The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I moved out about a month and a half ago. I am growing increasingly happy. I got rehired at a part time job with some fabulous women, whom I love and admire. I have grown even closer to my church family. I am taking voice lessons, and have become good friends with my teacher - who is my age and goes to church with me.
On the flip side. My AH is "desperate" to quit. Recognized that all of his poor decisions (spending $500 a day on drugs, food, alcohol etc) and almost getting killed with a gun to the throat, all stem from drinking. Actually we all know that it stems from the mess inside his head that swirls around and makes him feel crappy about himself.
He thinks that he can recover if I am around. It would really help him if I were there, he says. I personally think that he just can't be alone. He want me to go with him to meetings. But he hasn't been to one yet.
I practically avoid speaking to him anymore because when he is relatively sober he is a stress ball of sadness and anger. It is penetrating. I just want to cry when I talk to him.
He realizes that he has F'ed up our finances. When money goes into our account i usually move it out into my own to protect it. He took $500 from our business account and used that up in just a couple of days. So he's really really mad at himself (probably mad at me cause I won't give the money back), mad because there is no money in the account. Mad mad mad. guilty guilty guilty. Stressed because HE has to fix the problem...cause we don't have money in the account! Duh.
No longer my problem. I don't spend it. I am not going to fix it.
Problem is that He wants me to give up my happy life in my own place for his chance at recovery. Now, I suppose the question here is, who is being selfish. Me for not wanting to help him (because it will interfere with my happiness), or him for be so desperate that he has to ask me to be miserable.
OMG...after I posted this I read the 12 steps to self care on my avatar...
By going to help him I am breaking RULES:
1, 3, 4, 7, 8, 9, and 11 and probably 6 too - that is more than HALF! UGG
Now, How do I tell him NO?
-- Edited by sadsusie on Tuesday 5th of August 2014 10:29:47 AM
Glad to hear your life continues to improve and you are happy in it. Interesting that as you become happier, the temptation to return to misery shows up. Let me see now: Uh, happiness or misery? Which would I choose? Yup! I'd choose happiness because I know that is my HP's will for me. Misery isn't. I love seeing you happy. It's infectious and looks so good on you. No need to judge who is being selfish and who isn't. Just whether or not we want to be happy or miserable one day at a time to my way of thinking. And we're free to choose either! I love being that free.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Tuesday 5th of August 2014 10:35:48 AM
Good for you susie, it sounds like you have built up some serenity and happiness for yourself in a relatively short time. How did you do it? Withoutyour husband I wonder? Its not really magic or a mystery, you saught recovery for yourself. Hes a big boy, he can seek recovery for himself any time he wants, he chooses not to. Putting it all on you is mmanipulation and immaturity. Its like a wee kid who has to do something that sounds like a lot of effort and they want their mummy to do it for them. Please dont be sucked in. He is an adult with as much chance as you to get himself a happy life, you chose to put in the work he hasnt. You cant do it for him.
This kind of happened with my son, when I stepped away, he sank deeper for a while and my own sickness felt sorry for him, saw him like a baby and me the big rescuer. What he was feeling was the discomfort that he needed to feel, then change did occur. Keep out of it, he has a higher power and your not it. Stop looking at him, he will make sure you see a pathetic, weak babyman. Look at you and keep going with the life god I tended you to have full of peace, friendship, happiness.x
Hello Susie, I love your avitar and read it every time I see your posts - glad it is helping you as well, and good to hear that you are finding happiness.
I always heard that "No" is a complete sentence. Also, don't forget you can't cure it. Therefore, if you move back in, how is that going to help?
I would suggest you go beyond avoiding speaking to him, and just don't speak to him altogether. As el-cee said, he is just going to keep manipulating you and try to tell you what a sad, pathetic human he is without you. I don't think he will suddenly become some great, wonderful strong hero if you come back.
