LMH: I have had the same experience with my sibs. I've learned to simply go when I can go, expect that I'll be ignored after the initial hellos, and talk with the members in my family who are experiencing the same. I'm pleasant to everyone and I watch as they make dividing lines among us. I've also learned I can't bring us all together and unite us in ways I've tried. I've learned to listen to how much we all don't communicate and keep my thoughts to myself on it. It's like talking to water and asking it to flow in a different direction for me. Many of my sibs value money and what it can buy. They also don't feel safe enough to share how they really think and feel about things, so they talk to each other about stuff while they pour another drink. I know it isn't personal although I used to think it was. I also understand how I ended up marrying somebody who didn't value me except in terms of what I could do for him. My sponsor has helped me recognize that this is who they are and they aren't going to change. So, if I have any expectations of them, I'm batting zero.

You have a very good head on your shoulders and I get why your Mom doesn't seem to see or experience what you see or experience. Your plan sounds like a healthy one for you if you truly don't want to go or can't go. Just like my family members, yours probably won't change either. But, you can still go when you can go and make the best of it on your terms and not on theirs.

I can really hear your frustration and disappointment and I very much relate.  I think when we're working the spiritual part of this program, the material things tend to feel less important to us.  Don't get me wrong, I enjoy travel and nice things just as much as the next person but I'm not looking for those things to fill me up. Although like you I don't begrudge people what they have, I don't place value on people according to what they have or don't have materially and I don't feel that courtesy goes to the financially privileged first and then well there's the rest of us for leftover scraps of acknowledgement.  I see this happening in the family too.  People get a lot of mileage out of using money and stuff to manipulate, get their way and feel self important.  We know... we are only as good as the program we are working.  It can be hard to detach from the behaviors, the talk and the lack of courtesy. When I'm on the receiving end of the behaviors you've described in your family and slipping in my program I begin to see myself as what I have rather or don't have materially rather than who I am and what I'm trying to send outward spiritually each day to the people I come in contact with.  Coming from dysfunction, I long for those warm, open communication get togethers with family members.  I want the family to match my family of choice in Alanon as far as their communication, kindness and courtesy to me. This is a pipe dream and again and again I'm learning to put my expectations back in the box and just show up with my program, take what I like and leave the rest.  Unrecoverying family goes where the alcohol flows.  Mine is a dry house.  With that said, I limit my time at theirs too because as the hours progress so does drinking. I don't have to resent them, I don't have to have expectations of them and I don't have to keep hanging out. When I want to go home, I go no matter what the relatives think of my choice.  My worth is not wrapped up other family members opinion of my choices.  I'm trying to align with hp's will each day and make my choices that honor that. 

You sound like you have good boundaries and a good understanding of what you want and don't want.  You know if you continue to make the choice to participate in these family get togethers it's going to be a mixed bag of personalities and behaviors.  You have the program to bring along.  Even if the unacceptable behaviors are directed at you, no one can make us feel badly about ourselves only we can.  You may need to take a breath and revamp your family visitation plan if you feel more miserable than happy in their company.  Someone in Alanon once told me the sickest member of the family is usually the one who runs the family. Sometimes it's the alcoholic but I've found the "controllers" who aren't to be worse to deal with.  I've tried to create or participate in more traditions and holidays with those in the Alanon and limit the family engagements "enmeshments."  When I do get together with family members, I do my best to try to think of what I like about them personally and keep a positive attitude while with them by being complimentary where I can because that puts better energy outward.  I can do it because... hey, I don't have to live with them, I get to go home LOL. I also need to remember to not be too hyperfocused on family I'm visiting with and stay present in whatever activity or occassion the day is about and mindful of my own shortcomings and monitor those and not other people. Basically, I have to mind my own business. Anyway, hope you feel a little less alone from the shares here.  Sounds like you have good awarenesses.  I think it's ok to long for a more healthy family situation but all we can do is suit up and show up with what we've got for recovery so far and leave the rest to hp concerning our families.  (((hugs)))  TT 

