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Whenever my H drink and comes home drunk he cannot keep his hands off me (because I'm so dang beautiful, lol anyways...). I try to tell him no and I always tell him I will not have sex with him when he's drunk but if I don't I feel like if I keep that up he'll go somewhere else. (He doesn't drink every day, he is a binger. I feel like if I have sex with him when he's drunk it will make his drinking not a big deal and an okay thing (even though we both no it's not). It also turns me on when he's drunk and all over me (sick, I know because I can't stand the smell of alcohol.) it makes me feel good knowing that he wants me when he's drunk. He'll text me when he's gone saying he's drunk and asking if I'm going to let him come home and how much he wants me. I know it's the alcohol but when he's not drunk we have an awesome sex life and if I turn him down when he's drunk he might not even bother coming home and he'll just try and get it somewhere else. And when he's drunk he gets quite 'kinky' and I can't help but get turned on and he knows it. But then after I feel like I was used and made the fact that he drank no big deal. Ugh! Sorry if it was TMI.
I always ask and he's only not remembered once. I really hate that I do it and it makes me feel like I am rewarding him because when he's sober and before we have have sex that I won't if he's drunk. It's a boundary that I cannot follow through.
I never knew when my AH was telling the truth or not. I made a boundary that he couldn't come to bed with alcohol on his breath. I couldn't follow thought with it either. After being in al anon for almost an year, I decided to move out.
And when he's drunk he gets quite 'kinky' and I can't help but get turned on and he knows it. But then after I feel like I was used and made the fact that he drank no big deal.
Dear Deramam Thanks for your honesty. Remember the first step--- we are powerless over people, places and things. Trying to satisfy him so he will not go elsewhere is a form of manipulation that I so recognize. I think the most telling segment of our posting is that after you feel used! Making love is just that, a experience between two people where both feel cherished and loved not Used.
After examining my motives I found that I could no longer participate in this activity because it fed my denial and pretend tools and was not reality .
Hi Deramam,
Thanks for writing about this--it's not an easy thing to share. I struggle with the same issue, though the details are differentI never enjoy it anymore, whether he's sober or drunk, and I don't so much feel used as just hate myself for going along with the act to avoid rocking the boat... I guess I also feel that if I cut off all sexual contact, I'm not "trying" in the relationship--and I can't accept that judgement, from myself or from my AH. Ugh. I need to get to Hotrod's level of awareness and action on this one!
Good luck to you.
I've experienced some of this although it was many years ago. I do have to say that I got to the place inside where I couldn't stand to let him touch me and slept in a different bedroom. The only way I could have let him touch me was if I was drunk or high myself. It was similar to being one of Pavlov's dogs after awhile. I just stopped responding when the bell rang. I couldn't endure anymore abuse or confusion or come hither - no go away. Fantasy took second place to reality for me. I was living with a very sick man - reality - and I simply couldn't trust him on any level and needed to close myself off to being used and abused for any reason. I'd hit my bottom of what I would endure to keep what I thought was a marriage and later saw was a toxic prison going anymore. I wanted and needed me more than I wanted and needed him.
I sound like a broken record...."To Thine Own Self Be True" If you can have sex with him and enjoy it without any of the manipulations, expectations or the shame you feel afterwards, then go for it. Be clear on why you are doing what your are doing, though. He is obviously triggering some dark places within you...get to meetings and get a sponsor to help uncover what your issues are...until then it is best not to state boundaries that you cannot enforce. Keep his want and desires completely out of the picture....focus on you and your needs. An alcoholic or addict cannot engage with your emotional needs, physical, yes, but not emotional.
This is an area I had many challenges with over the years, so I know where you are coming from. You are not alone.
Yes it sounds like he is making his drinking like a reward system for you with good sex at the end. If you are going to stay with him you may as well take the little snippets of joy from the relationship. ...even if it is kinky sex. There are pay offs for staying in any relationship, aren't there? Drinking makes us all a bit more uninhibited. It probably allows you to be more free because he may not remember it in the morning. I may be along when I say. good for you for allowing yourself to enjoy it.
I have a different experience. Most of the time I just want to get it over with!!! :)
When I was married to my exAH it was similar. He drank all the time, but nonetheless; sex was an area that was fulfilling and a small grasp of "affection" for me. I had a difficult time with it myself. I wanted him, I wanted to feel wanted, I felt ashamed after because I could never tell if he really wanted me or just wanted to satisfy himself because he was drunk and horny. It's a fine line and there are no easy answers. At the end, it had been 23 years and I just couldn't stomach it anymore. I had to resolve that there were far more bad feelings about the sex than good. I think when you get there - it's a slippery slope. <my story>
I think you either need to listen to your inner voice and enjoy it or decline it. It you enjoy it - enjoy it. If you decline it - don't feel guilty about it. There are no hard and fast rules about sex and marriage...everyone is allowed to say no at times and each party is allowed to enjoy it other times. You can't hold yourself to hostage to "what if's" or you will never be able to live in and enjoy the present.
