The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The theme of my F2F meeting this morning was powerlessness. It's a beginners' meeting, so it focuses on the first three steps. I didn't share there because my thoughts were so muddled, but I came away with a new understanding of powerlessness and what it has meant and felt like in my life.
I've felt powerless for a so many years, even before I could see my AH's drinking for the problem it is. I've experienced that powerlessness in the form of fear and anxiety. And, I've been angry at myself for feeling anxious and afraid. But in all of that I haven't acknowledged my powerlessness...because I've been in denial.
Seeing, through the lens of Al-Anon, that I have in fact *been* powerless (and not just *felt* powerless) has made a big difference in how I've felt about my own role and decisions. I'm starting to let go of the anger toward myself, the endless self-berating for weakness or indecision. It's not my fault; I've been in a situation over which I'm powerless.
I've also come to realize that my AH is also powerless. He's powerless over his disease. He loves me, truly, and yet he's entirely unable to stop or even curtail his drinking for me...or for anyone else. He knows on some level that our marriage is at stake, and I do believe that our marriage is hugely important to him, and he *still* can't stop. He can't even see the problem. Not won't, but can't. That's a big difference. He's powerless. He's in denial, as I once was.
For so long, I've been waiting for something--something my AH does--to give me power. Power to leave, power to stay. And now I realize that although I'm powerless over him and his disease I'm not *actually* powerless. I do have power over my own actions, and--with the help of my own recovery--over my own thoughts and feelings. I'm choosing to control them and myself. And at some point, I will probably control myself away from him. When I'm ready. When I choose to. With full, clear vision thanks to the removal of the blinders of denial. And with the help of the community of Al-Anon, the love of my friends and (sober) family, and my higher power.
Thanks to all of you who share on these boards with such generosity. Reading and meditating here really does help clear away the cobwebs!
I found freedom in understanding where and when I am powerless in life. Accepting the things I cannot change - my level of power in a situation, helps me to determine if it is mine to fix (if I have any power) or if it isn't mine to do something about (not in my power).
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
what a lovely share full of compassion for you both.
Try and keep the focus on your recovery your side of the street and hand him over. My partner is drinking again I am throwing myself into recovery I extra meetings, readings, I am doing the steps again. It is amazing what happens when we get out of the way.
You are powerless over him but you can own your power to do the next right thing for your own recovery.
It appears to me that you have fully grasped the 3Cs and are working now on the 3As. Wow!