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My husband is a very active alcoholic. But he does hold down a very good job. I've been married to him for 26 years. He drinks from the time he comes home from work til he goes to bed. And on the weekends - Friday night to Sunday night. He has recently started to get sicker, losing weight, no appetite, sleeps. I should also mention he is very heavy smoker. Last weekend I had a meltdown and just couldn't be around him anymore. So I left for a while, packed a bag and tried to stay with my oldest daughter. I took our truck, which after a while my youngest daughter came to talk to me and the only thing she could say was to get the truck home before bad weather hit as it should be in the garage. I did that and took our old beater car. I went back to my oldest daughter house and took a nap. While I was sleeping they came to my house and cooked supper for my AH and hung out with him. Now I don't want them to pick sides - but I got their message loud and clear. In fact my eldest daughter told me that dad drank because I was not fun to live with either (I suffer from depression and anxiety). And that dad drank because of this. They want me at home to take care of their father. Boy did that hurt. Now I know my kids love me but have little respect for me because over the years I have been such a doormat, and have ended up in the hospital for my depression. How do I deal with this? This weekend my AH did not leave the kitchen - just sat and drank - all day. I kept busy cleaning house and doing yard work. Today he's in bed because he does not feel good. I'm not nuts - what kind of life is this for me? I have watched my father die of alcoholism and I can't watch someone else die from it too.
Ive experienced this with my children too. Its another thing your powerless over. Alcoholism has effected them and they show signs of codependancy with their father, my children did too. Its all part of the disease. If you want to be free of this disease you may need to get your own place and let your kids do whatever they want for or with their father. Your not on tbis earth to be a crutch for sick people, you staying with your husband makes life easier for everyone but you, it keeps the denial swept under for a while longer but you have a right and a duty to be happy and have a good life regardless what anyone, especially other sick people say. Remember, you cant rely on anyone else for your peace or happiness or mental health, its up to you to set boundaries and take action that provides you with serenity.x
It is not easy ignoring the opinions of others when we begin to make healthier choices for us. The tribe does not like change, because they perceive their survival to be at risk. I have found, though, in time, as I exercise self love, so do they. No family likes change, that is just the way it is. The discomfort and pain they know becomes the "comfort" of choice....just like us. I know this is painful...keep reaching for higher ground for you. Others will follow or not...we don't have to hang out in the muck to make anyone happy.
-- Edited by PP on Sunday 3rd of August 2014 08:21:06 PM
Maybe if you let your kids take care of him for awhile they will get some eye openers and start to change their tunes. Or not. But its worth it so you don't have to.
The children know and children very often are also natural enablers...care takers. Historically the man, the father is the center of power in the family and gets the attention. Everyone must hold him up inspite of the intuition that he should hold himself up. They know he drinks without boundary...they watch it as you do and they depend on you for what they are powerless of...saving him. You see him sick and loosing weight and more and they see it also. They do not have as much time in the problem as your do so their experience is less. If you are attending face to face meetings in the AFG I would suggest seeing if they have literature for the children, "What's drunk Mama"? is a pamphlet and the Alateens have their own daily reader. If AA is in your town, if you know how to contact them you could ask if they have men in the fellowship who do 12 step calls...wet or dry. I've done these and you don't know how it can turn out until after it is done. Just some ideas along with take care of yourself. Alcoholism, we believe is a family disease...it affects everything it comes into contact with. Prayers for you and your family.
Your post would make a great national advertisement on the deadly side of alcohol addiction.
I may get Mother mud thrown at me for this, but I truly do not think the marriage between two adults is the business of their adult children or the neighbors or church members or outside family members. What I do see here are adult children tending to their sick father because he is all the father they have. Their relationship to him is different than his relationship to you. Trying to explain that you are not the cause of his alcoholism or can you cure it or control it to your children right now would probably fall on deaf ears. Doing what you need to do to take care of yourself is good program work and I applaud you for that. Maybe you did allow yourself to be mistreated at some point in the history of your marriage, but from wht I've read in your posts, it appears to me that you have changed that for yourself? You can't change the past but you can certainly notice the changes you have made that are healthy for you today and celebrate your progress. As far as the comment that "You weren't any fun to live with either," well, this might have been true from time to time but my question is: "Who says we need to be fun to live with?" You have done the best you can with what you've had to work with and its been good enough to give birth to children, raise them and get to this place in your life where you are seeing its your turn now to take good care of you and build yourself up. I hope you are doing gratitude and asset lists daily and finding something to do that would be fun for you, too? (((SL)))
Thanks everyone for your responses - they made me feel much better and clarified my kids reactions. Of course they are trying to take care of their father - they love him. But you're right it can't be at my expense. Like -PP - said the tribe doesn't like changes. I get a kick out of that - no not everyone likes change. But I know deep down I can't keep going on this track - its too destructive for me. Brings up too many bad memories and I know what the effects of alcohol can do to a person. Right now my emotional base is too fragile to handle this, and I'm going to circle my wagons around myself and get stronger. I have been coming to MIP for a while now and can see the craziness I live in more clearly. I think I'm more emotional now because I've opened some doors that I've kept closed for years and its been hard to deal with. But the responses, support and wisdom I obtain from here is amazing and keeps me going.
(((Slow Learner)) I agree with all that has been said and so understand how the children take sides to keep the status quo. I would suggest that your children read some alanon literature such as "Alcoholism the Family Disease" and attend some alateen or alanon meetings . It is here that they will be able too develop some additional positive coping tools to live by This definitely is a family disease. Keep showing up
Kenny has a good idea. Maybe your kids should take care of him more so they understand. Might work. My AH sleeps a lot too even when he isn't drinking. I know how you feel.
