Dealing with rage - Al-Anon Family Group

Mirandac · ~*Service Worker*~

Dealing with rage

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

It is a difficult time Mirandac Alanon members and meetings are where I found the support, understanding and love that I needed to learn how to restructure my life. Keep coming back and sharing .

The rage is normal but is only hurting you. Glad you shared, that helps it to dissipate.

Mirandac · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you Betty. It certainly is an uncomfortable feeling
And i wish my hp would take it away.

Jen61 · ~*Service Worker*~

I think detachment from all of them is very healthy. Taking care of your mom would not be a good thing. Once it is all over with move where you want to move and do what you want to do. Not what other people say. If you can go in the backyard and scream. It might help. Take care, Jenny

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Suggestions: Rage is a powerful energy and can be used for good. We can use it to clean our homes, work in the yard, pound on some drums, paint pictures, polish windows, cut down brush, plant bulbs for spring growth. We can use it to pick up trash in the neighborhood, detail our own cars, put together our own personal garage or yard sale. We can clean out our closets and donate the clothes we don't or won't wear anymore. We can swim laps, run, power wash our houses. Sitting on it won't help but using it to fuel positive change helps us work with our HP to transform the energy from negative to positive. My daughter used to go into her room every time she was mad at somebody, slam her door and within 10 to 15 minutes, I'd hear furniture moving in her room. Later, she'd open her door and ask me to come upstairs to see what she had done. Her room was sparkly clean and all the furniture had been rearranged in a new way that always surprised and delighted me because she was so happy at what she had been able to do. She was no longer angry or frustrated. She was calm, content and ready to eat supper.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 11th of August 2014 03:55:03 PM

Mirandac · ~*Service Worker*~

I can do that with anger. I can clean with the best of them. But this
Rage is deep inside me, it feels very toxic.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

It is toxic. It also helped me to write exactly what I was thinking and feeling - and some of it was very ugly - and share it with God, myself and a person I trusted. By writing it down, I could see what was going on in my mind and heart and make necessary adjustment. By sharing it, I could gain the support and understanding I needed from a person who cared about me and would also help guide me to the next step for me.

Mirandac · ~*Service Worker*~

I wrote out 6 pages of bad stuff that has been going on for the last
11 years in my marriage. It helped, i reread it a few times. i will

share it with my sponsor.i did call a friend for advice she has been

thru all this stuff and has attended alanon. i have been thinking of my

therapist lately she told me i had Abandonment issues and adult children issues

from my upbringing. This might be all intertwined with whats going on

with me now And the rage.

-- Edited by Mirandac on Monday 11th of August 2014 04:46:31 PM

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Good work Now share it with another and ask HP to lift the anger and rage. It works.

Been there and done that . You will still remember the issues but will be free of the pain and that is what is most important .

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

That's what I discovered, too, M. What was happening in the present was often tied in with what happened in the past when I wasn't able to deal with it yet. Glad you shared it with your sponsor and are still writing it all out. Helps to get it out of our head onto paper where stuff starts to make sense and seem more manageable to us.

Mirandac · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you both for your wisdom. This disease is so destructive to
Family life and relationships. With ah being dry i came to believe
My life would be normal. We could work out any problems if we
Loved each other. How very wrong I was about everything!

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Maybe you are working things out, Mirandac? Just differently than you might have wanted or hoped for? If something isn't right for me anymore, I've learned that no matter what I do or don't do, the outcome isn't what I'd always hoped for and it is exactly right for me and for my growth. I still have to work through all the "stuff" that comes with change but ultimately I end up happier and more fulfilled than I was in the past circumstance and the past relationships.

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

((Mirandac)) Your post resonates!

Letting it (the unfair, the unjust, and the insane) bubble up and dealing with it is an important and very humbling step. When this happened to me, it then was not a matter of right and wrong, but more of setting and maintaining strong boundaries and planting my own garden.

