I am so done, but I have so much fear - Al-Anon Family Group

andromeda · ~*Service Worker*~

I am so done, but I have so much fear

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Your AH would also have to provide for his son. This is not all on you, Andromeda. Courage to change the things we can can include asking our HP to remove our fear and give us the power we need to take the next right step for our lives. No Mom wants their kids struggling. My Mom also thought I should live with my spouse for the money he provided. By the time my x died, he was thousands of dollars in debt, thousands of dollars in arrears in child support and lived sparsely. Had I listened to my Mom's counsel on this one, I wouldn't be writing to you today. She was wrong about what I should do. I knew what I should do and could do. It wasn't easy. It wasn't what I wanted. It was what I needed to do for me and for our kids. We are not the only resources our kids have nor are our spouses the only means of support we have. Our HP is the Source of all that we need and will provide for us and for our children what is needed one day at a time.

sunrise2014 · Veteran Member

I don't know if this is possible for you, but when I wanted change and I needed to consider financial means, I learned to simplify my life. What are my basic needs and how can I alone achieve them if I have to? What costs can I trim? Even, what can I sell in order to gain independence? I've even gotten a second job (temporarily) just to catch up. It showed me how very capable I was and determined I was to stand in my own two feet. It was then that I felt comfortable being able to separate from my AH if Zi needed to. When you crave change, and look/listen for the signs your HP provides, and follow, despite the fear, it will lead you to a good place.

Nightwind · Member

I grew up in an addicted dysfunctional home. My Mother was always afraid. I see know my Father's critical tyrannical control (and his addictions) were fear based because he grew up in dysfunction and my Mom was the child and twin sister of an alcoholic. I ran away the first time when I was 11 years old. I was so unhappy, all six of us were. Now we are all adults and each of us has issues with self-esteem, addiction, co-dependancy, depression, anxiety. I used to pray my mother would leave my father. We were all deeply unhappy, afraid, stressed, and lived with a lot of mixed messages and confusion. My Mother never left my Dad and spend decades of her life in clinical depression. My Dad killed himself 3 years ago. I always picked alcoholic men and always stayed with them longer than I should have. I know now I was re-creating what I had grown up with. My Mom or Dad did not find the tools to deal with this disease. We have a choice....

Jen61 · ~*Service Worker*~

If you do split up maybe there would be some financial aid through your state for your son. You could start calling now to see if it is out there. Good luck.

Jen61 · ~*Service Worker*~

Maybe even social security disability for your son. I think social security looks at how many people in the family and the income.

Kelly123 · Veteran Member

If you were thinking about leaving maybes map out a plan and include potential dates as to when you might leave and all costs including. bills, renting or buying a new place , realtor fees, various academic options and costs for your son etc. Write down emotional pros and cons. Take a cold hard look at the facts and then decide what is best.

With your son going through learning difficulties , and then adding a separation to his life may prove to be unstable for him and his studies may suffer further. I don't know how old your son is. My parents divorced when I was 14 and it was extremely hard for me. I was angry about the divorce and the financial hardships it brought along with it, and I acted out a lot and started doing very poorly at school. There were less adults around which equaled to less supervision. It was not good and I got into a lot of trouble and started hanging out with the wrong crowd. Not that your son would be like me there are lots of kids who adjust just fine to divorce but i was not one of them. I am just being devils advocate. Best of luck to you andromeda

Kerrymom · Senior Member

I so understand the conflict you feel! Has your son expressed any feelings about this? Have you noticed changes in his anxiety or Tourette's symptoms if your AH or you two are away from him for a few days? I've been leaving more for few days at a time and am amazed at how my body responds when we are back, I didn't recognize the physical symptoms I was having and can also see changes in the kids. It would be difficult wondering if the assistance you finally found and is working for your son would be available - your AH would be required to pay support but have you looked into reduced tuition or assistance? The private schools I've known of (I'm a special ed teacher) do have support available or sometimes the resident school district has to pay for all or part of tuition if they can't provide the necessary services. Just some thoughts:) you DO have the courage to change, seems you're building it up!

Oh - also wanted to say it's also easy for someone to say not to leave, it's better to stay when they don't have to live there with an AH!

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Your son's difficulty this week with the Tourette's has been on my mind, Bonnie. I researched it on-line since I only know what the symptoms for it are but not much else. I was heartened to read that most young people grow out of the tics by their late teens or early 20s. I didn't know that this was something that most young people outgrow. He is in my prayers for release from this very difficult experience sooner rather than later and special blessings for him, too. Many prayers for you and his Dad, too.

blessed · Senior Member

Our lives are complicated, aren't they? And unfortunately we need money to make it in this world. How much? Well, that all depends. The saying, "Money doesn't buy happiness" is so true. We are not wealthy but we are comfortable and don't worry about day-to-day expenses. I am choosing to give up that "security" for some peace of mind & some serenity.

