The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
AH has made my decision of whether or not to stay very easy the last couple of weeks. I've also noticed more how much his personality is changed, he doesn't play with the kids the way he used to, he is not the man I married and it is really hard to accept that. In one discussion he was of course saying he needs just 1 more chance to prove to me (already blown it) but I also asked if he thought about ways to win me back or show he cared and he said he didn't know how. Sorry but saying something nice doesn't take all that much! Tonight he wanted to hug me, he smelled of whiskey but would deny if asked of course, and started to rub my back before I pulled away. If he was sober it would have felt wonderful, so many times I've wanted a hug or anything but it seems fake when he's been drinking. He seemed sad when i pulled away, I feel really cold for not feeling much of anything.... Been sad for too long maybe I just don't feel anything for him? I feel ugly and fat and unwanted.
my counselor suggested a mediator to draw up a visitation arrangement which would be supervised visits only. I hope my documentation is enough, I called and she is out until next week but hopefully she will be willing to do this - her website mainly talked about divorce so not sure if separation is different.... Without the third party I imagine each visit being a discussion of how he can be trusted, blah blah blah and of course would be in front of the kids, hopefully this will stop that from happening.
Ive also realized over the past couple of weeks that though I may be sure of my decision and know it is the best thing for my kids it is going to be REALLY hard! I'm trying to face the fears but reality is I'm separating from my husband, we've been together almost 18 years, hopes and dreams for how kids would grow up and what we'd be able to provide for them is gone. in many ways it would be easier to stay, I am very fortunate that my AH is not abusive and things could be a lot worse as they have been in the past, hes "controlling" the drinking so isn't stumbling drunk when he does, but that would be surviving and it tires me out to not react to the drinking and deciding when to step in when he is talking to kids when drinking, I want more for myself and kids. I think to myself my security will be gone but really nothing with an A is secure. The unknown is scary but I have hope that once past this side of the huge mountain it will be better, and I can provide security for my kids and we can be happy.
Im so grateful to have been told (really got lucky with our counselor) to go to alanon and that I found this site, just knowing I wasn't alone or crazy was and is such a relief!! Thanks for allowing me to ramble my thoughts
I understand how you feel. I couldnt bare to be touched by a drunk person either, it was fake to me too, fake affection dished out during fake consciousness. When I left my ex I had no recovery so my decision was made by a me who was immature, impulsive, irresponsible in many ways. I just did it, I knew that no matter what living with him was the hardest part, leaving had to be easier. In some ways it was, I felt free immediately, I rented accommodation for me and my sons and the atmosphere was instantly calmer. It was better in many ways but my sons both played me up until I got alanon then everything improved, I stopped putting up with bad behaviour from everyone in my life including myself.
Leaving was the best thing for me, the way I left maybe not ideal but the leaving had to be done for everyone, including him and the kids. I love my life right now, its not perfect, my kids have isms that I hope they will get recovery for one day, its their business. My business is filling my days with good thoughts and a good attitude.
I can relate to so much of what you wrote. You are not alone! Yes it is difficult, even when you know the decision is right for you. I will never forget hearing for the first time :'living with an active alcoholic is too much for most of us without help' (or something like that! forgive the paraphrase). It was such a relief to know that other people have had struggles in this as well. What became to clear to me at one point was, so much had happened, there had been so much history, that even if my now exH had gotten serious about recovery, I knew we needed time apart. That hasn't happened yet for him, and he has now been out of the house for going on a year and a half. Am I sad about it? Sometimes! Do I know the decision was right? Yes.
This is the long version of me saying we are all here with you.
In the one aspect, I feel alone. My AH never initiated any "closeness" but would always say, "Why don't you touch me?" I always did all the touching until I just lost any feeling to do so. Even when I would hug him or hold his hand, etc., he would say, "Why don't you ever touch me, I love when you touch me?"
I thought, Well, this is me touching you. Shut up! And reciprocate once in awhile.
We have to get our true love from our HP. Even the best spouse cannot fill that hole in us.
When I am asked, "How do you do it?" My only response is, "if not for the grace of God." And that is so true.
Kerrymom, you said something that I really needed to hear today: the fact that living with an A is always insecure. I needed to hear that because I have decisions to make, as well, and I guess I needed to be reminded that financial blessings can be taken away at any given moment and that jobs are not guaranteed. I mean, what would I do if he lost his job, right?
Anyway, you are not alone, that's for sure! I've been married 19 years to this man. He's not the same man I married, but I'm not the same woman either. I've learned, I've grown, I've found a way to find serenity at times where before I only found chaos and despair. Sending you light and love and hugs today!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
