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I will try to be concise. I need some guidance - I am not sure what is him and what is alcohol.
I have been married for 30-something years. My husband has been a drinker the whole time. His mother was an alcoholic and I guess that has consequences. I have been trying to read as much as i can to try and figure out how much of our problems can be attributed to his alcoholism and how much is just our personalities. My husband doesn't drink a lot. He drinks beer, for some reason he, as probably most alcoholics, says because it's beer it's not as bad. He told me yesterday he was going to stop drinking because I just can't handle it anymore. Guess what? He didn't even make it 24 hours. I didn't say a word. What's the point?
i feel like I have so much to deal with. My mother has cancer and my dad is 89 years old. I am trying to manage her care and she's so sick right now. I have no support. My husband thinks he is supportive, but I don't ever know what I am going to get. Am I going to get the husband who has been drinking or the other one? It's like living with 2 people and I so resent this. if he loved me, why wouldn't he try to make make my life better? Why wouldn't he stop drinking so I had some stability? I just think it's so incredibly selfish.
My my adult children don't want to hear anything negative about their dad. They have families and I think kids will always love their parents, no matter what and they don't want to take sides. So I don't tell them anything.
I do NOT walk around with a victim mentality. I am just trying to explain that I have no support. My husband is a nice guy to everyone but me. He's emotionally abusive to me. I don't know how much longer I can take all this. I know I need to get to an al-anon meeting, I am looking for one. I am also looking for a counselor.
I guess I am just asking for advice. Do I leave? I just feel like I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone. I am totally alone but everyone thinks things here are fine. I don't cover for him, I wouldn't. He doesn't need covering. He needs accountability because he's not being the husband he's supposed to be. I think I'm just really confused and don't really know where to turn.
Thanks for reading, any advice would be appreciated. I know I need to get to a meeting.
Firstly no one in al anon can tell you if you should stay or leave your husband we do not give advice we just share our own experience, strength and hope. They say take what you like and leave the rest as every situation is different.
We do suggest not making any major decisions s in the first six months until you have been to al anon and learnt about the disease of alcoholism and its effects on all involved ( this is a family Illness).
When I first came to al anon I was sick and tired of being sick and tired and was so so grateful to finally find some people who understood. I really do hope you can find a couple of al anon meetings close to you try a few see where you feel most comfortable. we suggest try al anon for at least six weeks before you decide if it is for you.
It sounds like you have a lot on your plate at the moment and could do with some support, you will find it here you are not on your own , we understand. Please keep coming back, this is a truly amazing journey I have learnt so much.
One of the first things I learnt was that my partner was sick not wilful and that he could not be the husband I needed while drinking, I could not rely on him. I had to find other networks of support.
You have took the first step reaching out GOOD for you!!!
now take a few more and try some meetings it really does work you will get your smile back.
You know there is a lot of support here; you are not alone. Yes, get to a meeting and be surrounded by more support and understanding. I remember early on someone telling me that 'living with and active alcoholic is too much for most of us'. There is a lot of help for you....coming here was a great step, and I'm sure if you have been reading posts you have seen that many of us are living or have lived with situations very similar to yours.
To not respond to your post seemed cruel, because it read so much like how I felt when I first found alanon in 2008. I only wish I had had more time to make it more clear how much I care about how your feeling right now.. I have been very direct.. but I must stress to find what is best for you, and in person face to face meetings with live human beings are best for that. However this board helped me breathe when I couldn't on my own..... I've responded to your comments with my experience only,, what is best for you must be found inside you and with the help of your higher power. As you may know we say higher power here to avoid pushing any one way on others.. I will say mine is the more traditional view of a higher power, just in case you wondered.
His mother was an alcoholic and I guess that has consequences. More than consequences, in my case it totally defined who he was and what felt other people were especially women.
how much of our problems can be attributed to his alcoholism and how much is just our personalities. For me this was a never ending cycle, "figuring things out" was destroying my life (literally, my relationships with others especially my children, my finances took 3 years to even get manageable) my own personality and mindset requires constant "checking" still. I'm trying now days to not "figure things out" so much and accept what is and do what is best for me and mine.
He told me yesterday he was going to stop drinking because I just can't handle it anymore. Guess what? He didn't even make it 24 hours. Beware this cycle gets worse and weird and then it was my fault etc...untreated alcoholism never ever gets better and it can get horribly bad. If someone tells me an alcoholic got sober without treatment and or AA I just accept that that is their belief, but know in my mind the alcoholic may be slowing down for a time but he is NOT "cured" .