I don't want to discourage you; but am speaking from experience. For 6 years we had 2 foster kids in our home that we adopted. They had more issues than I can print here. The only help we got was from Medicaid and that was a joke. Oh, they got SSI ($30 per month each). The most they would get from SSI if they had no other source of income was $700/month. Certainly couldn't touch their $40,000/mo bill at the hospital they were assigned to every time they were admitted. Getting help from the state is a full time job, and doesn't reap much. Just want to give you a real picture of what "help" looks like. I went all the way to my Congressman for help; and got help moving up the line of paperwork, but no more $.

I would think that your husband would be obligated to half of all medical bills. And unless a doctor said tennis was necessary he would have to volunteer to help w/ that.

My AH was all "cooperative" a week ago until he got served, and now he is going back on what he said he would do verbally, and mad as hell. He keeps saying, "this could be easy" but that is if I give up what is rightfully mine. He does NOT want to pay alimony; but this state requires it. It is non-negotiable. They take into consideration that the 14 years I stayed home, he finished college, built his career, and doubled his salary. And my earning capacity went down as I took myself out of the workforce for 14 years, and am now almost 51 years of age. Will I need more education to get a job that pays the bills? Possibly.

These are all big decisions, but you don't have to make them all today. We are not to give advice, but I will break that rule, a little, and highly recommned you pay an hour consultation fee, speak to a GOOD attorney and find out what is realistic, and what is hearsay. That was the smartest thing I did as everyone that knew my situation was saying, "do this and that" and most of those things were not what happens in court. Arguments, hearsay, etc. doesn't get to court. And you will hear, "get your name off of everything." Doesn't matter. Married is married. If either of you incur debt, it is 50/50. All income is 50/50 within the dates you were married.

Take it slow. Breath. And know you are not alone. Put your thoughts on here anytime; it does help to see it in print. Many of us have been through this, are going through it; or are considering going through it. You will be okay. Hang on to your HP for support.

(((((hugs)))))

WorkingThroughIt · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi andromeda.
I did the original 12 Steps in AAs Big Book (viewing it from the Alanon perspective it's the exact same disease with some different symptoms.) when I was halfway through my 9th step the promise that we will lose our fear of economic insecurity came true.
I may not have enough, but I'm not afraid.
THAT is really what 12-step recovery has to offer.

andromeda · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you everyone! Lots of questions, luckily I am getting together with my sponsor today so I'm hoping she can help me think through this. My AH sent me an email last night and said "we need to talk" so we are meeting tomorrow AM bright and early. I have a feeling that he is looking for a separation that is more permanent than what we have in our home right now. Of course, I had asked for a separation last October and got nowhere with him because he plays games and manipulate things, so we'll see how things go. I am not looking forward to talking to him because it requires so much emotional energy from me. Yet, I know it needs to be done.

I have met with an attorney on and off and found a woman whom I really like, she is pro-homeschooling and pro-fight for the kids with learning disabilities. Apparently, her parents were lawyers in MA and her brother had serious LD's and they actually took the school district to court to get them to pay for his services. I know she'd fight for me to get what's right for my son.

Honestly, I am not worried about the finances for the first 12-18 months because we do have a little bit of savings. It's after that(when the savings are drained), that worries me. My son will be a sophomore this year and I think I can homeschool him on a tight budget for at least this next year or so. My son's emotional issues are very difficult to deal with at times; he's a great kid and he is my sidekick, LOL, but he also loves his father and I know that whatever happens will be emotionally hard on him. When my dad died, my son's social anxiety flared up so badly and he would throw up in restaurants or be in tears just sitting in a public place. I am thinking of finding a counselor for him. He's been to counseling on and off over the years but I need to find someone new at this point. The tennis is a HUGE outlet for my son and I feel that it's of extreme importance that he keeps it up. Tennis is where his friends are, tennis is where he gets to compete and get out energy and endorphins, etc.