-- Edited by tiredtonite on Saturday 2nd of August 2014 08:12:01 AM

-- Edited by tiredtonite on Saturday 2nd of August 2014 08:12:42 AM

-- Edited by tiredtonite on Saturday 2nd of August 2014 08:20:58 AM

Thank you for your responses, I know that in the long run I won't say anything because what would be the point. Mom already has one daughter that cut her ties to them five years ago - funny to hear mom's side of it when she tells it to someone outside - she tells it like it is all my sister's fault for not wanting to be a part of the family.

You are right Tired - we have a controller, one of the "important" members - he has a system for how to turn the lights on in the several rooms, gets upset if you turn the wrong one on - my sister yelled at me for turning the wrong garage light on and I wanted to stand there and just flick the switch on and off maniacally laughing; I once slept in a recliner to stay the night (4 bedrooms but no extra bed) and unplugged a dopey clock that rang every hour - oh boy did I hear about it the next day - how he had every clock in the house set to exactly the right time and I hear about it every time he thinks of it when he's around me. He once took a glass of water out of my hand, poured it out and refilled it with bottled water - how dare I drink tap water at his house when he provides nice bottled water! and oh man, he served us "important" wine and I knew I wouldn't like it so I asked for just a half inch (of course he didn't comply) but I didn't like it so I added sprite to the wine and I thought his head was going to explode - later mom says quietly to me "I wanted sprite too but I didn't dare..."

The distance takes me over two hours there (two hours back home after a long day, yuck) and gas money, plus food money. I DO enjoy some of the time spent with them, but I get tired of hearing my sister complain about being tired (she hasn't worked in eighteen years) or the complaints about whatever new car they have since I've been driving the same 1997 neon for seven years.

The daughter who lives with me and lived through experiences with them as well, she and I discuss them sometimes, we get a lot of guilty fun pleasure at the thought of purposely turning the "wrong" lights on..... he's one of those who says he does things the "right" way, insinuating that the rest of us do it wrong. And they never correct you with clearly visible animosity - its always the fakey nice, oh "we" do it this way, its much better, don't you think" and you don't want to make waves so you just smile and imagine yourself ripping their fake faces off....

What's really laughable about them and their perfect daughter (poor kid), is that HE didn't want kids, said they were all obnoxious brats - my sister used MY daughter as an example of how they didn't have to turn into brats because she was a really super little kid, well-behaved, etc. to help talk him into having a child and then when their daughter was born, because of their perception of my status in life, I was never given the chance to get close to her because I wasn't good enough for her; couldn't play with her alone, they wouldn't let anyone alone with their daughter for fear of someone doing something to her they didn't want done. I guess my daughter was a good example of how a kid could be all by herself and I didn't have anything to do with it, ha! For anyone who watches the Rugrats - my sister's family is exactly like Angelica's family - my niece's behavior was scarily close to Angelica's behavior and her parents, well, dern near insufferable. Oh and when my younger daughter and their daughter tried to play together, everything bad was my kids fault, of course, so she quit going down and gets criticized for it, (but she doesn't care, lol,)

And yeah, I know, that's why I don't go down but I can't seem to get my mom to get it - I keep trying because I get tired of the admonishments from her and them for not coming down, but they don't get that with my busy schedule and limited funds, why would I want to spend my time and money doing something that can be so unpleasant?

Anyway - thanks for listening - I suspect that we all have family members we would rather not be around - as I typed this I realized how co-dependent my family is, how they all live with blinders on, smile and ignore the veiled insults and unpleasantness in order to "go along to get along".

It is an ongoing practice for me to accept my family where they are and try to the best of my ability to not have expectations.  When I get hooked, and I do, I am reminded of how grateful I am for the 12 steps, this forum and good friends. 

I feel your pain and how great it is to have a place to speak it.  You have a strong program and working it, as shown through your posts.  (((LMH))).