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I'm sorry you are going through this. I am really new to this forum but I wanted to reply to your post.
my mother in law too said some really inappropriate things to me when my AH admitted he was alcoholic the first time back 30 years ago. She accused me of his problem. She couldn't even see that her husband (father in law) was also an alcoholic. Now that her son (my AH) is drinking again she is still in denial. She keeps saying things like "you must have done something to him to make him act this way." I'm trying to stay out of her thinking but it does make me mad. I keep reminding myself that she never could admit alcoholism is in the family. She thinks he can moderate himself if given the chance.
I hope you can get to f2f meeting in Al-anon. I have been to 1 a day since July 5th. It has helped me forgive myself and detach from his problem. I can admit I have no control, I didn't cause it, and cannot cure it.
Thank you for the kind words. I do go to alanon. My husbands family it is "a family
Disease" my mil father was an binge a and her whole family had been highly affected by
Alcoholism. I consider her a dry drunk even though she drinks in moderation. It is
The attitude,She is a belittler. She was filled with guilt and shame and passed it
Onto her family. My ah being the oldest. He Is also filled with guilt and shame and
Became an A and also a emotional bully/abuser. That is really the problem here. I know
i need detachment. I have never been divorced before so this is all new to me.
It's clear that his insanity is continuing. If "accountability" means acknowledging the insanity, it's true, some (many) people never become accountable. We can get stuck in wanting to make them admit it. I remember the many, many conversations I had with myself where I'd play both parts and get him to acknowledge all his hurtful and insane behavior. Never could get it to happen in real life, and waiting for it to happen kept me hooked in.
What helped me was the saying "Recovery isn't winning; it's not playing."
I guess the other saying that might apply is "He's going to do what he's going to do; what are you going to do?"
If our addiction is to the other person, it's hard to let go and stop thinking about their craziness. Such a sweet relief, though. Take good care of yourself.
Thanks mattie. I know all that stuff its just painful and maddening.
We have only been seperated for two weeks and i knew what his mother
Thought. Yes i know i need to move from here, and move on to heal and
have a happy Life. And really embrace the healing powers of alanon.
Make my life about me not him.
I never had my AH admit to anything.... in 14 years of not drinking- after 30 years of drinking in our marriage. He either doesn't think it was so bad or he really believes he never did anything wrong while drunk. I have given up and no longer engage... and I don't care anymore. Your job is to take care of yourself.... mentally and emotionally as well as physically and spiritually. One day at a time is to move forward fast enough.
Thank you mary jane. I can only hope at some point he will face
His demons and deal with them, For his own mental health. I am
Working on myself and am standing strong not letting him bully
Me into moving till i am ready. This whole situation is more than
I can emotionally process and deal with some days. I feel my hp
At work but the emotional pain and hurt is intense.
The in-laws can really keep the A in denial as they cater to them. About 7-8 years ago I called my b-i-l hoping to get some help and keep it private. Instead, I got disowned from his family. They rallied around him, and he loved it. We no longer had any communiction so he could lie to them, they beleived him, and never heard the truth from me. I can't control any of them.
And now as I am leaving, that too will somehow fall on me. Whatever. Me, my son and God know what happened here out of the public eye.
As a mother I vow to keep my healthy distance from my son's future family's affairs, especially if I am not invited in, and not control them, take sides, etc. It happens far to often when parents don't allow their adult children to be adults. They feel that their adult children's mistakes are a reflection on them. My m-i-l has said many times of my AH, he was a perfect child, I never had a lick of problems with him. Really. The only perfect human I ever knew of. I love my son dearly and he is a great young man, but perfect? Well, noone is perfect. But, the AH is the baby and at the age of 51 is still holding on to the aprom string of his mother, and she loves it.
But, as AlAnon teaches, we have to take the focus off of the A, the A's enablers, and anyone else that is keeping us from working our own recovery. For every moment we focus on them, is a moment we are not focusing on ourselves.
My MIL use to say "I will talk with him." I would say please don't it will only make it worse for me. She never really admitted there was a problem. She was always about "how things look" and not about how things really are. I wish the best for you. Please keep posting your thoughts. It will help you. Good luck and take care.
Mother-in-law and father-in-law came to visit not long after I had finally realized husband was alcoholic and he had quit drinking. And he told them. MIL trotted out all the reasons why she didn't think he was--the same ones she used to be in denial about two of her siblings. Although they had never done so in the past, the next time they came to visit, they brought a bottle of wine. MIL didn't drink (turned out much later we found out she was subject to seizures, and I think that is probably the reason she was the only one in that family who did not.) And I could see her thinking; her twisted logic: ' No good parent would bring alcohol to the home of an alcoholic son.
I am a good mother.
I have brought alcohol.
Therefore, my son is not an alcoholic.
Neat, huh? Husband didn't drink any of the wine, btw. I think the FIL did.
-- Edited by Temple on Wednesday 6th of August 2014 09:07:11 PM
__________________
It's easy to be graceful until someone steals your cornbread. --Gray Charles
The disease of alcoholism is certainly cunning baffling and powerful and my disease, after living in the insanity is just as powerful . Temple, your MIL' reasoning sounded perfectly logical for any person living with this disease and trying to live in denial :)
Thank you all for your thoughts. I am better today, just very angry And hurt yesterday. I knew this would happen with his family, most Live right around me. I do have one soon to be S I L on the same page and we Talk she has been thru counseling etc with my B I L. He does not drink but It is the family thinking patterns that are so hard to break or live happily with. They do not know how to communicate and are emotional bullies.
I do plan on moving closer to town where there Is more to do year round as a single person, closer to work. I can move on and heal from within. There has been alot of emotional abuse in the last 3 years and from growing Up. My mother would love for me to move down near her and i said no i Am going to take care of me not her or my sisters. Me only!
-- Edited by Mirandac on Thursday 7th of August 2014 07:02:52 AM
