The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So here goes my first post after putting up with alocoholic fiance for the the past 4 years...
Found this message board today and thought maybe if I shared I could get some feedback since I really don't know how to handle my situation. Horrible night tonight..as usual. My fiance is perfect during the day. He gets up, goes to a very stressful job, works 10 hours a day on average completely sober, and is nice and sweet during the day. But then he gets off work and pounds a bottle of vodka on his way home. Every single day. Weekends are even worse because it starts much earlier, sometimes at noon. My only salvation is that he drinks so much sometimes that he passes out for hours and I get some relief. Hate to say it, but most days i pray for him to just pass out. The worst part about his drinking is that I don't even know this person. I've been verbally abused by him almost every day, some days are much worse than others. Usually I just try to stay away because I know not to even have a conversation with him when he's like that. It wasn't always this bad, but the last 3-4 years its just gotten progressively worse. The drinking is more, way more. Maybe its because it takes so much more for him now, I don't know. The down side is that we have a 2 1/2 year old daughter and she sees all of this. Up until now I've been able to hide it and distance her from it, but now thats a lot more difficult. When he yells, its not just yelling its screaming at the top of his lungs and most times its for stupid little things that just set him off. Apparently I never do anything right when he's drinking even though I take care and do everything for our daughter, work part time, cook, clean, etc. I have tried and tried to talk to him about this. He always says he'll stop but never does. He has a great family so I don't understand why he's doing this and wants to miss out on all the great times with our little girl. I hate myself every day for not leaving! But I've known him for years and just can't turn my back. I hate myself for not getting my daughter out of this situation too. Thats what kills me the most! We just spent 2 weeks in Greece visiting my family and things were wonderful, he actually stayed somewhat sober there. So why did he pound vodka less than an hour after our plane landed in the US?! I just don't understand it. He was happy and we just had a wonderful family vacation. I'm so confused. I hate myself every day. Is it wrong to dream of a life where I have a man who comes home and we just have a nice quiet family night? I can't even go to a meeting or anything because in a million years I would never leave my daughter with him at night. Oh yes, I also have no social life whatsoever. Haven't been out one single time since my daughter was born. I'm so hurt, so angry, so confused, and hating myself.
Welcome and I understand your feelings and your experience. I've lived it to some degree. You have done a very wise and courageous thing in posting. Many of us have found that attending Al-Anon meetings to get the support and help we need is of utmost importance. As much as you want to make changes, making them by yourself is very difficult if not downright impossible. Your fiancé is suffering from a disease that neither one of you caused, can control or can cure. As you've discovered, the disease is progressive without treatment. With treatment, the disease is put in remission but it can never be cured. There is hope for the person with this disease if they get into a program to save their lives and work the program. As much as we want to help them do that, the best way we can do that is get the help we need in Al-Anon. The disease destroys all of us without help. In Al-Anon there is help and hope for you and for your daughter. We suggest you attend at least 6 meetings until you decide if the program is right for you. If you can't go to face to face meetings, we have on-line meetings here although we still strongly suggest face to face meetings for you. Please keep coming back here, too. We understand what you are experiencing and we are here for you.
I must say you are in the right place. I too thought for a bit there that I was reading my own story minus the child and family vacation. My boyfriend of almost 7 yrs has gone from drinking a fifth a day to a liter a day. His verbal abuse has gotten worse. What is so weird is that in front of other people he turns into this jolly man but soon as we are alone...watch out I'm the verbal whipping post. Please come back and please join us for chat in our meetings. Face to Face meetings are very important and some of them you can even take your child with you. I love the on-line meetings here as well and participate often. I just started using the boards. A lot of good Al-Anon approved reading material as well. I love the daily readers Courage to Change and One Day At A Time. Hope to see you around in the chat! You can also pvt message if you like.
Aloha "G" and welcome to the board...Good post you got to take the stopper of the top of the container and just let it rush out. Yay!! You're in the right place with the right people who have been where you are at now themselves. Once I got into program and started learning "my part in it" I was astounded how bad I felt about myself because she was getting drunk and I..."How in the hell does that happen I thought...she drinks and uses and I feel bad for it"? That is the victims side of the street in the disease of addiction/alcoholism. I also learned that she was two people...one was my wife and the other my alcoholic and I had to learn which one was with me at all times or I got blind sided by what we come to know the Dr. Jekyll, Mr. Hyde personality of the alcoholic. I got had all the time until I found Al-Anon and started following the suggestions and the program. I didn't do just 6 meetings...I did 102 in 90 days and kept coming back cause my life was getting better and I stopped outwardly hating myself. Some meetings understand and will let young children in if they can be managed. Some meetings have child care. There is no argument against leaving a child with an active drunk. This is a progressive disease as it has already been mentioned and it always gets progressively worse never better. There are online meetings at MIP twice daily and I believe they are in your time zone. Go the heading bar to enter chat room during the meeting time and you're there.
I hope you keep coming back and I hope you stop blaming yourself on this cause you didn't cause it...you cannot control it and you will not ever be able to cure it.
Im sorry alcoholism is part of your life. You have come to the right place, we were, are all affected by this disease and I can relate to the symptoms of this family disease that you have described.
