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My H was supposed to work late and come home late the night before the wedding. But they have a change in the work and he finished early and came home early instead of going to the bar. The result was that in the following morning, he woke up early and fresh and we all got ready to the wedding normally. I was not anxious or even thought about having a 'talk' with him about drinking at the wedding. The old me would have given ultimatums even before getting off the bed in the morning.
We got early to the wedding and most people were in a nearby bar drinking. He did not want to go there when it was suggested by the groom. We went inside the venue and waited for 1 hour (the ceremony were delayed) and H drank soft drinks.
During dinner and throughout the night, H drank alcohol of course and he did get high. There were a few moments when I started keeping an watchful eye, but quickly snapped out of it. There were a few moments when I looked at him having conversations with other people and I wondered what kind of rubbish they were talking about, but then I reminded myself that I luckily I didn't need to be there listening to drunken chat - the majority of guest in the wedding were drinking a lot as usual -
I saw a great change on me yesterday. I did not mention his drinking at all and just let him be. I didn't how many drinks he was having and didn't let his intoxicated state bother me when it was all over. He is not me or part of me, I think I am detaching.
We did not have any arguments at all. Maybe there is hope. The old me would have had lots of issues yesterday, and would try and control every minute of the day and I can now see how sick the old me was.
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Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must but take the step.
And guess what? He is already drinking again! ~surprise...~
It is 13 hours since we get home from the wedding, he already gone to the shops to buy drinks and is already drinking...
It is not immensely bothering me, I can just hope he will not turn unpleasant later on, and if he does, I will need to use my tools.
But it still baffles me, how their body and brain cope with so much alcohol.
Tomorrow he has a day off, so more hours in a day for drinking.
And the family trip for summer holidays is soon and their family encourage a lot of drinking too.
I can just cry at all this money spent on alcohol.
__________________
Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must but take the step.
Well he managed to spoil it all. Yesterday, Sunday, one day after the wedding, we were all tired and decided to have a chill out day at home and not do anything in particular, just relax. Daughter wanted to spend most of the time with him in front of the TV because I was spending my time reading. However, she is 7 and you can't totally chill for a long time in peace with a 7 year old with you, I know it, so he wasn't as patient as he usually is, maybe he was hangover. When was time for me to put daughter to bed, she didn't want to go and cried, and he had a go at me, because now he could finally relax and watch his TV program without her but I was making her cry instead of just put her to bed (?????????) (she was misbehaving, and I would rather her to cry and learn how to behave then give in her misbehaviour so he can watch his TV in peace). I didn't react to him, just made daughter calm down and put her to bed.
Then went to him and told him that his attitude was unnecessary. He said sorry and tried to say 'but' and was about to give me a lot of excuses, so I told him that I accepted his apologies and didn't want to hear any 'buts', his attitude was unnecessary and that is it. Off I went to the bedroom and left him alone.
So today, Monday, he didn't have to go to work. Daughter and I spent the whole day out meeting with friends. Left home in the morning before he woke up. Came home nearly 7pm and he was watching TV. As soon as we came from the door he was suddenly so tired he went to bed to sleep (he spent the whole day watching TV and didn't do anything else by the way). I gave daughter a bath and cooked her dinner. When it was bed time he came out of the bedroom complaining I was talking to loudly (I wasn't) and I woke him up. He spent maximum 5 minutes with daughter and I put her to bed. I really think he made the excuse of being tired and sleepy and then suddenly 'I woke him up" because he didn't want to spend any of his precious time with us. And I must add: He has not being drinking loads yesterday nor today.
And here I am thinking: what is the point being nice? live and let live? being understanding? He can't manage to be nice for two days in a row....
I am finding it very difficult to work hard on myself for little change. I deserve better than this. I am so angry at my own choices. I didn't need to be with this person never mind have a child with him. Can't forgive myself for being o stupid and make such a bad choice.
-- Edited by Luiza on Monday 4th of August 2014 05:44:18 PM
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Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must but take the step.
Luiza: How do you know you made a bad choice? What if the man you live with now is the man who is actually going to help you become the best you can be and do things you never saw yourself doing that will be good for you and others, too? What if you married the man who was perfect for you and for giving form and shape to the daughter who is yours now? I'm not saying you are meant to live with him forever - maybe not. But if he is helping you wake up to wanting better for yourself and for your daughter, then perhaps he will be someone you will be grateful you met and lived with and had a child with later, if not now?
I know we like to decide if things are good or bad for us but can we really decide that? We can discover that our experiences are less than we hoped for or excruciatingly difficult, challenging or painful and their opposites. I'm just not sure anymore that I can decide I've made a good choice or a bad one. I can just decide to make the best of something, learn the lessons contained within the circumstances, integrate them and then make a new choice based on what I've learned thus far.
He's grumpy. He's been drinking. He's being unreasonable. He's being an A. His business.
