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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> brother and mom leave me a drunk message. what to do?!
Post Info TOPIC: brother and mom leave me a drunk message. what to do?!
starlady1


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brother and mom leave me a drunk message. what to do?!
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One year ago to the day, my brother took my 19 year old daughter on a road trip but come to find out, he was high the entire time on meth and verbally and emotionally abused my daughter for 5 whole days. When the two of them arrived back home, my brother told me that my daughter was disobedient and went on this long discussion about how she kept leaving his side.. Mind you, my daughter was 19 at the time and didn't feel the need to glued to his hip (now I know it was paranoia on his part from him being high the entire time). So, he is telling me how much he was disappointed in my daughter while I just sat there listening but all I wanted to do was leave because I was feeling a little afraid of him and his temper that he was showing and also his weird unstableness that meth does to a person. So while he is acting strangely, he gets up from the table we were both sitting at and says to me I am not paying attention to him and leaves. He then sends me a text telling me "you are no longer my sister".

 

I tell my mom what happened and she responds "he's just tired". I was so upset and angry by her reply. She has always took his side and has been in denial with his drug use. Everytime something bad happens to both of them, I HAVE BEEN THEIR WHIPPING POST AND I AM THE ONE WHO GETS ABUSED IN THE END. THEY END UP BLAMING ME FOR THINGS. They both blame me now for not listening to the importance of my brother's conversation. I blocked the both of them from my phone because I needed time to think. I reached out to both of them and told them if they want to talk, I would like to resolve the issue but that my husband would be present in all communication from now on. I will not be alone with them because they always make me feel guilty and crazy to tell you guys the truth. They will say my daughter was disobedient and I don't see how she is and they will say that I wasn't paying attention and that they are right.

 

So, I decided to unblock them both from my phone a few months ago. I wanted to give them the benefit of the doubt. I sent out a birthday card to my mother to wish her a happy birthday. she replied to me thanking me for the card. About a month ago, I get a phone call at 4am. my brother leaves me a message, telling me he is dying from cancer and that he is losing his mind. I started panicking while I was listening to the message and started thinking to calling him back but then the unthinkable happened.....

 

he forgot to hang up the phone at the very end and there was my mothers own voice recorded...her laughing and laughing while I lay there in bed at 4am, totally took my off guard. my thoughts of love and care turned instantly to fire and anger.

 

I am a Christian and God tells me to forgive, to make amends and resolve conflict immediately but I am so scared to talk to them because I know nothing will be resolved since my brother and mother live in denial and all the blame will be put on me.

 

I need advice!

 

Thank you guys!

 

Tina



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Cathyinaz


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Then said Jesus, Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do. And they parted his clothing, and cast lots.
Luke 23:34

They are very sick and I feel for you but if you let them get to you they have the control.
Attend Al-anon, come here, read and take care of you. Learn that you can't control them, fix them or cure them.

In turn they will learn soon enough that you have had enough and are moving on.

((( hugs )))

We say "Let Go Let God" with kindness....


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starlady1


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Cathyinaz,

 

Thank you for the response. I think of the both of them daily and feel sick to my stomach since they are gone and out of my life and this anger I have for the both of them. I love them both so much and it's so unfortunate that they have chosen this lifestyle but sometimes I think that God wants me to go back and try to make it work, to be the stronger one, and to try. I think my mind is playing tricks on me because when I think of me going over there, it's like me entering into a "snake pit". Who the heck would voluntarily go into a snake pit and make peace with snakes????

 

thanks again for your inspiring words.

 

Tina



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hotrod


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*Lady, welcome to Miracles in Progress. I am very glad that you found us and had the courage to share your heart . Alcoholism is a dreadful ,progressive, fatal disease over which we are powerless. I am so sorry that you are experiencing the painful effects of this illness. I would like to suggest that you search out Al-Anon face-to-face meetings in your community and attend. Al-Anon is a fellowship of persons who have lived with the disease of alcoholism and who meet in order to solve their common problems. Breaking the isolation caused by living with this disease is extremely important to our recovery. Connecting with others who understand as few others can, developing new positive responses to the insanity of the disease and rebuilding our self-esteem and self-worth are all positive tools that Al-Anon offers.

When I first found Al-Anon, the first thing I needed to learn was that I was powerless over people places and things and if I wanted to be happy and have a successful life, I needed to take the focus off others and their behavior and place it entirely on myself and my behavior and reactions. Thanks to Al-Anon I was given the ability to do just that.

Please keep coming back here there is hope and help.

