My husband is lying to me about his health - Al-Anon Family Group

slowlearner · Veteran Member

My husband is lying to me about his health

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

You've seen that 26 years of trying haven't made any difference. You may know the Three C's: You didn't Cause it, you can't Cure it, you can't Control it. No amount of confronting or explaining or "helping" or "supporting" make any difference to whether an alcoholic drinks or not. You can let go of the burden you don't have to convince him, because you can't. The doctor can't, his family can't, no one can. It's up to him and him alone, on his own schedule. And the sad fact is that the majority of alcoholics do not achieve longterm sobriety.

There is only one thing that we can do that may help them a little bit further down the road toward taking the decision to go into formal recovery we get out of their way and let them experience the full consequences of their drinking. We stop enabling and rescuing. Of course I don't know that you're doing that, just that letting them experience the consequences is the only thing that may make part of a difference.

The good news is that life can get better whether or not they stop drinking. Do you have a sponsor? A meeting? It all gets so insane that we need our own recovery. I hope you'll surround yourself with all the support you can. No one should deal with this on their own.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Next step after no energy to continue? Surrender and Step 1? Feeling and accepting powerlessness and that our life has become unmanageable? We can't fight this battle. That's our HP's job. Ours is to recognize that we are unable to have any affect at all on the disease or the thoughts, feelings and behaviors of our As. There isn't anything to confront, SL. There is just a very tired woman who is trying to battle something that is bigger then she or her husband alone or together. Let go. Let be. Let God. Let growth.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Friday 8th of August 2014 06:51:51 PM

blessed · Senior Member

That whole health thing is hard; then add alcoholism to the mix and it is just baffling.

Prior to my AH downward spiral he never liked going to doctor, eye doctor, dentist, etc. It was a constant battle until I just stopped. He has a family of heart disease and all males die in their mid 50s. He is 51. If I could have stayed I would probalby be a widow in a few years. But, I might be dead by then. When I started working for a great doctor that changed my life through my health I had my AH go in and go throught the testing, etc. and there were issues and he was given vitamins, supplements, hormones, etc. We paid a lot of money for all this. Then I noticed he wasn't taking any of his stuff. I inquired. His reply was, "You asked me to go to the doctor; I went to the doctor." Really? You could have saved us a few hundred dollars and not bought all those vitamins and medications that I now have to throw away. He goes to the eye doctor after he has worn his contacts for six month and his eyes are infected; and he wears glasses for a week unti they heal and he does it again. What's the definition of insanity?.....

I can't stop his drinking. I can't make him eat healthy. I can't make him go to the doctor or take his meds. When I talked to him about this years ago he bought a life insurance policy that would take care of us should he die. Nothing says love like that. :( And his premiums are five times what mine are due to his poor health and family history. We needede more than we got, but couldn't afford more. So, this disease is not just a personal thing.... it reaches far and wide and takes down many in its path.

As with everything else; we just can't control other people and make them do what we think is right. It is very hard for us; but it is crucial we get that if we are ever to be whole.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

(((NB)))...If you are not already a member of the Al-Anon Family Groups...go to the white pages of your local telephone book and look up the hotline number for Al-Anon and call. If it is a live voice...talk with it. If it is a recording listen for where and when we get together in your area and then come out the very first chance you can. You will be glad you did. It is you who need the help. ((((hugs)))) smile

slowlearner · Veteran Member

Thank you that is what I needed to hear. I cannot change him. My kids and his family want me to keep up the fight and I can't. I've been coming to MIP for meetings and doing the steps and things. I plan on going to some face to face meetings this weekend. Like grateful has said it's so much bigger than me I need to turn it over to a HP. He came home tonight drunker than a skunk after a golf outing. Yes, it is time to take care of me.

Kerrymom · Senior Member

(((Hugs))) I hope your F2F meeting makes you feel as wonderful as mine do - it is a relief to know we aren't alone in this terrible disease. It really is amazing what the program can do! As others have said you can't make him change, focus on you. Let his family try change him for awhile!

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

And if you do follow through on KM's suggestion, the family will discover the very same thing you have discovered - they didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it. And even if they don't know what you now know, you didn't cause, can't control and can't cure them either. Isn't that good news? There's only you to be concerned about right now and you're worthy of your approval, appreciation, love, encouragement, support and TLC.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

SL I am pleased that you intend to attend a face to face meeting this weekend. Breaking the isolation by attending face to face meetings is a powerful tool in my recovery tool box. Actually your family would also benefit from attending ,so bringing them literature may help them understand the disease a little better.

I would just like to say that, I did find I could be happy whether the alcoholic was drinking or not. I learned to actually keep the entire focus on myself, my happiness, my health, my spiritual needs and to respect the individuality of the alcoholic and the rest of my family by accepting their right to make choices without my approval.

Living one day at a time, praying, reading my literature, trusting HP, I could let go and let God guide my life. I did not let Myself get to hungry, angry lonely or tired and I reminded myself each day that:

"To give advise to others is to intrude , to give advise to myself is to grow.