You've gone out with friends, taken care of your daughter and enjoyed a large portion of your day. Now you're checking in with us. Your business.
How else can you spend the final hours of this day that can help you feel good about you without wanting him to be any different than he is being now?
Good points ~ grateful2be ~ thank you. I will reflect on your words.
I feel very uneasy about reading "what if you married the man who was perfect for you" because I don't have much respect for him I must admit, but thinking about it, up to not long ago, I didn't have much respect for myself either...
Also, I feel like I have always had very low expectations of myself, and very high expectations of others, but yes, I know we can not search happiness outside ourselves. I know it.
Maybe I just need to abandon my old teenage dreams of living in a perfect family with a partner that ticks all the boxes of my list of qualities.
I had fun at the wedding and happy for the bride who is my friend but to be totally honest, it affected me a lot and made me think a lot about marriage (as if I didn't already worried enough), partnership, family, love...
Maybe my husband was affected too.
__________________
Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must but take the step.
I felt like that too for a while, like what was I thinking, why did I spend almost 20 years with him, living this life and giving my kids the childhood they had in an alcoholic home. I had to forgive myself, I was sick too, the symptoms of alcoholism for me are within me and I will need to fight them off my whole life, thats why I am a member of Alanon. I wont live with alcoholism, I cant, its a direct threat to my serenity and my serenity is too precious and fleeting at times to risk.
I suggest thinking of live and let live as a way to take your eyes and mind off him, whatever he chooses to do like sleep, avoid the family etc is probably a result of his own disease, not a lot you can do about that but your own disease is there for you and you have the power to make changes in your own thought processes that will make the days better for you. You dont have to let his mood, actions, non actions etc affect you, this is your own choice. Its a tricky one to accept because I know i spent years expecting my ex husband to make me feel happy, wanted, loved. He never ever had that in him to give me and I had no right expecting it from him. That job was mine, it always has been. Its also hard to accept with active alcoholism how can they be good fathers? its a complete contradiction in my eyes, they dont have it to give. Recovery, sobriety and a program to deal with the underlying issues is the only hope I think, everything else is very shaky and most likely part of the pretence, without comitting to recovery then all the promises in the world mean nothing. Im sorry your living with this, I truly know where your coming from and its hard but it doesnt have to be this way, its not hopeless, not with Alanon in the world.x
-- Edited by el-cee on Monday 4th of August 2014 06:08:52 PM
Exactly. He is a "good" father. He is still working/providing etc. He doesn't bully our daughter, he is not aggressive to her, they have fun together etc.
However if I was not in the picture, her life would probably be school-home-tv with a few trips to the shops to buy alcohol. At least this is what it is when he is in charge. He knows I will provide the stimulation and interesting experiences that will enrich her childhood. The most he can do to her is pass her the remote control and let her choose the TV channel. I am sure she would learn to sense a hangover and be extra quiet to avoid his grumpiness. I just pray to God, not to take me before she is an adult and independent, hopefully knowing Al-Anon is there for her.
-- Edited by Luiza on Monday 4th of August 2014 06:27:27 PM
__________________
Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must but take the step.
He sounds like the kind of father my ex was too. I wish, childish but I do wish that i had gotten Alanon when my kids were young because I could show them how to deal with alcoholism if I chose to stay that is. I would teach my kids the tools Ive learned. If I had gotten healthy earlier I would probably have left earlier. Its useless to think back and wish. I am teaching them the tools now and im grateful for that. My daughter was talking about her Dad the other day and she was saying she remembers how when her dad walked into the room the atmosphere changed. Any fun or noise stopped, even the dog quietened down. His very aura was negative and then in turn mines was and in turn the kids were affected by both of us. Its sad because Im sure they dont want to affect their kids anymore than we do, but they are affected. I recommend Alanon to all mothers of young kids, the kids can have a good childhood with one sane parent.x
I am now having memories of my A father.
Sometimes I see my daughter playing up, being mischief, playing game with husband and I freeze...I think she is going to get shouted at or worse very soon if she doesn't stop. Instead my H laughs and plays. I realise my feelings are from the child in me, the little kid that would have all the joy sucked out of her when dad was around.
I remember we had a routine at home...as soon as dad came in from work, it was bed time. We just went to the bedroom.
My H still isn't that bad. When he is grumpy (probably hangover?) he just stays alone and doesn't interact. Very rarely like yesterday, he is a bit impatient but he managed to direct his nastiness to me instead of daughter, I prefer this way.
I am getting healthier. Shame I didn't start earlier but will focus on NOW. He can see I am improving. But what is he going to do?
I am a bit scared of the week away for the family holidays, but I will let his family see how much better and healthier I am now and how sick he is. I won't cover up and will carry on working on me. This is another step towards me breaking free. I don't think we will be together much longer.
__________________
Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must but take the step.
