Has anyone felt this? - Al-Anon Family Group

cloudyskies · ~*Service Worker*~

Has anyone felt this?

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Cloudy skies what you describe is something that many of us have discovered. I too found myself confused and unsure, the moment I took the focus of my husband and his drinking and placed it on myself.

When I accepted my powerlessness over people places and things, I was left with myself and my feelings. I honestly did not know how to take care of myself because I spent most of my life taking care of others. My principles suggested that if I took care of them, they in turn would be responsible and take care of me.

That was confused thinking and in Al-Anon I discovered that I was responsible for taking care of myself. My all thoughts, my feelings, my responses, my life, were all in my hands to do with as I needed. Finding and relying on the tools of the program and HP was the most powerful gift I could have been given.

You are not alone in your feelings and I urge you to keep coming back. There is hope and help. You could also see a Dr. and have a checku p I am sure that would be beneficial as well.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

HI, I really get upset when people keep promoting this bottom.

The body requires a lot of water to maintain what is called Homeostasis. Where the brain, nerves, liver skin toes, veins everything is working in proper order. This is how people stay healthy. Eat right, drink water, rest, keep stress at a low. etc.

When the A drinks, it is poison to them. They are allergic to it. So everytime they take a swallow they are destroying delicate tissue inside and outside.

Some it takes longer than others some less time to destroy themselves. Bottom may never happen, bottom can be death. Some can live in the last stages of wet brain long into their eighties.

In saying that, that is what Al Anon is telling us. Stop watching what his disease is going to do. We have no control over that. No matter about the bottom, getting dui's, going to jail, going to prison, falling down stairs,wrecking cars etc. they have a disease, they will have it forever.

So we learn how to live with them just how they are, we come to Al Anon to learn how. How is to detach from their disease. Stop giving it any attention. Why bother, we cannot control or change it, it is not curable.

Lets say he gets a dui, wrecks the car, runs into someones house. Gets all banged up,loses his license, his job, his money,his health that he had left.

So he probably will drink or use again. The disease is powerful. It is everything to them, it is number ONE. Or lets say he finally feels he can go to detox, rehab, al anon, go on the program the rest of his life. That in itself is years of work on his part, plus they are not usuallly easy to live with then either as drinking is only ONE symptom of being born an A.

He will have this disease his whole life no matter what he does.

The good news is, if we work our program, go to meetings come here, read literature. Practice the detachment. For me that was loving him but not paying the disease any attention. He would be drunk but I didn't care anymore. The smell did not bug me, we sat and held hands. we ate together. slept in the same house.I learned to have things to do. I have animals to care for, love to read, sew garden, go for drives, play with my dogs, horses pigs. So when he got well meanish or too much a drag I just went and did my own thing. I just wanted him home with me. I enjoyed him as is.

It makes me sad when people have this notion ofhe or she, will hit bottom go to rehab and be them again. They will never be the same as when they were younger, they have destroyed things inside. Plus when they do get sober, even on program, all those things they did not have to deal with when they used, hit them all at once. deaths births, loss, the world. It has to be so overwhelming. And for the A they will crave to drink or use all the worse.

So we learn to make our life be ok to be able to live with them just how they are. We really have no right to change anyone.

I am dairy intolerant, possibly allergic to bovine anything. Now I crave dairy, all kinds. When I eat it or drink it I get very sick. If I was married, they might be bothered by my symptoms. Then nagging me, berating me, trying to educate me would make me not want to be around them. I don't want to be told what to do or how to live my life.

If I get sick enough I stop and clean up again. Can go for years, working hard to find alternatives so i don't crave it.

But again no one has the right to tell me what to do.

I was watching vampire diaries, I realized how much addicts are like how they portrayed vampires. One time they wanted to keep this one gal calm as he got off blood, becuz when she woke up and was clean she would have to face the death of her brother, her only family member left. I thought wow that i how i felt when I learned on of my AH's friends had died.I was so afraid to tell him. so he drank his way thru it.

then his dad died, then his brother, then another friend! That is not all. I saw him try to get back on program, he could not do it. As much as he wanted to, he couldn't. If they drink a tablespoon or a whole thing of vodka,does not matter. its poison to them.

