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I've been involved with an alcoholic most of the past 30 yrs in one form or another. Alcohol consumption has been manageable for myself. I can take it or leave it. I often drink water when out with friends or my fiancé because I don't want to drink soda (the alternative to alcohol in most places). I have chosen to abstain from alcohol for the past 6 months to keep a clear mind and to support my fiancé in his struggle.
My fiancé is alcoholic trying to quit drinking. We are living in Mexico now for 2 months. I'm US citizen, he's Mexican citizen who's lived in US for past 20 yrs. Lot going on both adjusting to new life (both of us want to live in US, but he's not able to anymore). He used to drink 3-5 days a week, but after serving 14 months in prison for 3rd DWI he wants to change his life. He promised (while serving those 14 months) he was done with alcohol and that he would be able to make the necessary changes with me by his side.
AA is available in Mexico, but he doesn't want to go because his mentality is not the same as the average man attending the meetings in this area (he says he thinks differently because he's been in the US for so many years). I've never sought out help with Al Anon, but I have done private counseling dealing with codependency issues, etc.
In the past 2 months, his alcohol consumption has been once every couple of weeks and has been lite (not drunk). My issue is that I am dealing with broken promises. He has arbitrarily decided that it's not a big deal (not the end of the world as he says) if he drinks a few every now and then. Most of us know that this is a slippery slope. I get infuriated because of the sacrifices I have made to go through his incarceration and moving to Mexico based upon promises of being done and wanting to live a sober life.
I love him, but am scared of the possible escalation of alcohol consumption in the future and how that will affect our life (especially when I make trips back to the US to visit my family; don't think I can trust him while I'm away). I don't want to make any more sacrifices for someone drinking. Sometimes I feel like calling it quits.
Today I just feel like I have no clue of what to do.....
Hello and welcome.
I am learning on how not to have expectations. It is not easy. My husband too promised me many times that he would stop drinking/ getting drunk, whatever. I was let down and broken each time he didn't follow through. This caused a lot of anger and resentment. I had so much negative feelings to deal with, it was so overwhelming.
I am feeling better now as I am accepting that I have no control over my husband behaviour and drinking. I didn't cause his alcoholism and I can't cure it.
I stopped focusing on wether he is drinking or not and started paying attention at my life, my goals, my spiritual growth.
I am still with him because I am legally married, in a foreign country with no family close. We have a daughter together. I am not sure if I would be with him now if he was only a boyfriend.
You can go back to the USA any time you want and you can have the support of your family there too. You are also fortunate enough to be able to control your drinking.
I can see you already sacrificed a lot to be with your boyfriend. How much further are you willing to go?
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Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must but take the step.
Most active alcoholics who don't really want to stop or only passively want to stop but not really be in recovery will tell you things like how they are different than, smarter than, not as religious, more religious, than the folks in AA. It is a huge load of hogwash from someone that just doesn't want to commit to recovery. This man's actions have repeatedly told you what he is going to do. Believe what he does and not what he says. My experience has been that I can't live my life or be in relationships contingent upon what someone else SAYS they are going to do. I can only be with someone who I admire, love, respect, and can totally accept now...no "IFs." Life is too short to go following people around, putting my life on hold, and sacrificing my happiness for what someone else may or may not do. In this case, I venture to say it is a PROBABLY not do because of 1. The historical pattern he has shown; 2. This is a disease and not something you can just play around with and say "it's not the end of the world if I drink." It already led him to 3 DUIs and over a year in jail. It may be the end of his world if he continues. The insanity in his statements is ridiculous.
To me it sounds like you are setting yourself up for a huge disappointment. If you have other reasons to like living in Mexico and friends, and enjoy life there and are doing things you want....that would be a different story. But it sounds like it's all because of him and he is not in recovery, not stable, and not capable of giving you what you want.
Thanks for responding Luiza and Pinkchip. Your experienced viewpoints have helped me today. I know that my A will have to come to terms with committing to recovery in order for me to continue this path we are on. Today, I realized that I can't do this on my own either. It's a little harder to find face to face Al-Anon in Mx for English speaker, so I really appreciate any online feedback from anyone. God Bless
There are online meetings here twice a day. You can buy some books too.
