The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have come to absolutely hate alcohol and everything to do with it. I grew up in a family of mean drunks and started on the same road before I stopped because of tragedy and embarrassment when I was 22. I married a woman who came from a similar family but claimed to want to be away from that lifestyle, in the 20 years we were married she could never leave that life behind, her drinking caused so many problems.... I could explain but my guess is most of you know the life I speak of. And now my son, 21 years old and has already been busted twice for drinking, first time for underage drinking and now DUI.
Is alcohol my personal curse? Will I ever have a life free of the effects of alcohol? I just want to crawl under a rock and be left alone. sigh
Cooper. You are in the right place. This is a hard life; if we allow it to take us over. I hope you find AlAnon face2face meetings in your area. It is the only place I found where I was understood, really understood. After two failed A marriages, you (I) ask myself, "what is wrong w/ me?" I am an A magnet. :) I don't drink. period.
But, you will find love and support in this group. Keep coming back.
Welcome to Miracles in Progress Cooper, Alcoholism is a progressive, fatal, incurable disease , that not only infects the person who drinks but the entire family as well. I am sorry that your son is now coping with DUIs . AA is a recovery program for the alcoholic, and Al-Anon or ACOA is the recovery program for the family.
Having grown up with the disease of alcoholism , and marrying an alcoholic, I had developed negative coping tools that seemed to work in an alcoholic environment but were unhealthy and destructive. I believed in taking care of others and making myself invisible, I believed in pretending everything was fine and never verbalizing the truth of how I felt, I abandoned myself and supported others in an effort to keep peace. All these attitudes stopped working in the grown-up world and I needed to find new positive ways to live my life. Al-Anon offered me the solution.
Al-Anon believes that alcoholism is a disease over which we are powerless. We didn't cause it, can't control it, and cannot cure it. The best way for us to be able to live our lives is by seeking a recovery program for ourselves. There are face-to-face meetings held in most communities and the hotline number is found in the white pages. In order to break the isolation caused by living with the disease face-to-face meetings helped me to reach out and find the support that I badly needed. Here are people who have lived with this disease and understand his few others can. No one gave me advice but offered me new tools to help rebuild my self-esteem and self-worth and a place to go to practice. The program is based on the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and we attempt to live our lives one day at a time, focused on ourselves, treating others and ourselves with courtesy and respect and trusting in a power greater than ourselves.
By attending meetings practicing this program I have been set free of the chaos of alcoholism. My family is still very much alcoholic and I have learned how to show up for events and take care myself. I urge you to do likewise. There is hope and help.
Even with Al-Anon recovery work for many years, I still hit those places you describe and don't want to get up either. Everything seems hopeless. I've learned to share how I'm truly thinking and feeling in the moment as you are doing. And then I notice that I get up and do the next right thing even if that thing is to go and fix myself something to eat or change my shoes or work in my garden or send a thinking of you card to someone I know is going through a hard time. Keep coming back here even after you go to Al-Anon meetings. It is a big help to have people to listen to you and understand what your life is like and your fears, too. You're not alone.
I think you are really in the right place. I can think of several members here that have similar experiences throughout the generations in their family.
Aloha Cooper and welcome to the board brother...as it has been said already you are in the right place now. We share the story and yes if you learn to do what so many of us have learned to do your life will not be affected by alcoholism as it is right now. Family, wives, son, grandson, aunts, uncles, grand-parents oh and myself. I am a double and member of both programs who loves sanity today. Hotrod mentioned a good start thought for newbies...a relief statement we all the 3 Cs. You didn't cause this, You cannot control it and will not cure it. You are in the other room now...how do you deal with it when its someone else's drinking and using? Stick around and keep coming back. (((hugs)))
Welcome Cooper, its great that you have reached out, and I am sorry that you have been affected by alcoholism in your life.
I think that you will find that, as you say, many of us know the feelings that you describe. It is horrid! Sadly alcoholism isn't personal, it affects so many people and by speaking about it I think that we create a more positive energy in our lives and in our society. For me, part of that energy includes being able to choose what I will allow to dominate my life. I often forget that though, and like others here I can easily slide into more negative thinking if I don't pay attention and remind myself that I can shape my own life. Good to have you with us.
Hi folks, this is the OP and I want to say thank you for reaching out and offering support.
What is so upsetting for me is the way alcohol has attached itself to my life and I can't be rid of it. As a child I learned how to "fix" things and have been doing it ever since. I thought by my not drinking it would be a great example to my children of how life should be, when my marriage ended I fought and kept the kids with me. When I would talk with the kids about drinking and how they should worry because of the family genetics both would make comments about how I don't need to worry, they see the damage and won't ever let it effect their lives. The very night my son got his DUI he and I had a conversation about drinking, he told me he was "smart" and never drove after drinking, and then the cops bring him home at 1:30AM.
