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I just got paid ,abf has no job he has been jobless for mths he had been going and going but no money I'm just finding out the truth of why he had been going a lot the ppl he was running with they were on meth I dunno about all of them but my bf hung with them he has been promising saying he has a job coming up but I don't see him working or going to work he now stays at home here with me day in day out because he has been broke he asked me to borrow 30.00 a mth ago he would pay me right back but never did he asked me to borrow anorher30.00 2 weeks later I said NO that yup still owe me 30 he said he would pay me a 100.00 the next day back I still didn't give in and he never had a 100 he was broke from then on then i got paid friday and he got all very nicey nicey and asked to borrow 20.00 I gave into him said he would pay me back still hasn't but I knew he had money coming to him from a job he did so today he asked to borrow a few dollars and I gave him 3.00 he said he reckoned that would have to do,but that he had to have it for gas to be able to go get his money from the man that owed him for a job.he has been gone all day it's now 10 pm and still haven't heard or seen him.i may have just gotten beat again out of my money I just feel soo dumb right now for giveing in.but now he just may come in with my money tonight,am I fooling myself i,am I allowing him to do this to me ,I think I'm going crazy.I don't know what to do now .he had went from being sulled up and treating me badly to being the man I knew as being good to me doing for me loveing me right after he knew I got my check.
I'm sorry this happened to you and that you're feeling badly about it. Ok... listen... first of all, you're not stupid. So many of us have gotten sucked in by the begging and promises and either loaned money or given money lookingup so please don't be so hard on yourself. Maybe think about what you'll do if he asks again. If you want to say no to him next time and yes to you that is not selfish. ((hugs))) TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Looking the disease is called, "cunning, powerful and baffling" and I learned that was the description of what both my alcoholic/addict did and what I did in response. Al-Anon taught and coached me on changing my part and she continued to do what she did regardless of my expectations. When I changed my behaviors my expectations changed also. I acted as if she was still drinking and using and she did. I expected that she would and she did. I acted as if I didn't want to be a part of it anymore and I didn't and things changed dramatically. When I started "acting out" my No's she stopped expecting me to support her drinking and using. She had to do something else and believe me the survivorship in addiction is strong and cunning. They can and will find people, places and things to support the addiction regardless of our morals and values. My sponsor taught me not to lend my alcoholic/addict anything..."give it without expectations of return or don't give it at all". This is self sanity protection. I hated living with resentments and expecting the alcoholic/addict to fulfill her promises was a resentment in the making. You're not stupid...You're addicted and you are here to break that addiction. Keep coming back. (((((hugs)))))
How would you feel if the title of your post was 'I'm kind and generous'? That is what I think you are. A kind generous person.
When my husband has asked me to do something I listen to how it makes me feel. How do I feel about myself if I do it? How do I feel about myself if I don't do it? I base my actions on my answers to those two questions. If I choose to lend him money I don't expect it back regardless of what he says. If I have reached a point where that is likely to make me feel resentful then my awareness of that also shapes my decision.
I like TT's suggestion about planning how to respond if it happens again.
Be kind to yourself Lookingup - we have all done the same thing.
Thats what addicts do. They are nice when they want something that feeds there addictions in some way and then when your of no use they treat you like rubbish. Its part of the disease , not a lot you can do to change him. You can change you though, giving in and giving him money is part of your own disease, feeling hurt and stupid is also part of your disease. Ive been there for years but now I see it all objectively for most of the time. He is what he is, your powerless but you can do so much to protect yourself fro this behaviour and shabby treatment.
Boundaries came for me after I got some self worth through woking th program. Boundaries around money, If I said no, I meant it as if my life depended on it, guard that no with your life. When he asks tell him no. If he asks again tell him no. If he moans and whines and asks why tell him you wont be lending money again, if he continues then you calmy tell him you will leave the room and then leave the room if you need to. Dont explain, justify your decision, he will try to convince you your wrong, well that seems to be the usual. Dont let him badger you, leave for a walk if need be, dont sit there and talk about it, talk is useless, he will tell you anything, nicely or aggressively whatever tactic is going to work. Keep this up and he will get the message.
You are a lovely woman, we see that. i am going to ask some questions, not to offend...these are questions I would ask of me in a similar situation. And you don't need to answer them here. Are you giving him money to manipulate him in some way? What is your payoff for continuing this cycle with him or keeping yourself in the victim mode? These are hard questions, yet it is in the answers you may discover something about you that will begin to set you free. These questions are part of my inventory process. (((Looking up))). And continue looking up
He doesn't have a job or money because he's an addict. Getting his next fix is his job. I didn't know this at the time, but years ago, I'd help people build up a dependency on me because I didn't know that my life had value apart from being needed. I didn't know I could be loved for who I was and not for what I did. Down deep, I resented people for needing me when I had been contributing to their dependency on me. I stayed in crummy relationships because my belief was "they need me." When I turned that belief around by focusing on myself I saw "I need them." When I asked myself "Is this absolutely true" and looked at the fact that I could breathe, change my socks, feed myself, earn a living, make friends and do things that truly were of service without working to make people dependent on me - I realized that "No, it isn't true." I don't need this person to live or to validate my existence. I don't have to prove my value and I don't need to be needed to exist. I am wanted by my HP who gives me the breath to exist and supports my existence as I am - needed or not. I learned that is enough for me. To be wanted as I am and not as an extension of another human being.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 3rd of August 2014 08:02:55 AM
