The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Ive came to believe completely that alcoholism is a disease, a disease that affects the way everyone in the family thinks. The alcoholics distorted thinking is so easy to see, the nonsense they talk, black and white thinking, the poor mes, nobody loves me, its so unfair, the world is against me and its all your fault and everyone elses. Usually, said in big loud voices designed to intimidate and control. Obvious stuff for us to see. Weve always seen it.
Its funny though that we find it difficult to see the distorted thinking that we develop or may already have to some extent. I mean how does any of us end up with an alcoholic?, not really through healthy thinking or healthy views of ourselves and the world.
Its called a cunning and baffling disease, I kind of get that because the defective thinking of the alcoholic in our life is clear for us, yet our own goes unnoticed, we cant take our eyes and mind off the alcoholic long enough to see that we have developed the same, maybe worse, symptoms of alcoholism. Is that not cunning and baffling?
Before alanon if someone said your behaviour is just as bad or worse at times, I would have been outraged! Wasnt I the GOOD one, its me who held the family together, paid the bills, worked 2 jobs, cleaned up his mess, took on his role of father as well as mother. YES, I did but all the while the thinking disease grew. I was full of self pity, martyrdom, resentment, arrogance, self loathing, self rightousness, big time. I couldnt see any of my defects, his easy to see, I could and actually did make lists of all his.lol.
To me, alanon has given me the ability to see myself as I really am. Ive stopped working out and analysing the alcoholics in my life, done that for nearly 20 yrs, im an expert in that field, its boring. But me, the disease within me, im very interested In, it elluded me for years, hidden In denial. Im the key to my recovery, my distorted thinking, my defects, my bad behaviour. Thats where the work is and that where the rewards are for all of us.
I think for those years I was focused on his defects and distorted thinking and I thought thats where the rewards were. There are no rewards for obsessing about another. Thanks for listening.x
You're exactly right. Thanks for the share. When I read posts such as these it actually gives me hope. That is baffling, isn't it? lol But, it gives me hope that now I can put names on what is going on, not just, "he's crazy", or "I'm going to have a nervous breakdown".
Thank you for putting this into words, in an easy to read and understand format.
I agree 100% but when you are living with the disease. It
Is almost impossible to step away from it. Detachment yes,
But you have constant triggers from the a and we are just a
Human being only capable of so much. I feel my higher power
At work right now. the disease is much stronger than i am.
It has beaten me down mentally and emotionally. Now with
My HP i can grow strong but i really dont think i could with
My unrecovered dry ah. He twists me up inside and i lose
Myself.
I must stop trying to work out and analyze my AH's ranting and ravings, the key to recovery for me is to stop trying to make sense of the distorted thinking no matter how loud and unreasonable it is. The reward is in attaining peace within myself in spite of the disease. Thank you for your post!!
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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
You are so right el-cee. Thank you so much for sharing. I was not able to go to my f2f meeting this past week b/c of weather. And other distractions have kept me from the discussion board. Because I have not been able to read and share with my al-anon friends, I have been slipping back into my old distorted way of thinking. I have to literally remind myself to Let go and Let God. Habits that we have formed over years of living with alcoholism are hard to break.
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Look for the rainbow after the storm, and I'm sending you a double dose of HOPE. H-hold O-on P-pain E-ends
