The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I haven't been to a meeting for over 2 weeks, and I have been on vacation. My AH is not drinking, is attending meetings, although he didn't while we were gone either, so maybe I'm stressing a bit related to that as well. But my biggest stress is that I just don't want to go back to work. My co-worker/boss is like an alcoholic for me. I suspect he is one. But the thought of having to go back and take orders from him is stressing me so much, I just want to quit! ANd I know that that is illogical, but I can't get my thoughts to shut down. I realized too late that the online meeting was going, so I joined it for about 10 minutes, but now there is no meeting until tomorrow. I just need to shut down my head and get present but I feel as though I am losing it, going crazy, something! I don't know if I'm having a mental breakdown, or if I am just too much in my own head with my own self-doubts, etc. I just don't know how to turn it off. My daughter is sick, I think it's food poisoning. I'm trying to take care of her. She starts school on Wednesday. I have 3 job applications in different stages of progress, with an interview at the end of this week or early next week. I'm doing what I need to do. I just need to take care of me and settle down. So I'm looking for some support, suggestions, thoughts until I can get to a f2f meeting tomorrow, although I will go online in the morning meeting.
Lisa: Just a suggestion here that works for me. It's called hot penning. Rather than trying to juggle all the thoughts in your head, put pen to paper and let your hand write out everything it wants to put on paper. Don't edit anything. Don't worry about punctuation, sentence structure or anything like that. Just write until your hand stops.
Generally, when I'm going too much in my head, its because I'm trying to avoid my feelings - part of our disease. Another thing that helps me is to write out how I am feeling - and again I don't edit, censure or worry about content, structure, spelling, punctuation. I just ask the question on paper, how am I feeling right now and then let my hand go. In this way, I can get a clearer picture of what is bothering me, what I'm trying to avoid, what I can drop and what I can do to help myself with whatever is troubling me at the time.
I find any kind of change extremely stressful. I tend to build things up in my mind as well. when I get to my crazy anxiety levels where I cycle my thoughts and I feel I am having a panic attack I call up one of my best friends so that she can help to level me out and talk a little sense into me. Gratefultobe had a great suggestion to write things down.
It is understandable you don't want to take orders from this person. Perhaps this person is an extension of your AH and you are putting old resentment and bitterness onto him. Who really knows if he is an alcoholic, but I do the same thing I swear I can tell who is/ isn't an alcoholic, but I remind myself it is none of my business. neither do I want it to be my business! :) But when I catch myself jumping to this conclusion about someone I instantly develop a disrespect and resentment towards them. It isn't right or kind but it is what I do sometimes.
Try to put it out of your mind and force yourself to think kind thoughts about him. Better yet when you feel yourself thinking too much about your boss try to think about YOU. Even if it is just thinking about what nail polish colour you're going to wear to your future interview, it is better than thinking about this person at work. I hope you find a new job you enjoy, applying for jobs is extremely stressful good luck :)
One day at a time. You only need to deal with this day, this one hour. Think about what your doing right now, thats all you need to do right now.serenity prayer helps too, as does the just for today card.x
Thank you so much for the support. I didn't think about hot penning it. That was a good suggestion. I have a journal tucked away that I can use for that. I will bring it out for the next few weeks, as I go through this process. And what a great suggestion to change and think about myself instead of him. Whether or not he is an alcoholic, he exhibits those behaviors, and this is where it is important that I put my al anon to use. Thank you for that. And believe me, el-cee...the serenity prayer goes through my mind often, I just need to listen to that, not the other junk. My meeting is starting, so glad to be back!