Thanks to keeping close to Alanon especially when I least felt like it, I was able to process the rage and unload it to my HP, who is much better equipped to handle it. I am not currently in a thick(est) part of it, but even this morning I cradled my head in my hands with despair because it was and is too much for me to handle alone. This is much too much for most of us to handle alone. Trust the program and this process and lean on us and your HP as much as you need until you can get enough traction for improving your situation.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Anger can be harnessed into changing the things you can rather than accepting things you probably shouldn't have which led to this rage. Move forward and be true to yourself.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I agree with pinkchip, rage is when we have reached a limit of how we can process what has been done. when those tenants tore up my beautiful home, I was ready to do very serious damage to them, relentless kind.

I had to learn to forgive them. for me. I heard in my head how they would probably never have the serenity I have with my hp. they will never feel the attachment and love I get to feel. To do things to others to hurt them is a horribly evil thing, not from hp.

so think how bitter they are, how messed up.

to forgive, it opens up a way for you to move on. i like how you are going to take care of YOU. Make your own nice home, go out and meet people, volunteer. go to meetings, come here. garden, raise a kitten or pupppy or piglet!

what do YOU want to do, goals, dreams. Look at what you do have.

that rage is not yours, its hp's to deal with. Its ok for you to move on and find happiness. I would not even talk to him or his family. Sounds like mom does not build you up either. who needs it.

hugs

Mirandac · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you! bud,pink and deb. I do know how to forgive myself and let it go.
I just never Really thought about it for my ah.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Even if you don't believe, Jesus asked his father to forgive his tormentors and murderers.

It is true when people are evil to us,they don't even realize the person they are hurting most, is themselves.they have to live with themselves as evil people.

Rage is rage, does not matter where it comes from. Its how we deal with it. hugs honey.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Miranda read what you can get ahold of on surrender; not detachment or forgiveness alone but surrender. Rage for me is the height of battle, one I cannot hope to win and so I had to learn to do the thing I once considered egotistically and pride fully impossible and unthinkable. Scream "Uncle" and quit the field. "Courage is fear that has said its prayers". (((((hugs))))) smile

SunshineGirl · Senior Member

I used to be filled with rage. For my past and for my current life, it used to consume me. Rule my thoughts. Horrible way to live. I worked my program, it is has gone now. I feel calm and peaceful. I am both amazed and thankful for this. I would never thought it possible.

Now if I feel annoyance, I acknowledge it rather than try and swallow it down, then release it by talking or writing and then get on with enjoying my day!

Glad to be here.

Mirandac · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you all for your wisdom. I was just expelling some tears of rage maybe
That will help me. I will do readings on surrender today.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Because you are recognizing the rage and speaking, it is out in the open. Tears, prayers, surrender and patience work for me after it is outed.

Mirandac · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you pp, just did my readings on surrender. That is a very difficult topic. I had felt my hp
When i was receptive, I just didnt like the lessons that were given. Such as this man is not good for you,
I really should have listened. I will try to meditate and empty my brain today. All this is helping
With the rage i feel.

Flower49 · Senior Member

I get overwhelmed with rage at times to. When I stop myself and be quiet, and pray to my HP, I find that much of the rage ends up being about me and my choices and indecision. I use rage feelings in positive energy as well. I have almost re-done my entire home now which I feel happy and peaceful in. Always remember, this too shall pass.

Mirandac · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you flower. I keep getting increase amounts of rage as the divorce proceeds.
Ah just got a Letter from his lawyer. I have gotten quite a few from mine with updates and
Copies of legal documents. At least i can put a finger on the increase of my rage,
"The divorce"

Nightwind · Member

surrender, acceptance, surrender, acceptance....god grant me the serenity to accept the person I cannot change....

my rage at my father, our family addict, almost killed me. He died by suicide three years ago and I moved back to my hometown to help my sister take care of my Mom, who was an enabler, depressed, engaged (unconsciously) in learned helplessness (still does). While I care about them dearly, I have been in co-dependent hell since I moved back. I am in alanon and sorting through my issues, past and present. I am also an Adult Child doing ACA step work because I need to heal on broken inner levels, need to learn to reparent myself in a loving way...