I have realized I have never had the right coping skills to deal with this, I can almost always "fix" the damage and absorb the pain but I can't cure the problem, and the cycle continues.
I have never attended AA or Al-Anon meetings, but have encouraged others to go. It sounds like my approach has been ass-backwards, sounds like I need to fix me instead. I will find and attend an Al-Anon meeting and see how it goes.
Welcome and glad to hear that you will find a meeting to attend. It took me a long time to go from hearing about Alanon to attending a meeting, and then another long time from that first meeting until I was going w any sort of consistency, working steps w a sponsor and working a program.
The effects of alohol are extraordinary. I also have alcoholism in my family and choose not to drink, and have had similar discussions w my kids about the genetic link to alcoholism. We can only take care of ourselves, as you said, and I'm glad you are doing that.
Welcome Cooper. You have had insightful, supportive responses...a taste of what al anon has to offer. I wanted to give you my perspective on something you said. I do not believe any of us need fixing, however finding our true selves is the necessary undertaking to living a life that is fulfilling and happy. The 12 steps have helped me discover my true self and it is available free of charge
Dear Cooper, You are not alone. I spoke about the dangers of alcohol with my son from the time he was 8 years old. He told me that I saw alcoholics behind every tree but that he understood and would not drink. He attended alateen, several alanon and AA meetngs and grasped the concepts so well. I was so sure I had broken the family dynamics
He did well--did not drink until he was over 30, found someone who told him he was a grown up and could drink.
He died of alcoholism at 41.
We are indeed powerless over this diseae. I am glad you are going to attend alanon meetings. You deserve it..
You don't need to be "fixed" either. You need education, encouragement, support and understanding. We aren't broken. We have been pushed into roles by the disease that we have played unknowingly for years and years. Al-Anon program work teaches us how to dump the old roles, live and let live. Glad you're here. Keep coming back.
Hi Cooper - welcome to the board. My thought on fixing is this - is it mine to fix? When I try to fix something that isn't mine to fix, I can't do it, breeding frustration and anger. Alcohol is everywhere, advertised as a fun toy to play with, used to loosen up on a first date, used to toast a newly married couple, and the death of a loved one. We can't make the world stop drinking, but we don't have to fix the damage that results from it.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
Dear Cooper, You are not alone. I spoke about the dangers of alcohol with my son from the time he was 8 years old. He told me that I saw alcoholics behind every tree but that he understood and would not drink. He attended alateen, several alanon and AA meetngs and grasped the concepts so well. I was so sure I had broken the family dynamics
He did well--did not drink until he was over 30, found someone who told him he was a grown up and could drink.
He died of alcoholism at 41.
We are indeed powerless over this diseae. I am glad you are going to attend alanon meetings. You deserve it..
Hotrod I am incredibly sorry for your loss, how terrible to have to face that kind of grief.
Hi Cooper - welcome to the board. My thought on fixing is this - is it mine to fix? When I try to fix something that isn't mine to fix, I can't do it, breeding frustration and anger. Alcohol is everywhere, advertised as a fun toy to play with, used to loosen up on a first date, used to toast a newly married couple, and the death of a loved one. We can't make the world stop drinking, but we don't have to fix the damage that results from it.
likemyheart you are so correct, alcohol is so glorified in this day and age. As a single man being a non drinker makes me a bit of a social outcast, I have rendered women speechless when I say I never drink, it makes them very uncomfortable.
When I was a child and my dad would black out I would sit there and watch him breathe, sure that soon he would just stop and die. And now here I am 40 plus years later doing the same thing with my son, checking on him to see if he's still breathing.
Life isn't suppose to be like this.
I have found some al-anon meetings here locally. I have never been big on sharing my feelings with strangers but I am stressed beyond capacity, I will attend a meeting and see how it goes.
I know what your going through and I can tell you your not alone. I am so sick of what my son has done to himself over the last few years. I can be grateful now that he is sitting in prison ( 2 yrs ) for the choice of driving while drinking and I pray he will finally get some help with his forced sobriety.
I can tell you I wish I would have set boundaries and let go of my enabling a long time ago because I think it would have help him so much more than mom taking care of everything and covering up my denial of what was really going on. I will now let my son have the dignity to make his own choices good or bad and I will continue to take care of me in hopes someday I will have my son back.
Take care of you my friend....life can and will get better.
((( hugs )))
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
but that he understood and would not drink. He attended alateen, several alanon and AA meetngs and grasped the concepts so well. I was so sure I had broken the family dynamics