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Post Info TOPIC: Picking Up The Car The Next Day


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Picking Up The Car The Next Day


My husband had to be driven home by a friend last night. I'm sure he will want me to take him to pick up his car tomorrow. If I drive him to get the car is that enabling? I'm glad he didn't drive drunk. I feel like taking him to get the car is rescuing him. Dealing with this whole issue of drinking and driving or not is hard. I guess the only thing making me confused about this is all the stuff I read about not making the alcoholic feel any worse than they already do about their drinking. I wonder if by not taking him I am doing that. I know if I don't go I have to say it it in a very calm, matter of fact way and not with anger.



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~*Service Worker*~

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For me I choose not to take those kinda of actions. When my STBAX popped a tire on the van God only knows what he hit .. I left the house with the kids, with a good friend. I let him know I had all the confidence that he would get that tire fixed and somehow I stayed out of it. That was before alanon .. I got sicker and would be driving him around .. the last time I did that was when he got in his "accident". Knowing what I know now .. I don't think it makes them feel worse .. I think it helps them feel they are capable of figuring it out. When I get the sob story texts now .. I say I'm sorry you feel that way. I know you will figure it out. It is still hard not to rush in .. that's what has helped me .. I'm not my STBAX's HP he has his own journey. Take what you like hugs ..:)

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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism.  If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown

"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop



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Thank you for sharing your experience. It helps a lot.

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Well, I told him I didn't want to go with him to pick up the car because I don't want to be a part of making it easier for him to drink until he can't function. Maybe that wasn't the best way to say it. He got very angry. He doesn't get very angry easily or often. I tried to be firm about it but caved. I know I did the wrong thing because I feel sick to my stomach about it. He called a few people to take him and no one would answer the phone. I finely gave in and said I would take him but I would never do this again. Of course, he has no reason to believe me because I said I wouldn't take him the first time and backed down. I know I shouldn't have done it. When I said I didn't want to do it he said he didn't want to go to Chicago tomorrow. I am supposed to go for work and he is going with me. He knows that I don't want to go alone. He knew how to get to me.

There is a meeting here at 7pm. I know I need to go and I am looking for every excuse I can come up with not to go. I know I am so lucky that this only happens every 6-8 months and he doesn't get angry that often. But, it makes it that much harder to know how to cope when it does happen. I don't feel like I get a lot of opportunity to "practice". And, it makes it hard to focus on trying to help myself when it isn't a constant everyday thing. But, I'm scared to death that it could end up that way if I don't make the right choices now.

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~*Service Worker*~

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I learned that I was a people pleaser early on in the program. That developed as a young child because I didn't like being in trouble, being yelled at, suffering the silent treatment or being punished. As I got older, I still practiced this defect and it only seemed to bother me when something "big" according to my thoughts happened. Truth was that I was compromising every day on lots of things and would just stuff how I really felt about saying yes when I really wanted to say no. I might have needed to become a people pleaser to some degree as a child to survive, but as an adult I learned that the only person I needed to please was me and if that meant saying no and sticking to it even if the whole world got angry and disagreed, I was willing to pay that cost. Al-Anon helped me find my voice again, inventory my motives for saying yes or no, and acting on my choices. That doesn't mean I'm always comfortable with my yes or no - I'm still a person who values peaceful and loving relationships - but it's me I have to spend 24 hours a day with and I'd rather be at peace with me than people outside of me. Keep on practicing your nos and trying to stay with them. We practice a progress not perfection program here. (((ITF)))

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"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig



~*Service Worker*~

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Ohhh ITF .. I should have added something to my original post .. again for ME .. it's just like Grateful said .. it's not always the right answer for everyone. When I now am faced with these situations I turn to my books, my sponsor or a trusted Alanon friend. I have to live with the consequences of the boundaries that I set .. good, bad or different. One of the biggest things I ask myself when dealing with the am I enabling question is .. am I doing for someone else what they can do for themselves. A's believe what you show them .. I believe what the A says .. I have had to learn to listen with my eyes and shut my ears to a point. If the action doesn't back the words .. then it is what it is .. with an A and setting boundaries .. I have to work so much harder to show my actions .. vs saying things I don't mean. Say what you mean, mean what you say, don't say it mean. I have to check in with my sponsor usually the first thing I want to say isn't the right thing .. LOL!! it's usually not very nice.

Hugs S :)

PS - I hope you found a meeting and you have a sponsor it really makes a difference I have heard wonderful things about the Chicago meetings as I'm down south from you. Any chance you are coming to the State Convention .. PM me the District I belong to is the one putting it on this year. We had SOOO much fun last year!!!