I wish I had never come back here, but my downward depressed spiral last winter was the catalyst to my healing healing on a deeper level those early fissures in my emotional and mental life...it takes what it takes.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Divorce anger is some of the most serious anger there is. It is good you are not stuffing it and you are sharing it aloud. I'd also seek out the help of divorce support groups in your area if there are any?

Mirandac · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you both. It feels like the ultimate crushing blow to my
Inner self at the hands of someone i trusted myself and life with. I
Picked him and trusted him for many years. I knew i was dysfunctional
From my bad upbringing. I did some therapy and really came out of the
Worst of my upbringing Also moved away from my family. Fresh start
And new life. He was newly sober and we did the best we could with what
We Had to work with. He had attended mens groups for A so he could get his
License back but never to AA in all these years he had it under control he
Thought. I feel i have grown and changed a lot my self from the hurting
Adult child that i was but stuff like this really brings it out.

Nightwind · Member

the old family of origin abandonment over and over...that is why I picked alcoholics....i clicked with them because they felt the same as my family of origin....it is so painful to let go, but so freeing to break the cycle...sending love

Mirandac · ~*Service Worker*~

How very true nightwind, i too picked an A, i hope to soon
Break this cycle. No more A's recovering or otherwise or dysfunctional
men. My ah family seemed so normal compared to mine
But his family has been highly affected by alcoholism.
I am seeing now how it really is a family disease. I saw
It for years but thought it wouldnt affect me.The family
denial i am encountering is potent.

Great recommendation grateful, i will look into support group
For divorce. I dont know if there is one around here or not
But will check in local paper it lists all the support groups
In this area.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

This reminded me of inventorying how much of the rage was self directed cause that was like compulsively overdosing on mind and mood altering chemicals myself. Accepting and learning that it would pass and I should let it was a blessing. My spurts of rage mostly are attached to impatience with myself and activities around me which often times can jump the tracks and get a bit nuts. I like the vision of waving the white flag and yelling "uncle" so I will do that to help me dissipate Keep coming back.

((((hugs)))) smile .

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I just wanted to say your awareness is inspiring miranda. Given all you've been going through, I find you self inventory and humility and ability to look at your specific issues really amazing. This is good recovery work here even though I know this hurts.

blessed · Senior Member

This reminds me of the slogan; having anger (rage) against another is like eating poison and waiting for the other person to die.

And

He who angers you controls you.

Anger is a real, and legitimate emotion, but must be controlled, and used properly.

You will like this. I saw this on a bumper sticker this week.

I don't need anger management, I just need you to shut up. It just made me lol! What does that say about me? Let's not go there. :)

Is there anything you know that brings you relaxation? A massage; hot bath; a walk? I encourage you to find something that you can do for you when you feel this rage coming on. It is not healthy for you; or anyone else.

And just another thought, instead of waiting for the HP to take it away; give it over to Him. He wants to take away your burdens; but you must loose them from your grip.

Sending (((hugs))) your way.

T~

-- Edited by blessed on Tuesday 12th of August 2014 07:02:21 PM

cloudyskies · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Mirandac. I used to have the kind of rage you are describing. It was that part of me trying to control my ah. It can be very toxic and when it rises up inside you, it's totally consuming. AND you are so right, you need to take care of you first. The rage you are describing can be channeled. Do something that will distract you. I have some spotless toilets right now. I get rid of a lot of rage with my toilet brush. Go for a walk. While I'm walking I talk to my HP. I know other people who hear me think I have completely lost it, but I don't care. Do anything that will help you expel that negative energy. I can literally feel the rage in me burn out when I get up and move. I also crochet, clean the pool, pull weeds from my flower beds. These are my coping tools. Just find something that works for you.

Keep going to your Al-Anon meetings and keep reading Al-Anon literature.

