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So I went to my first al anon meeting tonight...or so I thought...since this is a small town, apparently the last Thursdays of the month are a joint AA/Alanon meeting for Birthdays. Walking in anyway, with encouragement, I sat through it all...and got all teary eyed once in a while. Here were alcoholics, rejoicing in celebrating one man's birthday, which I deduced as his clean and sober years. 22 years sober, which is awesome. But as they went around, I got emotional. So many alcoholics, some in recovery, some many years sober, inspiring which I got to say out loud when it was my turn to speak (ahhhhhhh), but yet sadly none of them was my spouse. It hurt. Obviously I know he's not going to be there at that meeting since I'm many miles away, but it's all I could think of...why can't my alcoholic be at a meeting, be seeking help, be with me.
I got to meet a woman in alanon, and she seems very sweet...hugs...emotionally there for me I believe...got many hugs from people. It was a good feeling. And then I came home. Got a text from a friend who happened to be in the same bar as my spouse. I responded in a way that didn't require any further information...I didn't want it, yet I did. So many unasked questions....was he drunk, how'd he look, what was he doing, etc. I refrained. Yay me. But later on, our son got a phone call. Then they texted. Then he said hi via our baby. Eventually he texted me. And so it began...but it was foolish to do so...I knew it...but I did it anyway.
It ended badly...he was going on (text messages) about losing weight, not having any money, dogs needing food, not having any cigarettes and so I mentioned the fact that he had been in the bar, and if he didn't have any money for food, beer or smokes what was he doing there...and he said "trying to get laid"...I did not reply, nor did he expand on that...that was it...end of texts...
I know he was trying to incite a response...I know it...but it hurt...
Your doing what I did too and have done and may still do again, but the difference is now we know we are doing it, next step? what to do differently? I feel better in myself when I don't have any contact, ignorance is truly bliss, but like you in your circumstances I am part of a family too and it is a family decease, my children will come to me with their thoughts because they know I know, I have had to remove myself from the insanity for the time being to get myself healthy, I am hurting like crazy too, but I am also feeling good things too, better things and hoping that will increase with time.
Sounds like a good meeting, its good to help get compassion for alcoholics, even though it might not seem like it right now when your hurt and angry. Alanon will help you get a rational view of your husband, your marriage and yourself. My ex has been going to aa for over a year now, I still wont have him back in my life, Im on my own and much happier, he is a threat to my happiness, aa or not, I believe old behaviours would reamerge in both of us if we gave it another go, very risky in my eyes. Anyway, im glad you went to a meeting, keep going every week and the changes within you will begin.x
Our al-anon meetings are held jointly with AA also. I went to an open discussion AA meeting recently and it was very humbling. These men and women poured out their hearts to people they did not even know. They admitted to doing terrible things to their families and friends. What courage these people had to be able to do this. I remember wishing I had just a tiny bit of the courage they were exhibiting. Listening to them helped me understand my ah. I remind myself that the hurtful things my ah husband says to me while he is drinking is not coming from my husband, it's the alcohol talking. I keep praying that one day my ah will find his way to an AA meeting. For me, leaving my ah is not an option. Too many people would be hurt, and I don't feel my HP is leading me in that direction. God led me to al-anon, and I am eternally grateful. I am changing, slowly evolving to a more sane and calm person. As a result, I am seeing tiny, subtle changes in my ah.
Keep going to your meetings. Asked them if you can borrow some of the literature to read at home. Currently, I'm reading Courage to Change. Actually, I'm studying it, b/c it takes reading the same thing many times before the messages and teachings adhere to my brain.
((hugs))
-- Edited by cloudyskies on Friday 1st of August 2014 11:34:12 PM
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Look for the rainbow after the storm, and I'm sending you a double dose of HOPE. H-hold O-on P-pain E-ends
(((((Watts))))) great post and it sucks feeling like what you're feeling...I never did that well and so with the help and support of the fellowship and my sponsorship I just quit. One thing I learned was not to see self verification from another person who isn't qualified to very me...my alcoholic/addict wasn't even closely qualified to verify ne and I had to learn how to do that myself. I am my job not anyone else's. I remember learning how to respond to a put down by saying just, "That's not true" and to say it firmly yet not mean. What a wonderful thing to learn...how to stick up for myself without threats or drama, anger or craziness.
I remember how badly I wanted "for her" and didn't know how to respond to the question "So what do you want for yourself" without mentioning her in the response. Enablers I learned don't see themselves as a complete person unless someone else is in their picture. That angered me because it was my habit
Good you got to "YOUR" first meeting. When is the next one and how can you hang with that Al-Anon member you met. Did you get here number? Keep on keeping on, For me this is he only program that has worked for me and it is much much cheaper than a shrink. (((((hugs)))))