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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism.  If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown

"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop



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Grateful, I always find your posts to be so full of wisdom. Thank you! I am such a people pleaser. I don't know why I can't stand the feeling of having someone unhappy with me. I have always associated it with being the oldest child in the family. Serenity, thank you again for sharing your experiences. (I will message you tomorrow. I am tired right now.) When he came home everything was sunshine and roses again as if it never happened. I hate the way these drunken episodes are forgotten so quickly and he pretends they never happen. This was a big one for him. Not only was there the trip to get the car but he lost his phone last night and was without it almost all day. He is glued to his phone for work so I know it was driving him crazy even though he said nothing. I know it doesn't sound like big stuff compared to what some people go through and I'm thankful for that. I hope it makes him think about what he is doing but I think the reality is that it will just postpone the next episode for another 6 months. I have to work on detaching. It is so hard when it requires me to do something that doesn't feel like my natural behavior. It makes me sad that I have to do it. It also makes me so angry that I feel like I'm not allowed to display any anger or emotion about any of this but he can get mad at me for putting him out and not wanting to take him to get the car. I feel like there is no thought given to how he puts me out by filling me with worry and fear. (I have told him this and don't harp on it.) I am just rambling now and I know I need to be in control of myself and not let his behavior control me. But, it feels good to let it out. Thanks for listening.

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~*Service Worker*~

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ITF...try this thought along with the others...If he has the time, the ability and the facility to take care of the situation...allow him the dignity of doing that.  (((hugs))) smile



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Thanks Jerry. I will try to remember that. Everyone here always has such great insight. I truly appreciate it.


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~*Service Worker*~

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I don't know the reason for you but for me as a firstborn it had to do with being abused for being me. I didn't fit into the mold of who I was supposed to be according to the expectations of others. I didn't walk right, talk right, act right, think right, feel right, look right or fit in right. I kept trying to put my round little body into the square box of ego's trappings. Of course, it never worked. Like a jill-in-the box, the real me popped up and out of the box when I got wound up tight. You will probably do the same thing. Don't let old shaming and admonitions and warnings to be different than you truly are keep your beautiful and different self from coming to the surface and smiling at yourself and the people in your world who are also operating out of that "I'm not okay" shame-based belief system if that is what is happening for you? If you don't want to spend your precious time picking up your H's car because he has chosen to go drinking for the night - well, then - you don't. If he gets mad about it and tries to push the real you back down in the box of his expectations and threatens staying home from a trip you'd like him to go on with you - well, then - let him threaten and holler - and go on the trip with the knowledge that you will be just fine on it without him. There will be other occasions to continue practicing this being true to yourself stuff. The lessons and opportunities to practice just keep repeating themselves until we get it and we're good at it. (((ITF)))

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"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig



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Grateful, growing up I had such a normal life. No abuse, no addiction, none of that in my family. I am very lucky. It contributes to the how did I end up here feelings. Of course, life wasn't perfect. No one's is. There was still "stuff". My parents were very overprotective. It is possible after reading what you said and thinking about it that there was a lot of needing to fit into a certain box passed down to me. I will think about that some more.

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~*Service Worker*~

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Great post and responses. I loved what grateful said about the box, I can relate to those boxes and it feels good to be free of them, finding myself without theboxes. Thanks for sharing.x

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~*Service Worker*~

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Abuse for me had more to do with the cultural expectations of a girl child and the parochial/patriarchal system I was born into at the time.  I've done everything I was told I couldn't do and more.  That's the beauty of popping out of the box - nobody can ever predict when that will happen and when it happens it's too late to stuff down the spontaneity and soulful gifts that a person being shoved down and listening deep within will spring up to deliver.  The more we listen to that quiet inner voice within us, the more we stop fearing and start appreciating the gift to the world that we are.  I am glad you are here and listening with us to that inner pull that releases us from the disease's lies and helps us see what miracles in progress we all are in this family. 



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"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig



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Hello!

 

I read your post and wanted to respond really quick. It is great to hear that you have started to set some boundaries with him, telling him that "next time I won't help". This is your opportunity to stick to the boundary and not cave. I know in the beginning when setting boundaries it is tough to follow through BUT he will not take you seriously if you don't stick to the plan. Look at this as an opportunity to understand what he is doing. As long as you are there to bail him out all of the time, he will have no reason to change his behavior. You have not allowed him to take care of himself. Stating again, "I will not help next time your drinking causes issues" is a good way to allow him to make better choices. If he decides to make bad choices, he can be an adult and take care of that bad choice without your help next time. You can say that you told him what would happen and just stick to the boundary.

 

You mentioned you felt sick when you "caved".......I know doing the right thing is hard but it's what is right in this situation.

 

hugs,

 

Tina



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