((hugs))

-- Edited by cloudyskies on Tuesday 12th of August 2014 09:53:48 PM

Mirandac · ~*Service Worker*~

You guys are a god send to me. I talk to other people,even my sponsor
But they dont have this level of wisdom to give to me. I will try to forgive
My ah and see if the some rage will dissipate. I am really doing a lot of grieving
Today. I had a 1/2 day off yesterday and all day today. It was tough working
All weekend with all these feelings Bubbling up to the surface.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Watch the "stacking" of the negative emotions...the powerful ones of grief and rage. You are a child of God and that for now doesn't make you perfect. Practice some of the stuff you have learned and let us know how it comes out. I am at times approaching rage and I think I have a justification for it until I back up into the program and repeat the first few words of the first step..."Admitted I was powerless". I believe that if the cause of my rage is illegal overthrow of my nation and my government and my queen 121 years ago and the ongoing illegal occupation of my country then my rage is justified....lol sometimes I must act as if delusion is cute of me. NOT!!

Keep coming back. (((hugs))) smile

blessed · Senior Member

It is interesting that work is both a blessing and a curse at times. I love my job; and it has been such a blessing to get me out of the house, and away from the toxic air in our home. But then there are days (moments) when I am shaking, I can't hold a pen or type; my heart is pounding and I am conscience that I have to not shake and be professional. Sometimes just thinking, "calm down" adds even more stress as I can't stop shaking. It is a battle within. Because we are so busy, usually that subsides as I get sidetracked w/ work. lol! What I am getting paid for.

The word is getting out that I am leaving & many of our patients are saying they will miss me; where am I going; why; ...... I try to be polite, and also tell them I will miss them too. Depending on who they are - some have become like friends, sisters, mom - I will say, "I will miss you too, but if I talk about it I will cry" and they will stop asking questions. :)

AlAnon has been my lifeboat. All these thoughts and emotions were swirling about my head knowing I was not the cause (it's not your fault, you aren't to blame....), as I was told daily, for years, that this was my fault and if I changed, he would change. Even well meaning counselors would say, "It is not your fault BUT if you can remove things that trigger his drinking...." I would want to scream, and sometimes did, "that is crazy; I can't make him stop drinking." Thank you AlAnoners for saying, "No, you're not crazy; your just married to a disease." The slogans and hearing of how others are living w/ this and not just surviving but finding serentity helped me immensly. One counsel meeting I remember in particular was the A really having nothing bad to say about me so blurted out, "sometimes when I get home there are dishes in the sink; she's home all day; why is there dishes in the sink?" Oh, because I have three children in homeschool and we cook & eat 3 meals a day. (our house has always been immaculate by the way and dishes always done before bed). But, the counselor said, "Do you think you could rearrange just a bit to have those washed up before he came home?" OMG are you kidding me? This is not the solution to his drinking. This was the maddening part for me before AlAnon - counseling.

Mirandac · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks everyone! I am much calmer today, i think the gut wrenching crying
Of grief and pain helped me yesterday. When your spouse is cheating on you it
Brings out very primitive feelings of rage and anger at them. I am much madder
At him than them. One was a very needy active a(emotional relationship only), the other
one fairly new (4years)in recovery A but she is doing the steps and working her program.
She needed someone to lean on and listen to her problems and their relationship
Obviously blossomed underground this time around. He would not communicate with me about
anything anymore I only got his contempt and disrespect since he started AA.
I don't think that is the way the program is suppose to work.

What i need is a normal loving caring partner that is there for me. It is not
Going to happen here and i need to face that and move on to a better way of life. Away
From emotional and verbal bullying and abuse. My hp has better plans for me.
I will try to pray for guidance from my hp today. Wish me luck!

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

You did well being aware of, accepting and taking healthy actions regarding your feelings. I am always grateful when I am able to purge and I love the feelings of calm that follow, even if they might be short lived. Take a big long breath and just be.

Mirandac · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you pp! I am trying,it is just so gut wrenching to face and deal with.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Let it move on through!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.