Thank you everyone! I feel a lot better knowing that I wasn't alone and glad that I shared so I could get your experiences. It really gave me different ways to think about it as well. I don't have a sponsor although I would like one and I can't go to f2f meetings because they are too far away and I am unable to get there at this time.
I've experienced some of this although it was many years ago. I do have to say that I got to the place inside where I couldn't stand to let him touch me and slept in a different bedroom. The only way I could have let him touch me was if I was drunk or high myself. It was similar to being one of Pavlov's dogs after awhile. I just stopped responding when the bell rang. I couldn't endure anymore abuse or confusion or come hither - no go away. Fantasy took second place to reality for me. I was living with a very sick man - reality - and I simply couldn't trust him on any level and needed to close myself off to being used and abused for any reason. I'd hit my bottom of what I would endure to keep what I thought was a marriage and later saw was a toxic prison going anymore. I wanted and needed me more than I wanted and needed him.
I am with you here 100% and going through the same thing with mine. We haven't had sex in about a year or very close to it. I can't stand the smell of the alcohol on his breath or seeping through his skin. The sex was good at first but his alcoholism progressed and then the sex became very sloppy. He was up and he was down and he was up and he was down. Also he could never ever reach climax so I got to where I would just take over, do what I had to do and then go to sleep. Even that got old! Now here I am in a home where we are just two warm bodies passing each other in the hall.
This is a hard issue. I continued with sex with my dry ah even after he
Started being really emotionally abusive toward me. It was a bond we
Both enjoyed. You feel if you dont have sex your marriage is really over.
We did not relate on too many levels anymore but that one we did and
I did not feel any shame. Why should i he was my husband.
i too thought having sex with AH was somehow 'bad'. I don't know why other than he told me he was having an affair and thought he "Loved" other woman. I worry about STD's and cringe when I think about it but then I say to myself I am his wife I'm the one who should be giving him what he needs sexually.
It has been a month since he told me this and we have gotten closer. I am still worried about his connection to other woman. He claims he has told her he's done with her. I don't know for sure if I can believe him he has stayed out all night at least once a week since he told me this. He tells me he loves me and doesn't want to hurt me but ...
He came home last Saturday /Sunday morning and said he was done drinking. I think it scared him. He says he doesn't remember what he did. I have been thanking God every day since, he has not had a drink. I know I can't control it and maybe he is DONE but until he says he's going back to AA I don't think it will hold. He says he has the cravings very badly. Fighting it.
anyway. My point is he is MY Husband I love him and it is my decision to have sex.
I am sorry to say this, but no matter what you do, or don't do, will not "cure him". It falls under control and/or manipulation to control him by doing something for him when he is behaving properly (have sex only when he is sober).
For years my spouse never initiated sex, and I did when I just couldn't wait anymore. Then two things happened that made me get over it. One was something he said during s** that was something you would say to a hooker; and another time he couldn't even perform. I was done. I am worth more than that and I am a lady that won't allow anyone to treat me like a cheap call girl. And I was asking him for it; not the other way around.
Sex is good if there is love and respect. Otherwise it is not much different than rape.
Unfortunate that sex with your AH when he's drunk turns you on - never did that for me, but if it had I would have felt like a hostage. But I just didn't like the sloppyness, doing stuff that wasn't sexy but just plain painful, the falling asleep after 3 minutes etc. etc.
But I also don't think "It falls under control and/or manipulation to control him by doing something for him when he is behaving properly (have sex only when he is sober)." - in my case it didn't; but, hey, nothing much else happened, because he claimed he could only have sex when drunk or stoned, sober he was only ever "serviced". After 2 years I stopped bothering, because it felt like passive aggressiveness towards me and was just too frustrating.
This has aways been a tough and important subject as I can remember and not always talked about because of taboos and the like. IN recovery I learned the difference between making love and having sex and man the gap was wide. Some of the items have been mentioned here which helped me then to understand that sex was a "nerve ending" addiction and love was unconditional acceptance. I love being loved and I love having that extend into sex and as it has been mentioned...sex without intimacy isn't fulfilling for me. The having my spouse get up after and go into the living room to see what is now on TV doesn't feel like love or lovely at all. I'd rather not thank you. After all it is often called just "getting off"...done back to the TV. Ugh. ((((hugs))))
Thanks for your honesty. I can relate to this. Our sex life was only good when he was drunk but I felt used and unattractive afterwards. It was only about his wants at the time and I think it could have been anyone. It wasn't about me or us. It got to the stage he only wanted me when he was drunk. I began to get angry about this and told him I won't have sex while he's drunk. Im worth more. Well it was just another part that crumbled in our relationship. I think his low self esteem meant he couldn't be with me while he was sober.x