There are days where I boost myself up and am very positive about my ability to juggle all the balls in the air including going back to work, and there are other days where I am fixated in fear and self-doubt. No matter what happens, I know I have my HP to guide me.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

The only way I could manage being on my own on a shoestring budget was Step 3, Step 11 and staying in the day. If I remembered what I had once with my x in terms of material things or if I saw myself pushing a shopping cart with my children in it, I'd terrorize myself. Focusing on the words of the Lord's Prayer that we say in our meetings helped as did the reminder that my HP would do for me and my kids what I couldn't do and that was always, always true. There were times I didn't know what we were going to eat, how I was going to pay the car insurance or the mortgage or the rent and out of the blue, when I knew I was doing the best I could with what I had to work with and had reached the limit of my own resources, HP would step in in ways that floored me, amazed me, delighted and awed me. Step 3 and Step 11 daily helped me remember I was not alone and that a power greater than me, my circumstances and fear was always there ready and able to step in with a $50 bill slipped into my hand, or a person with a winter coat showing up for me out of the blue, or friends coming to my door with bags of groceries. I knew it was my HP because I never, ever shared with anybody just how bad my finances were at the time or how close to the edge my family and I lived.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 9th of August 2014 02:23:51 PM

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I had to change my lifestyle a bit when I left my exAH and well we have survived and well living in an apartment and losing the farm, horses and all the rest is worth the ability to be happy everyday. So I am putting myself through nursing school and we have more bills than money, we are making it and more than surviving and that was all we were doing before. Sending you love and support!

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Most things like his tennis offer scholarships. Yes you need respite too if you homeschool. Lots of great ideas on here. He must be on ssi right?

remember do what you can each day, then rest play read whatever. looking so far ahead is a waste of time. You will be find as you will make sure you and kiddo are fine. Just how you are.

He needs to go thru lifes challenges like everyone else to know he does not have to be that scared. He may take this having parents who do not live together better than losing gpa.

Maybe say it like that that you and daddy will both have a home for him now. that you will both will be with him even more. Which if he is a good dad, its true.

Honestly it will all be ok. People get ac's in windows, empty pool till its affordable to fix. people live with out pools. Go get a pool you set up for now. those are options.

I learned to always wash in cold, hang my cloths, I only have the stuff I need and a few wants. I love living frugal. I used to have all the decor and fancy stuff. I love living like this. Now I have my country home and my lovely animals. Have a nice dependable p up, have comfy things, only what I need.

Believe me you can make a fun, beautiful home for you and son. Your thinking on how much you can spend can probably go so much farther than you realize. GEt one good car and pay it off. Get rid of credit cards. so man y things you can do!

Your son will be fine if you are. I worked with darling sp needs people. I love how they figure out how to meet their challenges and amaze us all. There are camps for kids who will have a budi with them for sp needs kids. any kind of need, even just as a friend.

again scholarships, shoot there are tutors for math for petes sake. Part of my career was evaluating and figuring out how each kiddo learned. I set up programs for them. that is all he needs a good tutor.

hugs honey, I am waiting to see your miracles unfold,you have lots ofem coming!!!

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Your son will have to start learning to sacrifice and integrate more soon anyhow. It will be hard, but maybe it's time to let go of the AH so you can also let go of your son a bit. Who is to say that the challenges your son might face will not make him stronger? Your son is also smart enough to know you and his father do not have a good marriage. Your son will need to start fighting for his own needs as a person with Tourette's. Trust God!

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

Sending love and support .. you will know when you know. Lots of great posts and ideas to think about, maybe you just need some time to adjust to a new way of thinking?

Hugs S :)

tiredtonite · Veteran Member

You have been thinking about a lot and trying to plan financially. That's mature and much better than denying the issues and hoping they'll magically go away. My experience has been that I need to separate out first priorities and what things can wait. I've also learned to my surprise lol that I'm not making all the decisions. My hp will sometimes throw obstacles in my path because my will doesn't align with my hp's. Your son is a very important priority of course. You want the best for him, you're a good mom. Your life and personal happiness is important too. The serenity prayer has helped me with inventorying and and keeping things simple. I hope posting about it helped for organizing your thought process and determining what changes you'd like to make financially one day at a time. Thanks for sharing. TT

Umbra · Member

I've never posted here. I haven't even been to a meeting yet. I have heard of Al Anon thru friends, and wanted to learn more. To read this post and realize someone is going thru almost the exact same thing as me is so humbling. I'm at a total loss of what to do personally, and though I don't have children, The fear of going it alone is terrifying. The what ifs that go thru my head on a daily basis are driving me nuts! Thank you for sharing. I'm praying that everything works out for you.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

SUmbra Welcome I suggest that you introduce yourself to the Board by starting a new topic. Many will welcome you an make you feel part of the MIP family Just click on the top right " Start a new topic" and you are on your way

