Maybe the consequences of addiction are poor health, and those consequences might lead him to consider recovery ... who knows?

What I see is that you're worried about him again who is worried about you?  Your happiness, your serenity? 

There's also the fact that sometimes we're addicted to worry and anxiety.  I hear lots of things that you're worrying about: this other woman he might be in contact with, possible arrest, his health... 

I am reminded of the saying that "Overfocusing on one thing is a way of underfocusing on something else."  Is there something that is too painful to think about?  Your past, traumas, your future, your foot, your pain?  The trouble is that we can't move ahead until we can face our situation squarely.

Meetings?

I agree with the others - please try to make time to focus on you if you can.

It could just be a bit of gentle yoga for half and hour, or even just ten minutes of sitting still. Gift yourself some time when you focus only on your body, what it feels like and listen to the noises going on around you. I usually last about thirty seconds before some thought or other crops up, but that is ok. I just say 'hello' to that thought, focus on it, and let it fade away. I let it go and then I go back to giving my attention to the space in my body for another thirty seconds or so.

In my experience alcoholics do a good job of keeping everyone's focus on them and that means that they are consuming not only their own lives but also the lives of others as well. I describe living with AH as being like living next to a black hole. Sometimes I don't even get the time to string two spontaneous thoughts together. Sometimes that is my own fault because I have allowed my mind to be sucked into the black hole where only problems and anxiety whirl and thrash. There is so much more to life than that.

It is, for me, so important to be able to break out of that orbit, even if it is only for an afternoon, so that I can centre myself and start being aware of myself again. Spending time with children or animals has a similar calming effect for me.

LookingUp, I really feel for you when I read your posts.
It sounds like you really, really want to be free from the obsession and pain but your heart just won't do what your head is telling it to. Maybe I am wrong but that's how I read what you say, because that's how it was for me for ages too. My ABF was treating me like garbage but no matter how much I understood and analysed and tried to be detached and move forward, my emotions were still running the show and all they cared about was HIM HIM HIM, and the moment I sensed that he was not fixating on me too, I would panic and make myself ill and start obsessing again.
I felt that I couldn't and would never get better and I felt quite ashamed and sad about it.

I know you have said you are doing meetings etc, it got better for me when I first started doing the steps in a very serious way and spending a couple of hours a day on serious step-work. I didn't have to change anything then and there, or let go of him or do anything drastic, but because I KNEW I was quite sick and quite obsessed, I knew I had to at least give myself that much so I just spent a couple of hours every single day working the steps, by myself at first and then with a sponsor, and after a little while I started to heal. All that mattered was that for a couple of hours a day, I thought about me and how I was experiencing life, and not him. He wasn't going anywhere, after all. I still had 22 hours a day to obsess about HIM.

I don't know if this is a good 'al-anon" piece of advice but at first, because I couldn't let go of wanting ABF to love and want me, I told myself that I was doing this work to make myself stronger and therefore more attractive to him. I knew that this wasn't the healthy al-anon way to think but deep down I also knew, I was doing it for myself more than anything. It was a useful lie I told myself, a sort of "fake it till you make it" thing. The funny thing was, the more I worked it and focused on me, the more attractive I DID seem to become to him, lol. And the less interested I became in him too.

I feel SO MUCH BETTER now, LookingUp and I don't feel like I am a slave to ABF or his fickle emotions anymore. I swear I so relate to how you are feeling when I read your posts, so don't give up and don't feel like you have to make some grand change all of a sudden, that was what held me back for so long. When I started just making a couple of hours a day about ME ME ME, who am I, what have I experienced, etc...everything just started to slide into place. I know it can for you too!!

Big hugs to you. I know you can feel better and you don't have to do the impossible! Big changes happen one little step at a time.

-- Edited by missmeliss on Saturday 9th of August 2014 10:07:23 AM

I was afraid of talking to anyone for the very same reason.
But I did, eventually, ABF hit me and terrorised me one night and I ended up talking to people and guess what?
I didn't get put in the "nut hut". (lol, never heard that description before). I received a lot of kindness and support and caring and it made me feel stronger.
You aren't nuts, you're struggling with a difficult situation and trying to live with someone who probably should be in the "nut hut" (still giggling, sorry, it's a funny term).
The point is, YOU are the one seeking help and trying to find a way to cope and be well. That will be obvious to any decent counselor.
In 2014 I'm pretty sure women don't get locked away for being codependent and trying to love an addict, and then trying to seek help for it.
More than pretty sure, in fact I am certain of it.

-- Edited by missmeliss on Saturday 9th of August 2014 10:21:25 AM