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Where do I start? I just need to vent to my wonderful people here who understand and help me so much! Having an anxiety filled day. Oldest left for college, which is 9 hrs away. It's her 3rd year. Sounds too far away for me. Her dad drove with her. I started to feel so sad later after she left. she just turned 20. Not a baby anymore! But she was so helpful to me this summer. My middle child is leaving for her first year of college on the 21st. She will be 3 1/2 hrs away. At least she is closer. So it will be just me and my youngest at home. I think I am feeling abandonment issues. I was so happy when I moved out in March and left AH. But as the days go by I am feeling more depressed being "alone" and also angry that he still does not have a job. He hasn't worked since Jan. he is living in our ugly fixer upper home. The house continues to be messier and messier inside. It isn't clean either. I can see how much I cleaned now that I don't live there. It makes me sad. our daughter sees him and stays the night every other weekend. Supposedly he isn't drinking. I don't think he is. I always have a back up plan in case he is. Our daughter will not see him if he is drinking. Period. And I told him she can't come over until the house is clean. I am feeling upset because I am sitting back watching him do useless things that aren't necessary around the house. He isn't working. He spends a lot of time posting CRAP on a website I hate. We might lose our house. I am working my butt off. I worked 16 hrs in one day last week. I had to borrow money from my mom for some car repairs. I used some of the money already because I was very low and I don't get paid until Friday. feeling guilty about that...even though I will use my money on Friday to pay for repairs. Needed school supplies and oldest had a birthday. I feel sad because I am pretty much raising 3 kids without a partner. My ex helps some...I've known him since we were teenagers. He is getting divorced from his second wife now. My oldest is sad because she says "why can't anyone stay married?" I also have some lovely new neighbors in my apartment complex. They look like young men in their 20's. They drink a lot and smoke. I see the cans on their back porch. Yippee!!! Can't escape it completely I guess. I've already had to complain to management about their noise.
I know I need to work on detaching from AH more. I am just so resentful also because he says his job hunting and what's going on with that is none of my business. according to him I am mean and he doesn't owe me an explanation for anything. my youngest daughter (with AH) goes to a Christian school. I love the school, it's small and they have great hours for daycare that I really need. They are helping me raise my child. If AH doesn't find a job, I may have to put her into public school. I am trying hard to avoid that. I don't want her to have too many changes...and I don't want too many more changes either! Change is hard for me to deal with at times. Lots of changes going on for me. being hard on myself I guess. I need to look at the positive things in life. It's hard. I should be proud my kids have turned out pretty well-adjusted since they've lived through 2 divorces...plus their dad's divorce. They are smart kids. My youngest is running around getting her stuff ready to start school tomorrow. I am trying to focus on her happiness and to be thankful for the little things. I tend to look at the big picture and fall apart. :( going to a meeting soon. Hoping it will help. Thanks for listening
Past, future, present all rolled together in one painful knot in your mind and emotions. I get it. I've been there. I still go there when something happens that is as intensely emotional as your daughter moving 9 hours away. I've also gone through that when so many changes that I have little control over happen and I don't like the changes. It helps me to remember that I have turned my life and my will into the care of my HP and although things happen that I don't like and hurt, I can trust that I will work it all through and adjust to the changes that are occurring in my time and in my way. It also helps to vent as you are doing and to trust that it matters that I am hurting and need the support of simply being heard and accepted as I am at the present time. Lots of prayers and support for you. You're going through tough stuff and a lot of it hurts. Be gentle with yourself, sister. You're not alone.
I am listening and I understand all of your feelings. You have done a great job raising your children and I hear your pride in your post. Give yourself a big hug. I hope you find comfort in your meeting (((hugs))).
Thank you ladies. The meeting helped, then I talked to my sponsor. She always helps, too. I need to stay in the moment...it helps. I focused on my daughter's excitement to start school, and that made me happy. I heard an acronym tonight that I haven't heard before: HOPE: Hold On Pain Ends. Love it! That's what I will do...hold on. I know time helps me heal.
The things that bother you the most about AH are the same things you stated months ago. No job, and wasting time and money. He is not logical, not practical, whiny, and childish. Yet you are watching him and paying really close attention to him and monitoring him? For what? Why are you monitoring all his annoying traits and reasons why you left? Are you still holding on that he's going to magically stop farting around hoarding junk, not working, and wasting money and turn into Prince Charming? NLG, you know that's not gonna happen. He has a bandaid stuck on his alcoholism and isn't really healing so it's coming out in all sorts of other ways. Look forward, try to minimize time that you are spending looking back at that mess. I know it's hard because you share a child and still have to have contact. After I broke up with my ex he dated a crack head that stole from him and chased away the rest of his friends that he had left. Did that make sense? Why would he do such a thing?!! Oh yeah, cuz he's crazy, needy, and a sick drunk and that's why I left him. Back to my life :)
I may just be in sappy newlywed mode, but for now, I feel you should be with someone who you cherish and celebrate. That could be being with yourself, your HP, and/or eventually with someone else. I have spent much of my life trying to turn toads into Prince Charming. Heed red flags (you state many in your posts) and don't settle again...Relationships need not be so complicated and worrisome.