Why wouldn't he stop drinking so I had some stability oh, stability the one thing I longed for, dreamed of wanted most of all in my life. I have it now because it is in my heart, comes from my higher power and in IN me... AS to why will he not stp... The answer I learned from Alanon was "because he can not stop" ... for me it became why won't I leave this relationship because I can't seem to be the best me for me, my children and those I love in this relationship" and that took a long time to work out in my mind and heart. AND I will tell you I was very depressed for a long time after I / we ended it... and I tried to crawl back knowing I shouldn't and it was a mess... I'm better now I'm just saying leaving was not the magic cure,,, it was only the first step and not the hardest step,,, the harder ones were putting my life back together. Some people will tell you to take care of yourself and get yourself together before making any big life changes if you can this is ideal!!! ( I just couldn't get myself together and stay with him at the same time).
adult children don't want to hear anything negative about their dad-- In my experience NO ONE outside of alanon understands, and it made me seem like the crazy one to try.I know now, a person has to be living the pain and rejection of loving an alcoholic to understand.. really I lost friends, family really looked down on me.. it took a while to regain my self image and rebuild any positive relationships because I stayed too long! NOW everyone sees that I've changed but alonon is still the only place that understands what has happened to me.
I do NOT walk around with a victim mentality. I am just trying to explain that I have no support- people here understand this!!! You don't even have to say it unless you just want to, we know!!
I guess I am just asking for advice. Do I leave? I just feel like I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone. I am totally alone but everyone thinks things here are fine. I also was so alone in the relationship,, and it was about 2 years I guess before I really became the real me and was ready for a new one (maybe because I stayed sooo much toooo long in the alcoholic relationship.). Now I'm in this really great relationship that is fun, secure and healthy, but if it ended I would still be okay.. you can't imagine the power in this.. my best relationship is with my higher power and with myself ( I still fall back into old ways sometime, but move on rather quickly now thanks to my hp and alanon).
I'm just really confused and don't really know where to turn. Actually you have turned to the right place, and you probably do know what to do inside you somewhere...you just have to find out what your "pay off " for staying is, and is it enough to continue to pay what your paying now?
Alanon has some great tools for getting yourself together.... and some people will tell you their loved one got sober, those were few in my view and the ones who I met that did say that still did not have the life I wanted! and I realized my alcoholic loved one, even if sober would still need so much intense counseling due to his family life growing up and also very likely some kind of serious mental illness... I determined out was best and I can't tell you how much better life is!
I too wanted to be as concise as possible and still share my experience strength and hope with you,, I understand how you feel.. Blessings are being sent your way .
Welcome! You have had some beautiful responses and understand you are not alone. Meetings and sponsorship are absolutely essential for your recovery. I entered al anon with the same questions and torment, it was excruciating. I relaxed when I began working my recovery from my addictive patterns in my marriage and actually all of my relationships. I have learned how I do anything is how I do everything.....I was addicted to fixing my husband, my family, my friends, my home, my workplace, etc etc etc. Life was a very big undertaking for me You have many pulls on your energies right now so be gentle and loving with you. Keep coming back!
Welcome,
I haven't been in Al-Anon long, but have found it such an amazing help as I deal with many of the same issues you're struggling with: the endless, circular, confusing, miserable "do I stay or do I go?" questions that have been dominating my life for years now. One thing I've found since turning to Al-Anon (and therapy, which has also helped a lot) is that it's okay not to have the answer. It's okay and enough to just get through each day. I've stopped putting so much pressure on myself to make any decision. And I've started taking care of myself in the meantime. I don't know where my AH and I will end up, but I do know that taking my time, for myself, can only help me. Reading posts here, hearing stories here and in meetings that are so similar to mine, knowing, finally, that I'm not the crazy one...it all helps. Slowly but surely. Hang in there, Robyn, and keep coming back.
I cannot tell you how much I appreciate your responses. It means so much...but it sounds like you all have been where I'm at and there is comfort in that. I found a 'beginners' meeting in my small town. It is Wednesday evening and I have that evening off work so I am going. I have planned to go a dozen other times but the thought is scary, I don't know why, but it is.
Life is hard, for sure. I have been trying to work on myself for several years, and I guess it's never wasted but it doesn't seem to ever get any easier. I know you all know that feeling.
For some reason I always appear to be the 'bad guy' because I appear moody and always upset at someone. Life has become a charade in order to stay connected to my children and grandchildren. It's nice to be able to be real here. I'm certainly no saint, but I'm not as crazy as i appear either! They just don't see all the pieces of the puzzle because their dad appears so nice and caring. You know....I'm hopeful about the situation and I do have a great relationship with my HP and don't know what I would do if I didn't.
Again, thank you so much for responding. It means so much.
It has been said that the person living with an alcoholic is the first clue to others that there is a problem of alcoholism in the family. Admitting that my emotional live had become unmanageable and that I needed help was difficult and true. It was much easier to see that he had a problem than for me to see that I did. Fortunately, things got so hard for me, I surrendered my fear and went to Al-Anon meetings. It was foreign at first to hear what I did and by continued going to meetings, I began to hear what I needed to hear for me. I knew I belonged in the meetings and my emotional life became more and more peaceful and grateful. Sometimes, we need to feel our fear and do something new anyway. Keep checking in here, too.
You have many pulls on your energies right now so be gentle and loving with you. Keep coming back!