Have a look at other threads. I always get so much from other people's sharing.
Keep coming back.
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Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must but take the step.
Hi Americana-n-mx. I'm so glad you found MIP. This is a great bunch of supportive folks here. I would strongly advise you to seek out Al-Anon. I honestly don't know where I would be if it were not for God leading me to Al-Anon.
Next, I understand how you feel. The betrayal of broken promises and trust cuts deep. I noticed he says it's no big deal, but for an alcoholic, having one drink, or one beer is a very big deal. It's like walking on a sheet of thin ice. That ice is most definitely going to break, and the alcoholic is going to fall in. That ball is in his court, and he's going to play it the way he wants to play it, regardless of how you feel. I liked what pinkchip said, "believe what he does not what he says."
Most of your post was about him. You need to focus on you. Don't put expectations in an alcoholic. They are sick and not capable of living up to their own expectations, let a lone someone else's. Al-Anon will help you focus on you and help you get healthy emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. I urge you to seek out face to face meetings, and keep coming back here.
God Bless You!
((hugs))
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Look for the rainbow after the storm, and I'm sending you a double dose of HOPE. H-hold O-on P-pain E-ends
Welcome and I agree with what pinkchip wrote about those not ready for recovery being too.........(insert whatever here) for AA. My now exA told me one reason he doesn't need to go to AA meetings is that those meetings are full of some REAL ***holes! I don't think anyone thinks I'm a real ***hole! ???
On the other hand--with what you mentioned about your A not having the same mentality as Mexicans living in Mexico who go to meetings because he has been living in US....I have a friend who has gone to meetings in Japan, Russia, Spain, and he speaks English only.
The thing that helped me the most was going to Alanon meetings and working the steps with a sponsor, focusing on myself.
There is a double winner in one of my Al-Anon groups who tells the same story as Mary's friend. He said he's been in meetings all over the world and doesn't even understand the language, but he understands what everyone is talking about. Don't buy the BS. It is a smokescreen for "I don't want to quit".
-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 13th of August 2014 09:10:45 PM
A great post with insightful, honest responses. Work your recovery program through al anon and the broken promises won't have anymore power over you. Hugs
As a 'double winner' myself, I was nodding as I read the comment that it is all alkie hogwash! Translated it means 'I don't want to quit!'.
Your A probably believes the hogwash himself. I certainly did. When we drink we all want to believe we are different from all others A and special somehow. All part of our insane thinking. I see now my thinking was the same as all others that poured the same chemical into themselves as I did. It takes a long time away from drinking and lots of recovery work to see this. I am four years quit.
Aloha A n M and again welcome to the board. You have already received such right on support...real and truthful and there are hundreds of other members who could come to the front and repeat the responses. I am also a "double" a member of both Al-Anon and AA and I've been around for a while. When I first came face to face with the programs I thought as your "alcoholic" thinks...I can and then I was warned "not with the same head you drank with". That was a truth I learned to accept and work with and the work meant sitting with the "winners" of recovery and becoming the student because literally I didn"t know anything about alcoholism and didn't know that I didn't know. I was pre-kindergarten stage.
"AA is available in Mexico, but he doesn't want to go because his mentality is not the same as the average man attending the meetings in this area (he says he thinks differently because he's been in the US for so many years). I've never sought out help with Al Anon, but I have done private counseling dealing with codependency issues, etc." There are lots of justifications to stay out of recovery and only one to get in and stay in. He isn't ready...He has decided to keep drinking and the most important decision is yours..."what are you going to do". My alcoholic/addict's decision was to keep on keeping on with the drinking and using and mine was to get away from all things alcohol. Alcoholism is a fatal disease for both the drinker and non-drinker. I made the decision to live...save my life and continue living.
What is important is your choice. Hope part of that is to Keep Coming Back. (((((hugs)))))
Thanks everyone. I soooo appreciate the insight and experience you offer to help me think rationally about this unhealthy situation. I've been through it before in previous marriage and had to make the decision to walk away. My current relationship is not a bad one and he has made so many changes already of his own desire, but still not a solid commitment to recovery which will be his and my next discussion. Either way, I know I have to make choices for me. All in due time.