I totally agree. I am day dreaming about a few possible princes...but I think it's safer if I just daydream for now. I have been in dysfunctional relationships for way too many years.
The movie "Nonstop" was playing outside on the big screen on my honeymoon cruise G2B. I thought of you as it was all Liam under the stars on a cruise...
Well, she can have Liam as long as you guys leave me Hugh Jackman or Greg Kinnear or Pierce Brosnan or many other good looking over 50 movie stars, LOL! I can't think of them all so those were the first 3 that popped into my head!
Oh, and I think that Prince Charming is overrated but I am prone to fantasizing, as well. I recently posted about a fantasy I was having over a friend of mine who I was 'feeling' attracted to. Mind you, he's in another state and is a very conservative Christian man, just as much as I am conservative, as well. Yet, it was hard for my mind to just STOP thinking about him. All it took was a 2 hour phone conversation that we had and I came to realize that that is how emotional affairs start. I have since cut most contact with this man except to 'like' posts on FB, etc. The funny thing was, all we talked about was books, our faith, our failures and how God has worked in our lives, etc but that was intimate enough for me to realize how very weak I was because of the state of my own marriage. It's always best to err on the side of caution and take the high road but that goes for our thoughts, as well. Today, if I find myself fantasizing about him I turn my attention back to God and I just pray for this man and pray for my husband and for other people in my life. Through prayer and meditation, working the 10th and 11th steps, I find that I can release these obsessive unhealthy thoughts and I can be more productive as a human being because I let it go, using prayer as a vehicle.
Lots of hugs to you today, I know how hard this all is, believe me, LOL!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
I am going to give you some loving thoughts. If you don't live with the A, you can't concern yourself w/ how he lives, if/when he workds, etc. I know you probably have $ invested in the home - and you can pay to have it clean, but you have less control now then you did when you lived w/ him; and I am sure that wasn't much. It sounds like you are still focused on him, and less on you. Instead of being "lonely" find a class to go to; a book club; antique window shopping. There must be some community activities that you can avail youself to that do not cost a lot of $, if any. Go to a face2face meeting.
I have neighbors who are hoarders and bring down the value of my house & I used to let it drive me crazy; until I realized I have ZERO control over what they do over there. There is not a thing I can do about it. That is hard. I even reported them to the city; and nothing.
I hope you take this in the love it was intended. ((( )))
Glad to hear your kiddos are all doing well despite all this. I told my son the other day, "If you ever pick up a drink, I will clober you" as I smiled. :)
Andromeda, I had similar reactions and emotional attractions to others when I was in unhappy relationships. A lot of times it made me realize how lonely and unhappy I was and that there were other fish in the sea even though leaping from one relationship to another in a way that also involves infidelity was not something I wanted to be part of my value system. Just saying, sometimes getting a glimpse of what I could have motivated me out of settling for what I didn't want in relationships. Not the healthiest of motivators, but I'd be lying if I didn't admit I ended some relationships because I wanted passion, romance, and an intimate connection again and those things were long gone in the relationship I was in...especially with the ex-A.
Thanks everyone. Enjoyed reading about your fantasy men. Lol. Mine are actually real people I know. I am feeling dreamy I guess. It keeps my mind occupied for awhile and off what AH is doing.
ooooooooooooooooooo, newlife girl.....REAL??? REAL?????? ooooooooooooooo, too, too dangerous. But - at least the real people you know don't include Liam. Grin.
PC: He is soooooooo good looking! They picked the right movie for their cruise guests to watch under the stars.
el cee: Heehee
Andromeda: You've got it. All those guys you mentioned are of no interest to me and I'm so glad we won't be arguing over Liam.
My memory is reminding me of my relationship with my early sponsor and the times when I use to vent (barf it up) all over the place. One day he said to me "STOP" and I thought what he was meaning was that he was tired of hearing it and no he was telling me "STOP" so that I could take STOPPING ACTION. Get to work on the program and not "my" program. My program was the one that brought me to "the" program where I was told that it works when I work it not when I just talk it. "This is a do thing" the elders use to say over and over and so I had to start doing the do. My sponsor use to ask me questions...lots of them with the expectation that I find the answers to questions like why. "Why do you keep dragging your self thru this swamp". The swamp was of course (I got it) the mess of my life and the focus was on me doing the dragging. "Why do you choose to allow her to destroy your peace of mind and serenity"...find the answer to why...it is about me and I needed to learn about me cause that is what I needed to change...it wasn't about finding others to find change for me cause I did that and they didn't help either, in fact that was one of the major things wrong with me...my chooser or picker was broke. Until I would fix me I could not have a good we...over and over and over again expecting different results. Keep coming back ((((hugs))))