my partner has just slipped after 2 years sober and I am having to practice self care and tough love. However I am very aware that I need to be assertive yet compassionate. I have been here before I know what to do when the disease is on the attack get out of the way. However if I do have any contact I try and be compassionate for us both. my sponsor used to say to me what would someone who loved themselves do. In my situation when my partner wanted to come home after breaking a boundary I had to enforce it, I also have to stick to it now he is active this is loving me not punishing him. I have had the joy of living with some form of sobriety for the past two tears and saw the person behind the disease but it is crazy how it gets then after the first drink. Today I do what is right for me it is not my job to fix him, I hand him over. I have grown enough to not punish him for being sick. I am very far from perfect this disease wants me to be resentful , bitter and attack I will not let it turn me back into the sick person I was when I found al anon. Hope this helps in some way. hugs tracy xxxx
You sure do help me to clarify my thoughts and to support the right things. I did stop speaking with him. I stopped texting for the most part as well. With your support I was able to gather even more strength in my conviction to do what is right for me no matter what the cost. I am, strangely, still in love with him. But that love won't ruin me. I told him numerous times that I needed a car by Friday. on Thursday I had heard no talk of vehicles, so I walked into a dealership (luckily I knew the best friend of the GM), and bought a car in about an hour and a half. The salesman drove me to return my rental car. I made it to work only 5 minutes late, and returned the next morning to finalize the paperwork. I was going to go for a beat up old used car. to stay on a budget. But I want to go visit my mom and dad for christmas (9 hour drive), and I want to go to my 20 year high school reunion, probably 20 hours. SO when I was presented with the idea of spending about $75 more a month I could get $5000 off sticker plus $1000 rebate on a BRAND NEW car - I decided that I deserved it! I got a Kia soul and pay $300 a month. I probably didn't get as good of a deal as I cold have on financing. But I am not going to worry my pretty little head about it. I am free. I feel proud of myself for taking care of me! otherwise I would have been driving "his" car, or a car 'he' picked out for me. I told him what I got, but not the price because it was none of his concern - I will be getting a job to pay for it myself. (Frankly business picks back up and I start hoarding the money so he can't spend it.. I should not HAVE to work...but I will and i am going to treat myself everyday! lol
I even decided I needed to do do something about my weight. So I randomly met a girl who owns a weight loss clinic and went to see her and joined the very next morning! GO ME!
I am going to attempt a "sales" job that a friend of mine just got and put a good word in for me....monday is the training. I think I will be really good at it unless it is slimy...then I won't be able to live with myself.
I spoke to AH today, and told him 90 days recovery, he needs to be in counseling, and only then can WE be in counseling and I plan on living by myself so that I can rediscover who I am and that he will have to "date" me again. (down the road)
Susie, I am inspired by your Soul. How exciting to hear about your new ride, your plans to take care of you, your avatar and messages are revelatory. You go girl!
Susie, I bought a new car too in May. I needed one badly. I understand. And it's nice to know we can do things on our own without our partners! Good job for taking care of yourself! Is there a rule against stealing avatars? Lol i found yours a few weeks ago. I love it.
-- Edited by Newlife girl on Sunday 10th of August 2014 06:26:37 AM
-- Edited by Newlife girl on Sunday 10th of August 2014 06:27:10 AM
Your strength and happiness are coming though. Keep feeding those! My now exH also told me many times that if we were together he would have the motivation to stay sober. Uh uh. I have said and continue to say the conversation can only begin w "I have been sober for _____ (insert long time frame here) and am working at it every day w support". In other words, the exact opposite of what the disease is trying to talk me into.
Financial issues--oh yes! Those are a good time. I have very little money now that we have split and it hardly worries me at all because I know exactly what it is and who is spending it (me) and on what (food for the kids usually! not hotel rooms, coke or booze).
And in 90 days, you can extend the time.....recovery is grand and you are choosing for your life, yay for you! Let him do this on his own....you did not help him become an alcoholic. His words and actions are manipulations. I had to cut off calls and texts from my husband when he moved out and I let him be with himself and his hp. They developed quite a heated relationship for a bit while he was wrestling his dragons. Good work Ms Susie
90 days is too short a time just in my opinion. He will need a year to live on his own and not be "dating" and worrying about relationship turmoil. Right now he is acting out of neediness and you are answering it with a 3 month behavioral contract timeline. It would make more sense to state "When you can stand on your own feet, be recovered with or without me, don't need me, but WANT me, THEN we can look at our relationship." He held it together for a while last time Susie and you moved back and look what happened? (not trying to sound harsh). He needs to demonstrate solid recovery on his own, contingent upon nobody but himself, his HP, and his program. Until then, he is only trying to real you back into the disease and his emotional neediness and stuntedness. My suggestion is to get out of the way of his disease and his "recovery" IF and until he makes serious progress. Way more than 3 months.
At 3 months, I was still a total baby in sobriety and not ready to be in an adult relationship. I know it sucks Susie. I went through some of what he's going through. I was DESPERATE for someone else to make recovery easier and to figuratively hold my hand through it (in the form of a relationship). That was not the answer though and looking for that detracted from my recovery. I felt so broken that I thought I couldn't do it on my own. I leaned on AA and my sponsor though and THAT was the solution. Until I had a spiritual set of tools to deal with life, I tried to fill my emptiness with relationships, alcohol, food...whatever. The best shot you have with him will ironically be when he stops pleading and no longer "needs" you so bad. Can you stand back and let that happen or walk away if it doesn't?
