The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I feel like I have tried everything and nothing works unless I stand my ground. I will not cave to my alcoholic spouse's verbal abuse, demands and moods! He yells at me he is gonna get it right back. I tried Alanon face to face meetings in my last city and found them to cause me depression and then more resentment. (not that they are bad I just did not have a positive experience personally) They kept telling me I was the cause of his drinking unless I did what they said and made sure he attended the meetings. I am not in charge of his sobriety. I did not cause his drinking nor can I control it. That is what the book says but not what they said. I stopped going and then we moved to the middle of the country where there are no meetings. I just deal with this the best I can now. I have been putting up with his drunken butt for nearly 20 years and darn it I am not walking away and letting him have the house and live in comfort while I suffer. I just have to deal with having a spouse who I can only speak to sober from 6am to 3pm. (his work hours) He stays sober for work but begins the stupification process the second he gets home. I work late so by the time I get home he is drunk and belligerent every day. He did quit smoking regular cigs recently though. He switched to an e-cig and has so far been successful but it seems to have only increased the drinking. So now his mood swings are worse. Oh and as luck would have it he also has PTSD with alcohol induced psychosis. Oh yes I am a lucky woman! Since nothing has worked I have given up. I do whatever I want and he can just drink himself to death if he so chooses. I am not trying to be uncaring but letting go of the responsibility that has been put on me for HIS drinking. I also have a glass of wine now and then. I went 4 years with nothing trying to be supportive. Did not work. So screw it I live as I want and do things that make me happy while he forgets his whole life in a drunken stooper. Sad but my reality. Robin Williams wife said he was her best friend. They seemed to have it all and she could not stop him either. Not putting my life on hold any longer for that drunk SOB. Okay thank you kindly for letting me vent here. : )
Lots of anger I hear in your post, Brenda. I've felt that way, too. On a deeper level, beneath the anger, I've felt sad and discouraged and sometimes despairing because I simply didn't know what to do next and felt trapped. Al-Anon meetings and the fellowship have helped me work through so much of that. I'm sorry to learn that there are no meetings where you live. We have on-line meetings here twice a day. The folks at this message board are a great group, too. Welcome. Keep coming back.
Dear ponygal, welcome to Miracles in Progress. I am pleased that you found us and had the courage to share with such clarity and honesty. I'm sorry that you had such a negative experience with Al-Anon meetings . The basic principles of the Al-Anon program worldwide, is the simple philosophy that we are powerless over people places and things. That in order to have a successful life we need to keep the focus on ourselves, rebuild our self-esteem and self-worth and understand that by using the tools that Al-Anon offers we can live with courage serenity and wisdom.
Many of the ideas that you presented actually do follow Al-Anon's philosophy. You are taking care yourself, you are focused on your own life, your own needs, have accepted that you are powerless over your partners actions and are living with acceptance.
I too did hear anger and resentment in your share so that I do think that Al-Anon's tools can also help you let go of that anger and resentment and still live your life with serenity and peace regardless of what the alcoholic does.
Since there are no meetings in your new location we have online meetings here two times a day and making the connection with others who understand as few others can will offer great support and help in breaking the isolation. Please keep coming back and sharing you are worth it
Aloha Brenda and welcome to the family...MIP...you came looking for you and now you have found solution. Not all AA or Al-Anon groups are the same...there is no perfection only progress "if you're willing to listen with an open mind..you will find help". That is the first promise made to me when I first got into Al-Anon and it has come true. At first I didn't like "Them" and "They" were not my kinds of people or did "they" know who I was, what I needed and how I should get it. It took me two trips to get "into" the program and in the meantime at times because of my attitude I was asked to leave a room and just before I did they mentioned "keep coming back" wha!!! Where I got into program there was a combination of 439 meetings a month in a tri-county area and when I learned that I learn how huge the disease and problem was. For me I was born and raised within this disease and its influences. Alcoholism is natural and normal for me even now and better still with the program in my life because while I am still very affected nothing sticks and I don't life with negative attitudes...just not spiritually healthy. Rebellion is good...its a tool and I was and am still good with it and the program helped me to do rebellion without doing the battle. I hope that you keep coming back and also attend the online meetings (2 a day) and learn what we have learned and do now. When my expectations matched what I was getting I started doing things different for me. You expect that he will continue to drink on a daily basis...what are you going to do.?? (((((hugs)))))
Wow brenda, theres a lot of resentmnet coming from your post, I understand as will most here, what I dont understand is what kind of non alanon meeting did you end up in? you described the exact opposite of alanon and im sorry you had that experience, its given me and most alanoners I knkw their life back.
When we live with alcoholism we tend to have symptoms all of our own, self pity, bitterness, anger, resentment, playing victim/martyr, self rightousness, and possibly a few others, its only these we can get help for, your right his recovery or non recovery is his business, nothing you can do except let him own every single consequence. Give alanon another go If you can, dont know where you were but it wasnt alanon, good luck.x
Angry? Maybe, but it's not denial and not desperation. I don't see you as "rebelling" either. I see you as detaching, albeit with anger. There's only a few things you wrote that are potential dangers to me to your maintaining your own peace. Yelling back...Yeah...I get that it's only "fair" but I wouldn't want to spend each day yelling (but understand about getting yelled at is unfair too). Also, why would you suffer if you left the house and why would he be in comfort? Sounds like he lives miserably already and is really unhappy. He would not be "comfortable" either way. You might be though. Only saying this so you are open minded to the idea that you do have some choices if you don't want to be with him or around him every day anymore.
I hear despair and sadness underneath the anger. I understand completely, I felt that way for many years. There was a time when I believed the al anon tools would not work for me, but, they did. Stay with us here for a bit and get a taste of what we have gained, then decide, in your own time, if the 12 steps might work for you, too.
I find it really life enhancing to be able to come here and read, vent, chat and have fun alongside a group of people who simply understand our situations so well. I have also tended to get on and live my life despite my husband's drinking and on the whole I enjoy the things that I do. Sometimes I feel resentment and sometimes I feel angry but these feelings really get in the way of my own enjoyment of things so when they surface I try to counter balance them with some calm time out and treats. As Pinkchip says, it is important for me to feel that I have options, and I also question myself about why I am still with AH from time to time. I know that I don't want to end up as a bitter old lady so my life ambition is to make sure that I have lots of good memories to look back on and enjoy. Is that how you cope as well?
