The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
On Friday my daughter went to MIL's house for the weekend so I took her to MIL's workplace at the end of the day to hand her over at 5:30 pm. I knew there was a meeting at 7:30 close there so I waited in a nearby park until was time to go to the meeting. When I went to the place I could see people standing outside, only 4 men, it was already time to go in and started to rain, I didn't have an umbrella and no one was opening the gates/going in, so I just walked past and didn't go. I was feeling so shy, standing there with strangers under the rain, I was worried they would make conversation/ask questions...I don't know. I was expecting to just get in a room, sit and listen not to stand around outside, I know it is silly, and I was angry at myself that after waiting that long, I couldn't just bring myself in. I wasn't happy.
So started to make my way back home and the travel was slow, disruptions on the underground lines, lots of people etc, I was wet, cold and tired. And angry with myself I didn't go into the meeting. But I tried to be positive thinking that things are not too bad at the moment, H is drinking at home and not going to the bar anymore, we are not fighting and we even managed to go through a whole wedding without any problems at all. I was wondering if he would be back home once I got there, so we could maybe talk without be interrupted by daughter or watch a movie, whatever.
Guess what? He wasn't there. But I knew he was supposed to finish work early. Maybe he had to stay in and work more? He isn't going to the bar anymore...
I did stuff to distract myself as I got even more angrier at myself I did not go inside the meeting and now I was alone in my home wondering about the probability of my H be at the bar. Al_Anon is not for him is for ME. It doesn't matter if he went to the bar or not. The meeting was for me. And I can tell you, I really needed it!
He came back home short after me and as soon as he stepped in I knew it. He had been drinking at the bar and I wasn't feeling good about myself. My daughter wasn't at home....you get the picture.
He was kind of ok actually, happy and cheerful, asking me about my day and asking about myself and my face was turing even more sour. I tried to talk about serious stuff like finances and our family holiday but he obviously was unable to follow and have an satisfactory adult conversation. I wasn't happy. When he finally asked if I was ok and what was wrong one too many times, I just let loose and I told him everything. And no, I wasn't kind. I was mean. And I deliberately wanted him to get angry, to shout, swear and suffer while I kept calm and collected and used 'scientific' language to explain the damage of alcohol in his body and how it is genetic and he GOT this problem whereas I don't, and how daughter could well have it too (alcoholism in both sides of the family) and how he was normalising drinking to her etc.
I was a monster and I wanted him to feel bad about himself and I wanted to feel good about myself so I kept put him down, which is really easy as his brain is compromised and he doesn't talk sense so he gives me a lot of material to play with.
On the following day he leaves to work before me, we both have a long day at work, finishing at 10/11pm in the night. We call each other in the morning for apologies and wish a good day at work and I think everything is fine.
When I get home at 11:30 pm his is standing at the main gates of our block of apartments. Drunk and crying. His electronic key is not working and he can't get in. He was repeatedly calling our flat on intercom in the hope I was in (but never called my phone for some reason..). So we get in, go upstairs and he goes to the balcony to smoke and starts crying and sobbing and talking to himself. I get ready to bed while he is smoking and then go take him out of the balcony, I am worried about the neighbours hearing him. Once inside I try to help him, tell him to put his pyjamas on and drink water/calm down/go to sleep but he tells me 'not to tell him what to do', so I go to bed and leave him to sob and cry alone. He keeps going in and out of the balcony and repeating to himself that 'he can't do it' / 'he isn't strong enough. Next minute he says 'he can do it/he is strong.
He comes to the bedroom saying he is having a nervous breakdown and doesn't know what to do. I keep silent. He ask me to say something and the only thing I say is that we will easily replace his broken key.
So for a long time he keeps repeating he is having a breaking down, he can/can't do it and he is/isn't strong...and I can't go to sleep and I wonder if I should call the police or ambulance.
So all goes quiet and I am sure he is passed out on the sofa. I get up to put lights off and he is on his phone actually. So I just get back to bed and feel relaxed to finally go to sleep now until he starts sobbing again. Then he goes brush his teeth, put lights off and get in bed. So I think it wasn't a breakdown after all.
One thing that strikes me is that on both nights he told me he was behaving the way he was because he knew daughter wasn't at home. So he knows what he is doing and can actually control himself? Interesting....
So, today is Sunday and PIL's will bring daughter back in the afternoon. We are also supposed to discuss our summer holidays. They are all happy and excited and I really don't know how to manage it, because I will answer any question with the absolute truth.
-Are you excited Luiza?
- No.
-Why?
- I am really worried about spending 7 days abroad with alcoholic husband and you lot enabling his drinking and thinking everything is fine. Is just on the holidays. Well it is not just on the holidays. He drinks and get drunk every day of the week. On holidays he will just drink even more. And I work hard to save and be frugal while he buys alcohol, alcohol and more alcohol. And I won't live my life like this forever, Expect our divorce soon.