GeorgiaWife14 · Newbie

Andromeda,
I understand the financial fear. My AH did the "I can do it without help" approach for many years. I began seperating our finances. I continued to be there for him through a hospitilation in 2011 with the promise he would continue sobriety working the program. I told him I would not go through that again- I grew up in an alcoholic home and was determined not to live my mother's life, financially dependent on my AH. Last summer I thought I was seeing the signs he was drinking again. I began squirreling away money. As the months went by and I believed in my heart he was drinking I created a budget for myself. It came to a huge situation in April. He works out of town and threatened to kill himself when I pressed the question of what was he hiding. Needless to say he was sticking drunk and taken away to the hospital foe a psych hold and detox. I had and still do have fear of financially being able to make it but my sanity and happiness is worth the risk. I filed for divorce in April received the final decree last week. I am working on an emotional and financial road map, it's tough but needed to happen.

Keep coming here, great support can be found here. If you choose to leave your AH tell your lawyer everything. We spend years with an alcoholic hiding their disease and the symptoms of it being told it is our fault. I am still struggling with that, thinking what did I do wrong to cause this and have I abandoned him when he needs help.

andromeda · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to Umbra and GeorgiaWife!!! I am so grateful that these boards provide not only an outlet for me but others who are suffering as well. What I love about our boards also, is that we are here to offer our ESH but to also share our pain and struggles. Although I am not happy about where I am in life, I know that my story is like so many others.

Update to all: My AH cancelled the meeting he wanted with me after he came home from a meeting, guess something is sinking in with program. I met with my sponsor for a very long time on Saturday and she helped me decided that it's ok for me to take my time and for me to keep working on getting my ducks in a row.

For what it's worth: I've been socking away small amounts of money here and there through the past 3 years: it's not much but it's a good security deposit and first month's rent for a decent rental. I also already have a lawyer who has been kind enough to offer me advice free of charge over the past year. I love her and she is convicted that she would help me when it comes to advocating for our son. I am starting part time work (a contractual position) this month and it will give me a chance to start building my resume. I am going to invest in this house so that when it comes time to sell it, it will sell fast because it's in good condition and I will get full market (or close to it) value for it. I must invest in the pool ASAP as the pool tiles just fell off this AM and I see the crack behind them and this means water is leaking behind the wall and that I have a big problem on my hands. It will be worth the investment because a very nice pool sells a house quickly here in Phoenix. The AC must be fixed, too. No window AC here in Phoenix, you won't ever see that in a house since it's over 110 here on a regular basis and a good new functioning AC unit can also help resell values. So, in effect, I am looking towards the future, knowing that if I take care of my house now, it will pay off for me even if I don't see it now.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

You have sooo much help and support and sooo much ESH to read on and consider. You also have it seems a thought process pretty much intact which I didn't have when I first arrive...my thinker was done and my brain was just enough weight to help keep my head on my shoulders. I learned about "what ifs" and then also about "what if nots" which helped me to balance and learn hope and trust...at first that I would be okay and then that I would get better and grow just like the others in the meetings (lots and lots of them) I was attending. Al-Anon surely works when you work it and I encourage you to focus on working it before or rather than going to fritz!! "What does the program say"? I use to ask myself and if I didn't remember "Now what was that phone number"?? The unconditional love and acceptance and support I got in the program is so similar to the Hawaiian culture I was raised in. We have words and thought phrases and spiritual/behaviors much like the program so I was "home" in the program in a foreign land and therefore blessed I'm grateful I found the program on my HP's suggestion and direction and then the MIP board. Fear today triggers a "slow down" approach for me today where before it triggered a "react" approach. When I react I do without thinking about or thru what is happening and I am afraid about. I graduated to the understanding that the opposite of fear was faith and that helped me tremendously and I worked on increasing my faith in positive outcomes until the last lesson on the opposite of fear became Love..."the complete and total acceptance....without exception". Keep on keeping on and keep coming back. (((((hugs))))) smile

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

Hey Bonny

Maybe it will be the same time as me. I'm planning now for October 2015. I will have the money to move, my loans paid off so I can live OK and taking my time to find just the right home or apartment to rent closer to work. Just keep moving forward and it will all come together if we want it bad enough.

((( hugs )))

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Hey, hey, hey! Good news to read today! Fellowship members moving forward with making goals and moving towards them!

mercedes1959 · Senior Member

Keep coming back.....

NL14 · Veteran Member

Hi Andromeda,
What you're going through is so hardI know all too well!but your thought-process is clear and you seem to have a lot of detachment. Great that you're planning for the future, taking your time, getting good advice, and working with your sponsor. All that time-taking will pay off, both in terms of your sanity (and, I'd wager, your son's) and the ease of your future. Hang in there!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.