It may be your depression is from wanting him to be ok so badly. I know I love and loved my ex ah so much. Of course we want them to feel good, be happy, healthy. It hurts to not be able to help them. How can I think of me when my mate is so miserable?

for me I got so tired of him never smiling, or laughing or being alive. He got so brain damaged he was dangerous. I could not live with him anymore.

sorry this is so long. I am doing my best to get down to the realness of it and not just quote things. This is why we must let go and let God. take our own inventory. live like we are single as best we can. don't sign on anything with them, don't share accounts. Anything that will cause problems or could, don't do. I

learned I could not think of my marriage like my parents or anyone in my family.

almost lost everything becuz I did. am still not living where I should be as all my retirement etc was taken away. Lost my vehicles, my perfect credit.

If you are married to an A and do not protect you, do for you, learn to live the program of recovery you set up to be ok, you will be so depressed, lost, confused,sick and more.

Don't give up, it can and will get better if you work the program. hugs!

Luiza · Senior Member

One day at a time, remember? It doesn't matter when he will find his bottom if ever. He could die before that, you could die before that. We don't know and can not control what will happen tomorrow, but how about today? How about now? I came to understand that even when they are dry they still have to do a lot of work on themselves otherwise they will still be difficult people to live with. The same for us. At my meeting yesterday there were so many adults talking about their A parents, you would think they should be over it by now but no, this disease affects everyone so badly. Let's concentrate on today, one day at a time, one minute at a time. I am saying this to myself too.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

I do know how you feel, the drinking can only be controlled for a brief period in my own experience then it progresses so its like playing the waiting game all over again. I think most people have a bottom or a point of surrendering themselves, whether that surrender gets a person into recovery or not is another matter but a surrender of ones own situation, unhappiness, mental health issue, negative thinking etc is quite an important concept to get your head around in Alanon and it helped me let go further of the alcoholics in my life. There is quite a lot of reading on it, the reading I have done though is mostly AA material on surrendering.

Before I came to Alanon I surrendered. I think in order to fully commit we all have to surrender, some people call this the bottom, I felt it and I have heard many people talk of their own bottom, especially in AA open meetings. People who have been sober for 20, 30 years all had a bottom, or a point of surrender.

For me, I recall the minute or second my bottom came and it had gradually built up. It was the point I realised that I didnt know how to make things better, I was depressed, deep in negative thinking, self pity, resentment and I couldnt see a way out, I felt like I had tried everything on my own that I could try, my will had never worked and my bottom was me finally realising that I needed help. I surrendered myself, my own solutions and I reached out. I went to Alanon with a very open mind, I had surrendered my own ideas of what to do about me and others. I had given up part of myself, my stubbornness, my ego that told me I had an answer if I looked hard enough, I could fix it all. Its when a person feels, enough is enough.

Theres no guarantee that a person will reach a bottom, there may be deeper underlying issues that prevents them from ever reaching a bottom. Its just a simple enough is enough and most people in recovery, committed to recovery have felt that way, again, its no guarantee that they wont convince themselves that their bottom wasnt that bad and off they go again. The success stories all have a bottom and a point of surrender because its the driving force thats why in Alanon we are told to get out the way, let them fall, dont help, mother, fix. Leave them to feel every single moment of the consequences for their own choices because it soon gets real for them, uncomfortable, so in theory and it does make sense for any human being really, they will have enough of the consequences. This is my take on things, please take what you like and leave the rest. Alanon is about us making our own minds up, I would read up on bottoms and surrender.x

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

((((Hugs)))) Cloudy skys,
Yes, I feel that way too from time to time.