Can I really say that? And in front of H and daughter too? I think I will.
Then I will be the wicked witch and the big bad wold for busting their bubble a week before a family holiday.
As for me, will try and go to as many meetings as I can this week. H has the whole month off work starting from today, so I ca go to any meetings I want to. Specially the first and only one I went before and felt welcome. The only problem is leaving daughter with him, but I have no other choice.
-- Edited by Luiza on Sunday 10th of August 2014 04:56:48 AM
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Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must but take the step.
Hi luiza, you just described a typical period in my past life with my ex ah too. Its madness, the whole lot of it and all the players in it. Im so glad you are determined to go to meetings, forgive yourself for not attending that meeting, it will come and you will walk in the doors of any meeting, it just takes a little bit of time.
I understand the frustratiin and the tantrums and its progress that you can see your own part and own it. Before alanon I was laways the innocent hard done by victim, I couldnt see my part, I justified my own bad behaviour by saying well I wouldnt have done/said that if he hadnt have done that. Working the program every day will free you from a lot of this pain and confusion. The daiky readers, meetings, learn and memorise the slogans and cling to them.x
It is just so sad. Two whole nights without daughter at home and this is what happens.
This isn't the marriage I wanted.
I just need to sort myself financially and get out. People will never be on my side and I will have problems with letting daughter having visit days with her drunk dad but I really don't want to live like this.
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Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must but take the step.
So sorry Luiza. I understand. One time when I was at the hospital with my AH due to alcohol overdose, he kept repeating "I'm scared" over and over. It was awful. These are sick people. It's scary for me!! Let alone him! I think the worst part in all of this is that we...the sober people...remember their awful behavior. They probably don't remember it like we do, so we become angry and resentful. I have had many sleepless nights due to his behavior. Now that I don't live with him I sleep better. Always something for me to worry about, but I sleep better without him in the same home.
I had to go to my AH's family. I was sure he would die when he was in the hospital so I wanted them to know beforehand how bad his drinking was so they would be somewhat prepared. I am glad I told them. I think it might be better for you to talk to his parents privately if you need to. That way your daughter doesn't have to be in the middle.
Strength and support to you. We have been there in the insanity you described. Don't beat yourself up about not attending that one meeting--aren't we so lucky that there are meetings nearly everywhere and on a daily basis? Good for YOU to go to them. It doesn't surprise me that your Hs alcoholic behavior was amped up while your daughter was out of the house--his disease knew you would be able to give it undivided attention that way!
You are not alone--living with the chaos of this disease is exhausting. Sending you prayers and support and good for you to know that we are here w you and the program is there for you and your life.
Luiza Thank you for your honesty. I have been there and so understand. You deserve so much support and I do hope you can find a meeting and attend.
Search your heart, pray on the situation and trust your inner voice.
I'm sorry you missed your meeting. I remember having that awkward feeling too when I wasn't sure where exactly the meeting was in a building. I felt so beaten down from my circumstances I didn't want to talk to anyone I saw around the meeting place to ask where the meeting was. I left and whet shopping instead and obsessed about things the whole time and felt badly about myself for not going to the meeting. There was no reason to beat myself up that way for not going. There's always another meeting and chance to go inside and join. When things aren't going well, I can still have a tendency to project about the future and catastrophsize. I can begin to have expectations about all the possible things that can go wrong rather than things that can go well. Of course this is "stinking thinking." There's so much I have no control over but if I miss my Alanon meeting, there's always my sponsor to call, my little Alanon books to read to help me find emotional balance and my higher power to lean on.
Alcoholism is a "cunning and baffling" disease. It can be extremely difficult to separate the person from the disease of alcoholism when they are under the influence of it. Sometimes we use the term "It's the disease talking," in Alanon. It can be so very hard to know what to do if anything at all during those times. I can empathize concerning your husband's meltdown. I experienced those situations with my ex. The trust was so broken between us, I couldn't determine a real emergency from an imagined one. It's a tough place to be.
As far as your upcoming holiday, I hope you have a good time. The Alanon program can help you plan for serenity on that trip. You have the Alanon program, awareness and desire to be happy despite his drinking or his family's enabling him. My favorite slogan in Alanon is Let It Begin With Me. That can be worked in so many good ways starting with my attitude. I hope you have some wonderful moments on that trip.
Sending you prayers for clarity concerning the bigger life decisions. TT
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Sunday 10th of August 2014 09:33:09 AM
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
I remember that awful feeling of not being able to find the right meeting too. Somehow they're always in churches with lots of confusing hallways and dark rooms and locked entrances. I remember wandering around a church forlornly once and finally finding a meeting and saying "Is this Al-Alon?" and they said something like "No, this is the Church Volunteer Committee" and I wished I could sink into a hole in the ground. So inspiring that you got back to a meeting after that discouraging try!
