The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well, he's downstairs playing a computer game. We got home 20 minutes ago from a two day trip, he disappeared and I thought he was helping to take care of the dogs so I unpacked everything, he didn't show up so I called to see if he was ok (you never know, he could have fallen downstairs and cracked his head open) and he was on his computer playing a game. In the past two days I've heard how when I was upset at him, it was about my daughter; how when I was assuming it was obvious that I was losing money on a house I am selling, it was about me not paying attention to the fact that I was losing money; how I was "ruining" some air filters by putting them on the floor so could vacuum the spot they were occupying, it was about me wasting money and not vacuuming the spot to clean it of chips of lead paint (I thought of telling him that a divorce is more expensive than air filters). I was doing pretty good taking care of my own feelings and not trying to get into his head, not buying into the hooks, not letting myself turn into the angry/disappointed/sad person my mom was because I well know I can't afford to go down that slippery slope, until he had to tell me to eat half of my dinner to lose weight, that if I eat too much my stomach will stay stretched out and I will want to eat more (I have lost 28# in 8 months and I absolutely know what I can and won't eat to keep up the success streak). When I got pissed/hurt he had to tell me that it was on me that I felt that way (he is a drug and alcohol counselor with 30 years clean and sober). Excuse me, a dry drunk is a dry drunk. I can't afford one for myself, but I'm still pissed and the hurt came back with a vengeance when I realized he was playing a computer game. Now I'm trying to not feel like a martyr, dip into self pity, or think about ways I can be single, but I'm failing. I don't have an Al Anon sponsor so I got online to find some Al Anon sanity. HELP!!!!!
so how would you like it to be going for you right now?....honestly. What do you have to do to get that? My inventory process when I get cross blocked off the journey of my life. It's true that what we do comes from a choice to do it regardless of the pressure. When I learned to slow down and think and then respond rather than just react the outcomes were a ton more acceptable...not perfect...acceptable. Being married to a substance abuse counselor who is also a "recovering" substance abuser is a bit more tricky cause when we consider that we are getting paid for all of our great intelligence and good looks and have the office and swivel chair as evidence we're toast and don't know it. Sometimes we think "OMG I've arrived only to learn that we are a breath width away from asking for the next drink"...now he's doing gaming...often another addiction. How do I know that...experience. Don't have the office anymore or the swivel chair or the bucks and I don't miss it. Don't do very much anymore to threaten my recovery especially trying to enlarge my ego and pride.
Want to stop feeling like a martyr? stay away from crosses and flaming pyres and keep practicing..."It's not worth dying over". No is a complete sentence. ((((hugs)))) Keep coming back.
Added...When and If you get the sense that he is therapizing you?....stand straight up in front of him so that he can clearly see you. Raise either your left of right hand in the stop sign (your choice which) and say with personal authority...I am a partner...not a client...and then calmly turn and walk away. You're done now.
-- Edited by Jerry F on Monday 4th of August 2014 01:13:12 AM
-- Edited by Jerry F on Monday 4th of August 2014 01:16:37 AM
WWWC, Thanks for sharing your process. You did well to not react to all the hooks. Your tools worked well, not to mention how fantastic it is that you lost so much weight in that brief time Congrats.
I find that at times like that, an asset and gratitude list works wonders. It takes my concentration off my inner rage and directs it to something positive in myself--- before long I find I am free. Glad you are here.
Welcome! I am glad you found us and thank you for your share. Betty and Jerry's responses are good reminders for me. A sponsor was invaluable in helping me through those times of martyrdom....sounds like you may know that to be true for you, too!
You: "I notice that there are all sorts of ways you see that I can change and I appreciate your viewpoint. Of course, I probably won't make any of those changes that you see I could make so please don't take it personally. It's not about you as you know. I'm just being true to myself as I am today. I'll probably be sticking to that commitment to myself tomorrow, too, just so you'll know." Him: ??????? You: "Welp, time to go put more air filters on the floor. Love ya."
If I don't sacrifice my self respect, there is no need for the anger. I don't think I ever made that connection until thinking about your comments, so thank you everyone. Last night I found some privacy and did the 11th step, it made a difference, along with posting the note to you all on the web. Both of us will most definitely benefit by reminding him that this is home, and we are partners, when and if the occasion warrants it. I know that gaming is an issue, so does he. Today AlAnon is at the top of my gratitude list because it again has kept me focusing in the right direction.
I'm guessing there must be some good things about your partner, that lead to your choosing to stay with him? Of course we're only getting a partial picture out here because we don't know you or the whole situation. Those things you're describing don't sound fun to live with in fact they sound sad and demoralizing. I think anyone who could shrug them off as "That's as good as life gets" would be in a bad spot, so it's natural that you're recognizing that he's behaving like a *****.
But remember that the power is in your hands -- you can decide whether to stay or to go. If there are things that compensate for this kind of bad behavior, those are important to add into the picture. If there aren't... that's also something to consider.
Thank you for pointing that out. We actually have a good relationship and are happy most of the time. It's the intermittent periods where he starts going backwards, or I do, that lead to trying times like last weekend (considering where we each came from, it is a little scary to think of going backwards). A friend pointed out that blaming or "deflecting" are defenses against the fear of abandonment, which is part of the issue. My degree of detachment frees me up to have more compassion, and though anger isn't necessarily bad or wrong, I can't afford to let it go unchecked or without identifying what may really be going on for me and dealing with it as productively as I can. Last weekend I lost my perspective and needed help. We both work a 12-step program (I'm a double winner with AA and Al Anon). Usually we work on our own stuff and avoid dumping on the other person, but it happens. My current challenge is seeing my own judgmental attitudes and working on open-mindedness and humility. We also both work and I haven't been going to meetings, so finding Al Anon on the web is a welcome resource.
Well, he's downstairs playing a computer game. We got home 20 minutes ago from a two day trip, he disappeared and I thought he was helping to take care of the dogs so I unpacked everything, he didn't show up so I called to see if he was ok (you never know, he could have fallen downstairs and cracked his head open) and he was on his computer playing a game. In the past two days I've heard how when I was upset at him, it was about my daughter; how when I was assuming it was obvious that I was losing money on a house I am selling, it was about me not paying attention to the fact that I was losing money; how I was "ruining" some air filters by putting them on the floor so could vacuum the spot they were occupying, it was about me wasting money and not vacuuming the spot to clean it of chips of lead paint (I thought of telling him that a divorce is more expensive than air filters). I was doing pretty good taking care of my own feelings and not trying to get into his head, not buying into the hooks, not letting myself turn into the angry/disappointed/sad person my mom was because I well know I can't afford to go down that slippery slope, until he had to tell me to eat half of my dinner to lose weight, that if I eat too much my stomach will stay stretched out and I will want to eat more (I have lost 28# in 8 months and I absolutely know what I can and won't eat to keep up the success streak). When I got pissed/hurt he had to tell me that it was on me that I felt that way (he is a drug and alcohol counselor with 30 years clean and sober). Excuse me, a dry drunk is a dry drunk. I can't afford one for myself, but I'm still pissed and the hurt came back with a vengeance when I realized he was playing a computer game. Now I'm trying to not feel like a martyr, dip into self pity, or think about ways I can be single, but I'm failing. I don't have an Al Anon sponsor so I got online to find some Al Anon sanity. HELP!!!!!
