The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
In the past year I have gone from being an obsessed person who tracked my A's movements, to the present, where I discovered this past weekend I actually enjoyed being alone. I no longer care if my spouse and I have "quality time" because with the multiple addictions, there is no quality time. I used to feel so lonely when my A was out and now I feel sad when my A comes home. I feel so detached that it's hard for me to figure out exactly what I feel at this point for my A. I know I have written about detachment several times on the board but I guess I don't quite get "detachment with love." I'm polite, I'm kind, I'm respectful, but love? I just don't know, Lyne
Lyne It sounds as if you are detaching with love. Not romantic love but with gentleness, kindness, and non judgmental acceptance. That is my definition of love for my fellow man. Now you need to evaluate your marriage in a pro and con list.
I totally agree with the pros and cons list of you marriage. That will help you see things clearly. Also, I acted as if I lived alone the last few months before I moved out, so it helped me to see I was doing almost everything on my own anyway even when living with him.
Aloha Lyne...part of learning detachment for me was the idea of allowing my alcoholic/addict with the dignity of her choices and their consequences. She was an adult and could, plan and think so I didn't have to try to manage her like I had before she got to be sole executive decision maker and operations manager and I fired myself I had my own life to plan and work out and so there were two lives co-joined in our home. My responses to knowing what was going on in her life were respectful and interested and non-judgmental. I learned another definition for love that worked better for me which replaced the old concept of love with unconditional acceptance of her for exactly who she was and I started the description of her with "Child of God" then went to "woman", "mother" etc., until I had an honest picture of her. Of course in doing this for her I also had to do this for my self too. I learned detachment on three levels. First Anger, then disinterest and then love...which is unconditional acceptance. Keep working on it you will get there. Keep coming back. (((((Hugs)))))
