The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Even though I live w/ an A, and know they lie, manipulate, speak over, know it all...... there are times I let my guard down and believe him because for a brief moment he is talking like a "normal" person.
Last weekend, after I had made the decision to formally file for a divorce, we were discussing finances. I had a spreadsheet showing equal distrubution of assets; printed and gave him a copy. In hopes of doing some of this ourselves, and not pay an attorney to do a simple excel spreadsheet, I took the liberty to create it, since I know what we have. He said, "I don't agree with some of this." Okay, that is not helpful, at all. So, instead of saying that, I said, "is line 1 okay?" Yes. "Line 2?" Yes. This went on until we were done. There were a few lines he didn't like such as alimony (still paid in this state) an moving expenses. So, we adjusted things accordingly. I was not up for a fight w/ him so I chose to give here and there just to get through this. Then there was a small savings acct. that is online only, so you have to transfer the funds to an existing checking acct. to access it. That is our joint acct. he is closing down. So, I said, "we need to get this money in the bank so I will transfer that. He agreed. Then I told him it was $400 less than I thought so I adjusted the spreadsheet and gave him a clean copy. Then I told him it would post on Tuesday and I would take it out then. He had all the checks to that acct, now, and I took one check & he took the rest. So, Tuesday, I took out the $. That night he asked where the money came from and why I took it out.
Oh my! I reminded him of the hour in the office and the conversation that had taken place, and he had no recolection of it. Actually, he didn't say, "I dont remember". He said, "we did not talk about that and you are being deceptive. Don't take anything else." Of course he was talking through his usual gritted teeth in a very firm tone.
When I emailed my atty to give a "note for the file" he reminded me DO NOT BELIEVE HIM. He said, do nothing that is not signed and legally binding & do not sign anything until I look at it. So, my AH would love to do this w/o attorneys to save $ (or screw me); but I know that I have to have legal representation to protect me in this process. I can not trust a person that has intermittent amnesia. I wonder if he plays that game at work. "Ah no, you never told me that." I can't imagine he would be employed long if that were the case. I am leaving the home, relocating, leaving job, etc. He still has a house, and a job. So, I have to be able to survive until I can find employment and housing. He just goes on as usual w/out even a hiccup, except his personal life manager and housekeeper and bookkeeper and landlord to our tenants..... is gone.
I had notified our tenants that we were getting divorced and they would now be dealing w/ my AH directly, so give him the rent, etc. And that he will sign a new lease w/ them w/ only his name, etc. They asked me a few times, "When will he do this, that, the other?" My response, "I do not know, you will need to call him." He has not spoken to them or done anything in this matter. I have always been the come to person, and now I am giving him what he [thinks he] wants, complete control. Have fun; it's a lot of work. You might have to turn off the TV for a few hours. All he really wants is the freedom to drink and noone will know. LOL! He is a closet drinker and doesn't drink openly. Now he can have his bottle of vodka on the coffee table as no one will be here to see it. No more hiding it in his locked car, padlocked breifcase, under the mattress, in the kitchen cabinets, in workshop, under bathroom sink......
And I have to remember to take anything he says with a grain of salt. Or get it in writing. I am meeting w/ my atty Monday morning (after he's been on vacation and I have been dying to talk to him all week) and hoping I leave feeling better, and not worse. I am anxious to move on now that I have made the decsion to do so; but need to exercise calm patience in this process. I am a "get things done" kind of person so that is a challenge for me. Especially when I know something is not healthy for me, or safe, to not get out of harm's way.
I am interviewing candidates to replace me at work. Two people are being hired to replace me. So, that is on top of an already very busy work load; but this too shall pass. In a few weeks I will be unemployed and my spouse has now total control of family finances (closed joint acct after we spit that $), so that should be interesting.
One Day At A Time........
Give me this day, my daily bread.....
-- Edited by blessed on Thursday 31st of July 2014 05:58:51 AM
Wow, im so impressed blessed. You have moved so fast and your on the ball. Your strength really shows.
I look back to when I up and left, no planning, very impulsive, walked away from everything, still deep in the disease. He got our home and I got the debt, lol. I do think im the winner though, the house, no debt etc means nothing to him really hes still trapped in his own disease in many ways. Ive got a cracking apartment now, I love it, its so me, wheras our home and my choices was picked apart by him and me, the disease was evident wverywhere in our lives. This wee home, not so much, its quite bright, healthy, lighter, happier. Im so glad you are here, your inspirational.x
Wow. Good job Blessed. This story reminds me of when my AH parked one of his many junk cars at my friends house for her teenage son to work on. I ended up convincing him to give it to them. He signed over the Pink slip at our house and I gave it to my friend. It wasn't worth much. They had to pay the back registration fees. That was it.
Fast forward a month or so. He is mad at me about the car issue because I am telling him to get rid of more junk. So he tells me he wants the car back from my friend. I asked him if he remembered he signed the pink slip over to them. He said he didn't remember. Wow. And he was sober when he did this. Just shows you how alcohol has damaged their brains. Makes them paranoid too.
So, since I need to get his name off the title of my house, maybe I should get him drunk so he will sign the paperwork. Just kidding. I probably wouldn't even need to get him drunk. Who knows. He might sign it and never remember doing it.
This is how I got to this point. Thank you Alanon. As I said, "I knew I did not have the disease of alcoholism, and was not enabling and was not going to go crazy w/ him" and I sougt out counsel to no avail, then I turned to AlAnon. What I took from AlAnon was: The 3 Cs (huge); One Day At A Time and Just For Today. I had two choices: Leave or Stay IF EVERYTHING NEVER CHANGES. Don't think of the great past, or dream of a great future. What IS today? Each day for awhile I answerwed, stay. Then one day I answered, leave. And I started to put the things in place to do that. I was not going to run and leave all WE worked so hard for. I am too old for that. But, for a fleeting 2 seconds a few days after I thought, "Maybe I didn't wait long enough" and then within minutes he said something really mean and affirmed I had made the right decision, and told myself to FOCUS.
So, that is where I am. The first few days were weepy, and somewhat of a grieving process, and I am sure that is not over and there will be stages of grieving. I am prepared and will just go with it; but know I have to get off of this sinking ship before it goes down.
Next week I start interviewing people to replace me at work; and I have no idea how long I will be umemployed before I can move on; and with no income as the AH has taken over the finances. But, I trust completely in God, and He promises not to leave me or forsake me. If I have nothing else, I have that, and that is more than enough for me.
Thanks for your encouragment, and support. Each of you who shares has no idea the impact you are making in others' lives. Thank you so much.
I am reloacting out of state. We are in a northern state due to a job offer my AH got 5 years ago. I HATE IT! I am from the south, and don't do well in the frigid arctic winter. And I want to move as far away from him as I possibly can.
My son is going to college in the south, and I have a sister down south as well that I will be living with until I find my own place & a job. There is nothing here for me, except the A. And he is not for me, any more. I just hope I am out of here before the first sign of winter.
He told me today, "you need to be responsible for you bills, or that will come out of the final settlement." Of course he doesn't define what "my bills" are. What a man? NOT!
grateful2be - I totally agree. I love God w/ all my heart, soul and mind - but when you are face-to-face w/ the enemy every evening, it is very difficult to remain calm. I remember when J was tempted by the evil one, and what He said to him; IT IS WRITTEN. I always go back to the Word to remind myself of the Truth; when I hear lies being thrown at my right and left. It is tough. But, I have read the end of the book, and WE win. :)
