs. Get out of our way. Give ourselves to God. Get on with our lives.

You're doing what we all do from time to time. Compassion for you as a human being who falls down from time to time and accepting that about yourself can counterbalance the need to be perfect that plagues many of us who are in this program. And I do agree that an exit strategy is an excellent plan you've come up with for yourself!

ClearTheFog · Senior Member

Nightwind...I have noticed that pretty much everybody I know who moved back to either near their family of origin, or right into the same house as them, changes and not particularly for the better. I'm not commenting on your situation though - it's great that you have alanon tools at your disposal to keep you striving for your own path. It was easy for me to improve myself while so far away from my family, but I've now found out it's a whole other thing to be around them 24/7. It's a bit like trying to learn a musical instrument purely through theory without playing the instrument itself.

G2B, well ain't that the truth (fat, wrinkles, original noses, etc.)! Thanks for reminding me of the 'gets'.

I'm all over the place here. I'm looking forward to some serenity.

Jen61 · ~*Service Worker*~

48 hours was my limit. After that being around family gave me intense anxiety.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

For me, your share actually revealled a lot of awareness and understanding of yourself, your recovery journey and your committment to recovery. I think these challenges are so useful, hard to see at the time, but for me I tend to get on the horse and take it deeper when ive slipped. Your higher power may be right there with you and your slip may be the gift you have needed for another level or deeper step in your recovery. Also, dont be too hard on yourself, its like you said, you were raised this way like most of us and I see it as my default mode that wont ever go away and sometimes it will raise its ugly head but so what, your human and your willing.x

ClearTheFog · Senior Member

Thanks, el-cee. I'm sitting here having a massive pity party (blows noise-maker, waves balloons) and am really tearful. I'm not sure if I'm having some kind of delayed reaction to all the trauma? I'm getting my feelings hurt left and right at work. I really lost myself this time. It's debilitating.

And another thing is, when I was younger, I took on the role of 'the one who hides in the corner to avoid getting yelled at'. Well now that I feel more confident, like I count as a human being, it feels like everybody is mad at me or hates me because I actually have opinions now and won't be pushed around any more. Makes me want to give up really, if everybody is going to just get upset with me or think I'm 'difficult'. So I'm 'difficult' because I have an opinion?

*Goes back to giant pity-party for one*

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Could you stop blowing, waving for just a moment? Let me know when you put your noise maker and balloons down if you don't mind? And if you do mind, well, I'm leaving a hug for you (((CF))) that you can add to your party at will.

I've had those same experiences in my relationships with other. Of course folks get mad at us when we change. That's what we often fear the most - the big, ole bad, scary, monstrous, ugly, impossible experience called change that happens in life. They'll work through it or not. The important thing is that you are caring for yourself, putting yourself out there and letting the chips fall where they will. Good work.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Thursday 14th of August 2014 08:12:37 PM

-- Edited by grateful2be on Thursday 14th of August 2014 08:19:01 PM

ClearTheFog · Senior Member

Thanks G2B. Ok. Pity party is over for the night .

I appreciate the encouragement. I'm thinking I might need a few days just to let everything settle. I can't make any sense out of anything, so I think I'm going to give up trying to for the time being. There is a phrase people use here for that but I can't remember what it is.

PS Jen...yes! I agree. 48 hours max.

-- Edited by ClearTheFog on Thursday 14th of August 2014 09:17:54 PM

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