The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I used to think my husband was the person with the problem (sickness). He was the one who needed help. With the help of al-anon and my HP, I am just beginning to understand how sick I was and am. My addiction of trying to control my husband's drinking was as bad as his need to drink. I tried everything (preaching, praying, bitching, nagging, threatening and RAGING) imaginable to get him to stop drinking. I did not realize that everything I was doing was only fueling his guilt and need to drink. God, what a vicious cycle!! I wonder at times how either of us have managed to survive.
I remember several months ago, I actually wanted to die. I was so depressed and tired. I wrote a poem to God, telling him how tired (bone tired) I was and I wanted to come home. I did not realize how sick I was. My thinking was so distorted and self centered. I did not understand how an alcoholic thinks. I could only think of myself. Poor pitiful me. Why was this happening to me? I was the "classic victim."
I cried out to my HP to help me. I did not like what I had become and I did not know how to "fix" me. God led me to this little al-anon group. I remember my first visit so vividly. I cried the entire meeting. The members listened to me and let me cry, and then they told me to read. Everything I was reading was describing me. How could this be I wondered? I had never told anyone about my life. This is when I learned how similar our stories were. All of the members in my al-anon group had something in common. We all had tried to control our spouses' drinking and FAILED.
I began reading that night, and I have not stopped. I was telling a friend that I wasn't just reading al-anon literature, I was STUDYING it. My thinking had become so warped and distorted that it takes rereading information many times before I can understand and apply it to myself.
I have heard many people say prayer can change people. I believe this, BUT I also believe that God gives us tools to use and work in order to change ourselves. He does not expect us to sit on our behinds and wait for change to happen. We have work to do. (of course this is all my opinion and what I believe). The more work I do, the more studying I do, the stronger I get. I am now learning coping mechanisms-- strategies I use to defuse the rage, anger and resentment I feel when my h drinks.
I have read where many people are afraid or ashamed to go to al-anon for help. Just remember this, everything you are feeling, these people have already felt. They know your pain, heartache and your weaknesses. They can help you.
I have had personal things happen to me lately that I feel are sort of small miracles. My ah is doing better, still drinking, but doing so much better. I strongly feel this is because he sees my attitude and behavior changing. My stomach used to stay in knots. I could actually feel rage building inside me when he would drink. WOW, the more I read and the more meetings I attend and the more I learn and share, that raging fire seems to be burning out. I thank my God for this.
So for those of you who feel embarrassed or scared or too humiliated to try al-anon, please don't be. It's completely anonymous and you will be amazed what changes can take place in you.
I pray that God will give each of you the strength, courage and guidance you need to get healthy physically, mentally and emotionally.
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Look for the rainbow after the storm, and I'm sending you a double dose of HOPE. H-hold O-on P-pain E-ends
(((((Cloudy))))) How deeply inspirational and aware. It seems to me that you found and wore my shoes also...the ones I put on just before entering the doors of our program and that you found the Higher Power I was blessed to have found also. I said that same "Please Help Me" !!!! prayer and it came to be. I can describe my own miracle now by pointing back at yours. Glad you brought it hear and hoping and praying a newcomer and two feel the urgency and hope in it that I recognize. ((((hugs))))
Thank you for sharing. Another good thing about al anon is we can choose to work it in a way that best works for our situation. I will never take responsibility for my husbands drinking. Never. Even when I was angry. I will tell you why. Even when we were happy and he was acting happy and appearing to do well...he would get drunk. It was devastating to me. This is the statement in your post that stuck in my mind: You felt you caused him to drink more when you raged at him for drinking.
I gave up trying to figure out how much my AH drank. It was too exhausting. We fought: he drank. We had sex: he drank. We were getting along: he drank. I would be silent about his drinking: he drank. I would yell at him about his drinking: he drank. I cried: he drank. I think you get the point. As al anon members, I don't know if it's a good idea to take responsibility for the A drinking too much. People can choose other ways to cope with stress...drinking doesn't have to be one of them.
I couldn't handle my AH anymore, so I left him in March. I am glad al anon is helping you cope with staying with your AH. We are all led down different pathways on the al anon journey.
I am always grateful to hear how others work their program. Yes it does take work and I can see when I slack off my step work and connection to others in the program, that my thinking can backslide.
Wise. Insightful. Honest. Powerful. Thank you.