Acceptance of life on life's terms is the key

-- Edited by hotrod on Friday 8th of August 2014 11:02:55 PM

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Give up. Surrender and stop fighting. Find peace in your own spiritual journey and let go of the burdens you are placing on yourself. Your husband's family is saying you need to be "supportive" because they know he will be their problem if you stop enabling him. You ALWAYS have a larger task in front of you which is to support yourself. Please, please keep that in mind. You owe yourself the best treatment. Trying to "support, look after, or fix" a self destructive addict is such wasted energy that could be spent nurturing yourself. Yes..
It is a marriage and I know it's not easy to just detach with love right away, but you and your HP were together before you and your AH. Let your HP look after you. Let AH have his own HP that is not you...and treat yourself like you are the most special thing in the world. Serenity comes from there...Your husband is sick, under the sway of a foul disease, and if you pay that beast (his addiction) to much time and energy, you are wasting precious time on something insidious and foul. It's sad he has this disease and it's not all him as much as the disease itself. But, surrendering, detaching, finding your own solace, and meaning in life through alanon and the steps and your HP is how you proceed...A day at a time. My ex played it like I left him during the worst of times...HECK YEAH! I did! It was the worst of times for ME! He was always capable or succeeding or continuing to mess up his life regardless of me. He didn't need my "support."

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Don't u just love the people here? I was so proud of everyone's responses.

Yes you are the one we love and care about. We want you to stop looking at his stuff. Look at you. Drop the rock, there is nothing you can do for him.

I learned to just sit quiet with my AH. Was a precious time. I loved him all my life thru so much stuff in those over thirty years. i learned to love him and not look at his disease. I never know who reads my stuff... i may be repeating to you. I learned to go read or whatever if he was so drunk and was being inappropriate to me. Just leave the room and say I am going to read honey, or I am going out to check the horses, I had my own room to go into to watch tv or whatever. I even went for drives, ran the dogs whatever. I did this often so he would not see it as anything different when he was obnoxious.

I have shared had it only been A behavior, I would have cont. to live with him. we were best friends. but uno he had the brain surgery and go so dangerous.

I know if you use the skills it can be done. learn to take nothing personal. what he says is the same as if he had a hi fever. he does not mean it. In their own way, they do love us, they do. A's are very different in how htey are, even sober on program.

there is real hope for you. do little things for yourself, flowers special food, movies, get out to meetings and other things. thriftshopping is fun, voluteer somewhere.

I would say to my a your disease is your own. I don't want to hear anything about it. they lie anyway, they honestly believe the lies, their bodies organs, skin, veins brains toes everything is compromised!!sick sick sick.\

hugs you go get some pretty soft nightgowns!!! I am telling you separate bedrooms works. I had my own oasis. if we wanted to sleeptogehter I went to his room. I made me a neat little get away, had a door out too!

hugs

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

I am sorry for what you're going through SL. I understand. My AH lies about things too. I am surprised his liver enzymes are ok. But he has high blood pressure. I know that once the trust is gone in a relationship (for me) it means I am done. I agree with PC. It's more important to take care of yourself. I need to do that too. We all do. Your family has an opinion, but it doesn't mean it's the right one for you! Kids are important, too, but the decisions you make are your own...it's nobody else's business to tell you what to do.

Take care

-- Edited by Newlife girl on Saturday 9th of August 2014 06:18:07 PM

cloudyskies · ~*Service Worker*~

I didn't read through all the replies, so I'm probably going to say things others have already said. In your first post I noticed that you h said he wants to quit drinking on his on. My h has said the exact same thing. When I suggested to him that he needed to get help, his reply was "just let me do this on my on." Well, I'm letting him do it on his on and he's still drinking. What I'm seeing right now is him fighting to control it. I know this isn't going to work, but I'm staying quiet. This is something he's going to have to learn on his own. What is your husband's family doing to try and help him, and what do they expect you to do? Other than suggesting he get help, there's not a whole lot anyone can do to help your husband. It sounds like his family doesn't want the burden of taking care of him, so it seems they want to lay a little guilt trip on you to make sure you stick around and take care of him.

You need to take care of you right now. Set your husband and his family on the back burner and take care of you. God Bless you, SL. I certainly know your pain. We, the people affected by our alcoholics, become so tired that everything just seems hopeless. Find some face to face al-anon meetings. These meetings will help you. You'll learn how to focus on you. The very first meeting helped to remove some of my blinders.

God Bless, you slowlearner. We love you!

deramam · Veteran Member

When I got sick of my AH lying to me about his drinking and quitting i went to his family as well to try and squeeze the disease out of hiding. Secrets feed the disease. He doesn't lie to you because he wants to but it's just a symptom of the disease. My H was very mad that I opened up to his family and let them know how bad it actually was. They had an idea (they aren't blind or stupid) but since they now knew the whole truth it made the disease mad which made the disease angry toward me for a while. However, once it was out there it was a lot harder for the disease to hide and lie to me and his family which gave it less power. It may sound weird but it's the truth. My AH still lies to me but it's a lot easier for me to accept knowing why he is lying to me. It still hurts and I still hold resentments for some things but that's what I have to work on for myself to be healthy and happy and leave the disease and the lies with him and not me.

Nightwind · Member

When or if we enable or rescue, we deny the addict/alcoholic the gift of desperation that a 'bottom' brings. Active alcoholics do not know how to be honest with themselves, so how can they be honest with those that care for them? The cunning and baffling disease of alcoholism convinces the alcoholic that they cannot live without alcohol. The only person who can help the alcoholic is him/herself. It is sad but true.

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

I love all of the responses that you've had and couldn't agree more - take care of yourself. You don't need to run your husbands life and choices for him. He knows what the doctor has said, that is the important bit. It is a shame that he has lied to you about it, but perhaps he is trying to protect you in his own silly way. That is not important though. I found that when I let go of the grip and left AH to make his own choices he started to make some better ones.

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