The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Abf is has been haveing bad luck over and over and I'm can't help but wonder if that's part of being a alcoholic/addict,I feel like his refuge,his rescuer,his shelter,his everything how does one handle such situations or is this just part of haveing an a in your life that I will have to deal with.what else do they the a do?he is the most unstable person I know I'm his roof overhead and only source of anything.i guess with his kind of work it's like he would need to save for rainy days cause he is an outside worker.
Ofttimes bad luck is the result of poor choices. Choices about things which you arent being told. Once I found out why my AW was having so many minor auto accidents - people kept pulling out in front of her, forcing her off the road - it was really because she had been drinking. She had been telling most of the truth - someone pulled out in front of her, yes - but once she was in recovery she told me that if she hadnt been drinking she would easily have been able to avoid him.
So, quite often, we make our own luck. Kenny
-- Edited by KennyFenderjazz on Tuesday 5th of August 2014 09:28:48 AM
I dont believe in bad luck. We all get natural consequences from our own actions. As simple as that in my mind. His choices are poor, mainly made through his desire to not be straight, he wont be in reality for long so therefore his consequences will reflect his choices. This for me is evidence of my higher power, logical and rational. Luck to me is something in the movies or Disney films, not real.
You have listed how you enable, you are allowing, encouraging, helping him continue in his addiction, I did it, we all did it, we call it helping until we learn that it is far far from helping, its dangerous and essentially wrong. Then when we learn this we make the changes, they are hard, its very hard to face up to and then stop 'helping' and let them have all the natural consequences because these are the very things that help them change not our helping and fixing.
Lu ,
I hear your focus and your compassion focused on your Abf and do not hear how you are taking care of yourself in the middle of this crisis. If he is not seeking recovery he will always have what you think is"Bad Luck" but what is, in reality the result of his disease.
Please remember to take care of yourself first. Keep shairng and know that progress not perfection is what counts
LU: One of the things my adult kids showed me was their resentment when I did things for them that they could do for themselves. Oh, they were grateful when I helped out - for a minute or two. Then, not. I saw that I needed to stop helping and trust they were able to sink or swim on their own. My rowing their boat for them after a certain age kept them feeling small and helpless. When I saw that, I did the hard part of letting them learn how to swim after their boat sunk because I knew how important it was for their development as people. My son continues to use and it isn't because I'm rowing his boat for him. Its because he won't row for himself. There's always one more gal stepping up and grabbing the oars because they feel sorry for him and want to help him out. What I know is that he has had plenty of hands stretched out to him and after awhile he smacks them away because down deep he knows he can row his own boat. He just has to want bad enough to stop letting others pity him rather than respect him. If your boyfriend was my son and you asked me the same questions you've asked here, I would say please stop helping him. It won't help him live. It will help him die.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 4th of August 2014 08:06:16 PM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 4th of August 2014 08:32:08 PM
LU, this is not bad luck. His life will get worse, eventually there will be death unless he chooses recovery. Your life will get worse unless you choose and WORK your program. For you that means as many meetings per week you can get to and working with a sponsor. Your other option is to continue going crazy. Your life is worth more than his refuge,his rescuer,his shelter,hiseverything...
You abf may be an unlucky person to some extend but could it possibly be that these are consequences from his drinking? When people are drunk they are sometimes not good decision makers. Some make poor choices and some people will use and abuse alcoholics. You aren't responsible for that happening to him nor can you keep him safe from it. You have yourself and your own life to think about.
As far as feeling like his refuge,his rescuer,his shelter,his everything, what are you getting out of that in return? Is it enough for you? ((hugs)) TT
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Monday 4th of August 2014 11:02:57 PM
__________________
Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
I like the responses you have received here because they remind me of when I was where you are at now and thinking and saying much the same thing as I tried to save my alcoholic/addict wife from herself. I wasn't even qualified to do that. I didn't even know what the problem was. I was led to the doors of Al-Anon and the fellowship and then to my sponsorship which after they heard my complaints gave me a one word suggestion. STOP!!! That became my only next task...learning how and remembering how to STOP!!! Read you post and underline what you need to STOP!!! Give him the mercy and dignity to find and work his own recovery. Get out of the way and into a meeting. (((((hugs)))))
This also reminds me of my BIL - he came to live with us for a couple of years. He was clean that whole time, as far as I know, went to aircraft and powerplant mechanic school, got great grades, reliable as could be, GREAT LUCK. Left for Iraq under contract to KBR. Something bad happened there, I never found out what, he came back early went and got addicted to God knows what, lived in a motel with hookers for 3 months until his money ran out, came lived with us, was selling coupons door to door, kept getting ripped off by coworkers, etc, had HORRIBLE luck.
The difference - one time he was clean, one time he was using.