Alcoholism is a progressive disease, for everyone, he will get worse as do you and your daughter. The gokd news is that it can be completely different for you amd your daughter whether you leave himi or not. Alanon is a fellowship for people affected by someone elses drinking. It a recovery program for you and when you have some recovery under your belt your family situation will improve and you will set an excellent example for your daughter. Go and learn how to think rationally, there are meetings everywhere, check the online website.x
So glad you have found us. Do call the Al-Anon phone number in the White Pages, and they'll tell you which local meetings have child care. Another thing that helps is to read through the threads on this site there is much wisdom among the people here. You are not alone. Hugs.
I can relate to much of what you posted; right down to the vodka, and the "double life." In AlAnon I FINALLY learned, even though I knew, but hadn't fully accepted, that:
I did not cause this
I can not control this
I can not cure this
Wow! What a relief. I can take that off of my "to do" list. And you can too. Take care of you and your child, and let the consequences of your As actions fall solely on him. Do not wish him harm, etc. Just be yourself, but you just can't control his behavior, as he can not control yours. Would you want him to?
Find a face to face group and give it a try; it is life changing. Keep coming back to this forum, and there is a chat on here as well, daily.
Take it one day at a time and think ME, not HIM. :)
Oh hon, it is time to put your daughter and yourself first. No matter how long you have known him, no matter how nice his family is, you need to take care of you. When you are isolated from other people, you begin to take on the guilt, the blame, the responsibility for him and his behavior. And you lose track of what is normal. He is destroying himself and, in the process, damaging his family also. You are putting his needs before your own while he is caring only for the release that alcohol gives him.
Please find some way to get to an alanon meeting even if it is only online. But I kind of think you need to be with people rather than just connecting on the computer. You deserve so much more than this and so does that precious little girl.
I too hated myself for a long time while I was living with an alcoholic. Before I came to AlAnon, that was the toughest time of my life, and I'm so glad I made it to the safety of meetings and my sponsor. It took me time to let the power of AlAnon percolate within me. At first, I sat in meetings and cried. I didn't say anything. I listened. I found proof I was not alone.
Today I love myself and my life. It's unimaginable but it's true.
Welcome. Give yourself a treat and stay, find meetings and work the program.
Hi and welcome. Just remember one thing...it it NOT your fault he drinks. It doesn't make sense, you are right. I always wondered the same thing about my AH. Everything would seem to be going ok and he would get drunk. It made me miserable. I felt crazy trying to figure out why he would do this and how I could make him stop. After coming to al anon I realized I can't make him stop and he has to be the one to decide if and when to stop. It got to be too much for me, so I moved out on my own. I took my kids because I didn't want them to think his behavior was ok. My teens have seen way too much...all of them have. Just remember the disease usually gets worse, total abstinence is the only cure. The success rate of abstinence and recovery is very low. What helped me was to put my kids first. I didn't want them to be traumatized anymore by things like finding him passed out on the floor in a slump and me calling 911. Or even just wondering what he was doing in the middle of the night. Buying liquor again? None of us slept very well living with him.
I hope you can find someone else to watch your daughter so you can go to meetings. Maybe a drop in daycare of some kind just for a few hours? It will help you so much. The key to al anon is meeting new people and hearing stories that make you feel you are not alone. Working the steps and getting a sponsor is what helped me get the courage to leave. Not saying you have to leave...but just keep yourself and your daughter safe. Maybe in time you will find a solution. Some of us stay with the A but most of us find it too difficult to stay.
Welcome.... I am so happy you found your way to this board. Here you will find all of us with similar stories, feelings, emotions and so on. This is a safe place to find help, to learn how to take care of you. Please do try face to face meeting its whenever possible, read all you can from the Al-anon literature, learn all you can on the horrible disease called Alcoholism, your life will change so much.
(((Hugs))) to you. Feel free to private message me if you need to talk.
__________________
Linda
Don't worry about tomorrow, tomorrow will have it's own worries
Except for the trip to Greece; your post sounds like my life a year ago. From the bottom of my heart I want you to know that you are not alone and that you will find a tremendous amount of help on this message board and the Al-anon.
Please see if you can find a face to face Al-anon meeting and take 1 of every free pamphlet they have. The progressive disease of alcohol is just as devastating to the non drinker. When I read the pamphlets I stopped feeling like I was the only person in the world who was going through something like this.
Be kind to yourself. Walking around on eggshells so that you do not 'wake the beast' can be exhausting. You took the first step towards your own recovery by reaching out and telling your story. You will come out of this 'fog' with a better sense of self.
((( hug )))
p.s. There is a message system on this board if you want a pen pal
Thank you everyone so much for your support. For the first time in a few years I don't feel so alone in reading the responses and found some comfort. I'll start looking for some meetings nearby hopefully with child care. I realize I really do need to go. This is an every evening ordeal for me now which has become so overwhelming. I do my best to keep a smile and put on a happy face for my little girl as she is everything to me, but inside I've felt like All of the life is being sucked out of me. Everything feels like such a lie because of all the covering up I do.
Many of us did the same thing. Your choice to attend Al-Anon meetings will be such a boon to your self esteem and will give you more tools to deal with the current reality that is yours. You didn't cover up with us and already you are feeling some comfort. You will experience more in Al-Anon, too, where in order to heal we have to be real and we help each other do that and be that.
Your job as a parent is to look out for and take care of your child. How can you do this when your soul has been battered down so hard by this disease? I hear your pain. I'm sorry you are going through this. I urge you to get to a meeting asap and keep coming back here. Once you heal a little you will get more clarity and strength. You need to get strong again, for you and for your daughter's sake. Don't think too far ahead into the future. And don't beat yourself up, you are human and you are doing the best you can right now for you and your daughter.