I am trying to learn a new way of being. As Hotrod says, it is a big change going from being the helper to standing on our own two feet and seeking our own happiness. Without that seeking happiness element I am apt to fall into a bit of self pity. 'Why should I stand on my own two feet after all I've done for you kind of thinking', and that is unhelpful. In my experience it is tiring learning a new way of being. Mistakes are one of the ways that I learn. One of my mistakes is getting irritated when AH wants the same level of attention that he used to get because at the moment I am trying to retrain my brain not to think about him too much. I keep feeling interrupted on that one

I am used to a certain dynamic and it is difficult to avoid anticipating the return of that dynamic. For me, I'm afraid that I often expect something to go wrong, therefore I do not open up as much as AH and we would probably both like, and that can create anxiety. It is what it is. I'm not surprised by the feelings that I have. I would like to change them but it will take time and practise. I'm learning. I'm thankful for that.

yanksfan51 · ~*Service Worker*~

CS:

Hi, and yes as you can see many of us have felt just what you are feeling. Great for you to get to the meetings and it is totally normal to feel a wide range of emotions. What was helpful to me was to consider step one in terms of these feelings--accept that I am feeling down and not try to fix it other than to continue to do what is healthy and helpful for me: meetings, readings, sponsor, running, reading, breathing, eating well, etc.

The other thing that took me a while to realize is that when I took the focus off of my A I had a lot of energy to expend that I wasn't sure what to do with. There is a strange let-down in that, at least for me there was.

You are not alone--and the best thing is that you are taking care of yourself

(((((CS)))))

Mary

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I can remember a time when I had divorced my husband, sold my house because I couldn't afford it, moved into a low income project with my kids and then one day realized that I had paid off all debts, was out of an abusive situation, had found one job rather than three and was enjoying the rich gift of having genuine friends who loved and supported me and me them. I became very depressed and just sobbed and sobbed. I couldn't understand it. Nothing made any sense. I talked with my Mom who told me: "Honey, what you did is akin to climbing a mountain. All your effort was put into getting to the top of that mountain. Now that you are there, you're not sure where to go from here. You've reached your goal as difficult as that was for you to do. Now, its time to establish a new goal and put your energy into that. Shortly after that, my HP opened the doors to a whole new life for me in a brand new City with brand new people where I continued to be cherished and enjoyed while I raised my kids. Four years after that I became very depressed again because the job that I had loved had shifted and I was no longer happy in it. I grieved that and again a new door opened to me and I spent the next 27 years creating and facilitating an oasis in the desert for people going through hard times.
Hang on, sister, the depression is a normal part of grieving after climbing a mountain of your own. Just keep on putting one foot in front of the other every day, working the program and doing the next right thing for you seeking knowledge of your HP's will for you and the power to carry it out. You're on your way to new life.

cloudyskies · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you for all the replies. I think part of my problem has been a physical problem I have with my inner ear. Taking some meds for it and it seems better.

I think when most of us are talking about bottoms, we are meaning the point at which we cannot take any more. I have been to several AA open discussion meetings and speaker meetings where they(alcoholics) talk about that point at when they can no longer stand themselves and want to change.

I remember my bottom, and I have a poem I keep with me at all times as a constant reminder. I have a brother in law who is in the late stages of alcoholism and probably death will be his bottom.

I know my h has a life long disease, but I also know there is always hope for his recovery. However, I know there is nothing I can do to help him in this process until he's ready for that step. The best way I can help him is by taking care of myself.

God Bless you all.

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

(((CS))) I can relate. Sometimes we're under the demanding intensity and pressure that comes from the A for such a long duration that the minute we have a free moment, it all starts to process. Keep taking good care of you.

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

I totally agree with Debilyn. Wise advice. It's hard not to focus on the disease. But in al anon we learn to focus on ourselves. We have choices...we can live with the A or not. It's a choice.

NL14 · Veteran Member

I sometimes feel worse when things are actually going better with my AH. I think it's because when he's drinking or doing something that shows his various disease-related "isms" I have something to react against, and when he's being self-aware or we're getting along well I feel helpless. It sounds odd, I know, but it's true. I want justification for my anger and my resentment, and I want his actions to force me into action. And when that doesn't happen, I feel afraid and hopeless. I have to look at my own feelings, and get strong enough to let my own wants, needs, values, beliefs, etc. guide me, and to be important enough to be the movers in my life. But that's hard when you're used to subjugating yourself to someone else. Al-anon is really helping me with those tendencies. It's really about self-love...and that can be a hard habit to acquire. Best of luck to you, and keep coming back!

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