Still obsessing - Al-Anon Family Group

lookingup · ~*Service Worker*~

Still obsessing

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

LU you have all the cards He needs you--your home, your food, your car, your money What does he give you ?

Repeating a slogan or the serenity prayer over and over helped me to break the obsessive thoughts . Also writing my asset list helped to restore my self esteem and self worth . I knew I was a precious, beautiful woman and that he was fortunate to know me and I did not like his manipulation so he could live elsewhere. That worked.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

This is what comes to me as I read your last few sentences and your cry for help: Get off his back. Give him, his phone, this gal, her husband and this situation to God. Get to a meeting. Find a sponsor. Work the steps. Get on with your life according to Al-Anon principles if you want to stop obsessing and doing the same thing over and over again with the same results. You are powerless over what he does, what she does and what the disease does as it progresses in us. Al-Anon is the medicine that helps us stop obsessing and trying to control what we can't control and gives us the tools to live and let live. (((LU)))

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

There is a very amusing Bod Newhart sketch called 'Stop It' that I go and watch at times like this.

It is not for me to say, but for once I think that I will anyway. Your boyfriend, his girlfriend, the phone, the rich husband - I suspect that none of them are worth another moments thought. But you know that already.

What are you really scared of? When I was in your situation I asked myself that question and my answer was that I was scared of my own anger. I was angry that I had been cheated on and that someone had stepped on my turf. I felt like a caged lioness and I thought that if I could get out of that cage and 'get at 'em' I would feel better. But please trust me, it does not make you feel better. Rise above their level if you can, don't let them get you down.

What might be worth thinking about is what is in this relationship for you? What are you getting from it? If you can get to a meeting, and hear other peoples stories then you might realise that this is not personal.

I'm so sorry that you are hurting, I know that that hurt can go on for years if you let it. Please let them go and create positive space in your life (I'm saying that bit for myself as well sister

)

sunrise2014 · Veteran Member

Ask yourself, what is this madness doing for me? Is it solving anything? Is it putting anything to rest? Have you calmed down? Looks like no. Your self worth is not defined by him, nor anyone, and right now you're putting this before your right to be happy and at peace. Why? I know it's difficult, I myself have been there and I had to decide if I wanted to continue the madness of wanting to crawl out of my own skin........feeling like you have no control of your own self. Then the light bulb came on, why oh why am I making what he does more important than how I feel? You are worth having your basic needs of love, honesty, trust and care met and if he cannot provide that for you and it is something that you can't accept then you need to make change, a big change. Don't be afraid, fear keeps us from enjoying endless possibilities because of the unknown. I know you feel rejected and betrayed and can't understand for the life of you why in the world he continues to do this when he knows how it is affecting you. But like it's been mentioned in other posts, you are powerless to what he does, you cannot and do not control what he does.....................only what you do. Doors open, opportunities come, the sun rises when you decide to let go and let your HP drive. Be brave honey, you got this, show yourself that you are worth everything you expect!

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

You are abusing yourself, why?

Nightwind · Member

I know that when I was in relationships with addictive men there was alway some drama and dirty dealing. Alcoholics are often in denial about their own disease so it is not uncommon for them to believe their own version of the truth, which is often not true. I realize now that being in relationships with alcoholics or other crazy makers feeds a sick part of me who grew up the same kind of turmoil. I did not know what to do with peace and quiet...now I crave it unless I don't do my recovery work then my brain can start obsessing on whatever or whoever is handy. That part of me is my disease which fuels the obsessive part of me. The pain of what you are going through is real, but you can be free of it if you choose to be. I wanted to much to believe in my alcoholic boyfriends because I never learned to believe in myself, had very low self-esteem and self-worth (still working on this) and their abuse or neglect confirmed my deepest fears of not being worthy, which is the same way I was raised and which is the lie, the disease.....do not give up on you no matter what. I know now why I picked the men I did and why I often stayed much longer than I should have. When I learned to focus on my self rather than others I began to heal...I still have a long way to go and hit a lot of rough patches, especially with my family of origin, who are still acting out the old patterns. Thank HP for al-anon and others in recovery......

I wish you peace and serenity....

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Everyone is saying the truth.

No one is making you sick but yourself.

Its all about us loving ourselves enough that we won't allow any of this stuff to continue to control us.

What would happen if you told him to get out, go stay at mommies, or somewhere else. Then you start taking care of you. Go to a counselor, go to meetings, completely stop thinking about his stuff.

I don't get the hating her, he did not have to comply, they both chose to commit adultery, they both disrespected you.

I can tell you, by your own actions, he is thinking more and more about blaming you. Who would want to stay with someone who is acting crazy and not respecting herself? He will use you as the reason he cheats. All boloney of course, but this is NOT making him want you. Its doing the opposite.

If the situation is making you sick, then get the heck out of it. Who needs it? What is so great about a guy who cheats on you?

He does not love his wife, disrespects his marriage. Allows another woman to fill his needs. broke his vows.

What is it about you that you don't love you? What is it that you would continue to be part of this mess?

of course he is still with her. so what is it that makes you even want him? In my belief you are free of him anyway. YOu are better off on your own and if you want, after you build some self esteem, allow a good man to find you!

we want people who love us, people who would never hurt us on purpose in our lives. I know I want a man to find me, want me enough to not even make a huge mistake and be with someone else, cuz he knows I have value and he would lose me big time if he chose to cheat...

I want to add that you are a non cheating woman, you honestly deserve to be treated so well by all around you including your husband who should value you the most.

WE all here love you enough to tell ya hard truths! we love you enough to say HEY stand up for YOU. we are here for you.

You are so beaten down and tore up you are grasping at threads! I invite you to find someone, a friend, relative someone who loves you and listen to them. You are worth so much more than you realize.

Plus I am telling you, I know men, and men like a challenge and they like a woman who loves herself enough to not take any crap from anyone. I know i want a man like that. no one wants a wus.

please honey get some help to heal yourself!!!

Luiza · Senior Member

I have been there with my XH.
Alcohol wasn't involved but I was so addicted to him and his mistress and his exes which he was still friendly with.
I couldn't live my life. I totally lost myself. I obsessed with them day and night non stop. It was a very dark part of my life.
He threw me out and cut all contact. He just spoke to me to talk about divorce only. Once divorce was finally done he disappeared for good. I was still hurting but when I finally managed to let go I could see the amount of time and energy I wasted during that time and how it affected my life.
I wish I had a recipe to teach you how to stop obsessing but there is no magic. I think the only way is to separate and cut all contact. Find yourself again, make new friends, get new hobbies...just look after yourself and accept the relationship is over.

Don't expect anything from him. You deserve better and you can make yourself happy.

Take care.

-- Edited by Luiza on Thursday 7th of August 2014 04:40:00 PM

lookingup · ~*Service Worker*~

Everything said here is the truth ,I've just got to get it into my thick brain.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.