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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud
grateful2be


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Forgiveness - like anything worthwhile- is a process. Corrie ten Boom saw her sister raped and murdered after being starved by the Nazis. The only thing that saved Corrie was that she had head lice, so the soldiers wouldn't take her because they feared getting them themselves. After the war, she spent much of her time and energy on teaching about forgiveness. One day, she spied one of the soldiers who had murdered her sister. She felt the anger rise up in her and prayed for God to remind her that she was also a person with flaws and to release her from her desire to hurt the other. (Paraphrased from memory.) She was flooded with peace and could go on with her life without being drug down by her need for revenge or to exact justice. Although it is said "Not to let the sun to go down on your anger," I don't think that means to ignore what is factual in your life and to enter into a snake pit. What it means to me is to release myself from judging the other person mercilessly and balling myself up in a knotted mess of anger, frustration, the need for revenge and self-righteousness. The person speaking in Cathy's quote did not return to those who had murdered Him and He didn't rally up the troops to go and take 'em down. He went to those who could receive Him and honor Him even if at times they didn't always get Him. "Love one another as I have loved you" to me doesn't mean to head right back into hell but to seek knowledge of God's will for us and ask for the power to carry that will out day by day.

A reading in Hope for Today suggests that if these four questions are all in agreement, then we can be fairly certain it is God's will for us to carry some action out in our lives: Do we have the Opportunity to do it? Do we have the Desire to do it? Do we have the Ability to do it? Do we have the Time to do it? Asking myself these questions when in doubt has helped me recognize what is mine to do and what is not. Maybe the author of the reading will help you, too?

There is a beautiful book (not Al-Anon CAL) written by the Sheila, Matthew and Dennis Linn who have been involved in Al-Anon and Alcoholism research and healing workshops.  You might like to read their book:  "Don't Forgive Too Soon." 



-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 4th of August 2014 11:54:24 AM



-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 4th of August 2014 11:56:03 AM



-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 4th of August 2014 11:56:43 AM

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starlady1


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thank you Talmud, I will join a face to face group. I am needing all the help!

 

Tina



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Jerry F


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Al-Anon taught me "how to" do what my catholic/Christian was telling me to do.  I didn't know "how to" until the fellowship taught me.  I actually asked a priest what can I do regarding my addict first wife and he told me "We don't know...keep coming back".   UGH!!  Thank God for the fellowship and the ESH from those who don't "talk" it and know how to "walk" it.   Keep coming back.   (((hugs))) smile



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starlady1


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Grateful,

 

Thank you for the kind response and some clarification on God's will for me. I think that I am nowhere close to ready to face them and resolve conflict because I am so hurt and angry. I would not be speaking in love if I go but only in rage in response to their stupidity and uncaring and coldhearted spirit toward me. I have to seek God's direction, to help me get through the anger and to just love them. I have forgiven them because I am not perfect but I have not been able to face them or to be secure and strong enough in Gods love to follow through and be the strong one right now. I want to fix and move forward but this is just a part of me always trying to fix that I need to put to rest while working on me instead.

 

God bless

 

Tina



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grateful2be


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And you are right where you need to be for now. Accepting how you are thinking and feeling and doing what is most loving for you today - perfect! We can be willing to forgive and trust our HP to guide us when it is time with action. As you know - forgiveness and reconciliation are two very different things. I could forgive my x for abusing me. I didn't have to move back in with him. (((T))) Keep coming back and I'm glad to see you will be seeking face to face meetings to attend for yourself.

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Debilyn


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ok Bible also says,"Bad associations, spoil good habits."

Also people have to want to be forgiven.
We are not bound to forgive. But we forgive for ourselves, then let it go. i learned to forgive I feel sadness for the evilness they must feel acting as they do.

Its not that you are not his sister, he is no longer your brother. I am so sorry you heard what you did. But maybe it was a good thing for you to know that they are not worth your energy.

just becuz we may be blood related does not mean we owe them anything.Sounds like they are poisonous for you.

hugs!

 



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starlady1


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Debilyn,

 

Thank you for your kind words. They are toxic. They always have been and they are not very nice people. My mom has been an addict ever since I was a baby and my brother has been the same all his life. It's very sad...you are right. I can't control them and I can't try to patch things up at all. I can patch things up for me tho. You are right, they are not good for me. They see me as the evil one who straightened up my life, went to college and got a masters degree and raise my daughter in an alcohol free house ever since she was very young. 

 

They are blood but that doesn't mean they are good for me. Thank you for the insight!

 

God Bless you

 

Tina



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