Who Fakes Forgetfulness? - Al-Anon Family Group

Temple · ~*Service Worker*~

Who Fakes Forgetfulness?

Temple · ~*Service Worker*~

You know you're losing it when you respond to your own post. Grins.

He had me fooled because he really is forgetful. My family and I laughed for years about the time when we were in our mid-twenties and we'd been to visit my parents. The day we were leaving, when he wanted an early start, I got all of our stuff and our daughter's stuff packed and we waited for him to load the car. He dawdled around for hours and then famously said, "Well, somebody could have told me what time it was." Bless your heart! You could also have looked at your wrist, or noticed the sun is now in the Western sky. The Four O'Clocks are beginning to open. We've had lunch and Mother is cooking dinner. The migratory patterns of birds. All sorts of clues.

T.

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

My gosh...you sure he doesn't have a little problem with memory? LOL.... I'm sorry but I had to laugh. I know unscrew the light blubs and tell him you don't know what is wrong. See if he does something..

((( hugs )))) my friend

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

I strongly believe the alcohol affects the brain over time, even after they quit drinking. It stunts their brain growth. My AH has ADD and also can't remember much of anything I say. Makes me feel useless.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

LOL, Temple. I loved both your shares. Perhaps you didn't intend to be funny but you were. If the house falls down around you, perhaps you could say just a little something? "Shall we move or stay here?" (((T))) Your attitude is infectious and I am glad you know that he also has selective memory if it helps you. Passive-aggressive people just make me madder than hops after awhile. Oh....that's what they want. I forgot. They don't want to feel their own anger - they want someone else to feel it. Your solution? Perfect.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 30th of July 2014 01:53:12 PM

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

Here's a news story that just appeared today: "History of problem drinking can lead to memory loss in later life. Consuming too much alcohol more than doubles risk of developing memory impairment, study shows." http://www.theguardian.com/society/2014/jul/30/problem-drinking-lead-to-memory-loss-later-life

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

I could be NG's AH's double. I drank hard for a long time ...and... am ADD. Trying to remember and then remembering is skill work and takes effort often lots of it and one of the benefits (yes there are) is a higher degree of survivorship because most thinking, feeling and behavior has to be on the level of consciousness continuously. The subconscious level tells me "You know where things are" and my conscious level says "Yes I do...now tell me". Alcohol does a lot of damage and so does aging and so does mental disabilities. Another hindrance arrives as a result of enabling...being a fixer and human "doing" rather than human "being". I did a ton of supporting for the alcoholics in my life and I wanted to do it all well; and get my life done also. That resulted in "multi-tasking" which I am very good at still and at times draws raves from others and at other times drives them crazy. It is very dysfunctional and I know the survivor role...I have for a long long time. Who likes to fake forgetfulness? Thanks Temple for the post and a quick opportunity to inventory myself. ((((hugs)))) smile

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

As an addendum to my share: My Dad had stroke induced Alzheimer's. He did forget things and he also chose to fake forgetfulness at times. His reasons are unknown to me. What helped me stay calm was to remember that my purpose in being present to my Dad was because I wanted to be with him and spend as much time as I could with him. There were times that I felt extremely frustrated - I'd travel 2.5 hours to visit with him - he'd go to the diningroom to eat dinner and I'd stay in his apartment. After awhile, I'd go downstairs and he'd forgotten I was even there. Sometimes, he'd remember I was there but there was a (lady) friend he'd want to talk with and was okay with letting me wait. Or, I'd drive 2.5 hours to visit with him and he'd be gone when I got there. He'd leave with a family member I didn't know was coming even though he knew I was on my way. Again, there was no point in getting ticked at him - I was wasting my energy. I learned to have plan "B" and "C" in place. I knew he wasn't going to change and his intentions were not to hurt me but maybe to make life easier for himself. I get what you're saying and I still think your attitude is the best one given the fact that your AH probably isn't going to change, but you are! (((T)))

-- Edited by grateful2be on Tuesday 29th of July 2014 09:06:07 PM

tiredtonite · Veteran Member

I see this happen too but I think it's just that he and I have differing priorities and differing ideas about what taking responsibility looks like. I'm sorry but your posts made me giggle too because I've been there too particularly when we go off in separate directions somewhere and agree to meet one another later. A calendar might be better than a clock for when he'll show up again. OK that's a bit of an exaggeration but I do understand your frustration.

We have a reading in one of our Alanon daily readers about someone who knows that when they make plans with their brother, he's consistently late so they've adjusted the time because they realize he isn't going to change. If I have to be somewhere else later, I make the time to meet with one another earlier than I need to. When he shows up past that time, I'm still not going to be late for the next thing due to waiting for him. This is who he is. He's not me. LOL lucky him! I've got lots of my own defects. I just try to keep it simple, if I keep it simple, I keep my serenity. Hope you feel less alone after reading responses here. (((hugs)) TT

blessed · Senior Member

I can so relate. He is lethagic to begin with; but the alcohol has fried his brain. I can tell him a long, detailed whatever & the next day he will have no recollection of the conversation and then accuse me of not ever telling him. What puzzles me is how he does his job with this lack of memory. That is why I always think it is deliberate because he is two people. He is the profession/public person who apparently has it all together, although I do not work w/ him; and the home person who does nothing and remembers nothing. And he is now taking over all the finances as we proceed w/ divorce. This was not agreed upon; he just did it. I am not volunteeing any information or reminding him of anything. The ony thing I have done is forward emails that I get saying a bill is going to be paid on such a date. All of our bills are auto-pay, but you have to be sure there are funds available to pay them. If he asks about something I will give him that information.

Recently I was telling him of some of our old friends in another state. The man has been sick forever and had major surgeries. Recently he had his leg amputated so I shared that w/ my AH. Later that month he was a conference in their area and saw the man and his wife there. When he got home he said, "I saw Bob and he has had his leg amputated." I just looked at him and said, "I told you that a month ago." I mean, that is a pretty significant thing. Even if he forgot, when he saw him I would think it would have jogged his memory that I told him.

So, this week as we were working out details of our divorce and I was emailing my atty (on vacation) what we were thinking he reminded me not to trust him. 1. A's lie and 2. He does not have my best interest in mind. I needed to hear that gentle reminder. And as another reminder, we divided up our cash, and yesterday I took out the last part of mine. When I got home he asked aboout the withdrawl I had taken. JUST THE NIGHT BEFORE we discussed that I would be taking that out. He had no clue. Oh my goodness. I gave him the checks and credit cards and kept one check for the final draw. Even though the checks were laying right on his desk he acted like that conversation never happened and got mad at me and went on a rant.

It is frightening, and I just pray that I get out of here before the bottom falls out.

-- Edited by blessed on Wednesday 30th of July 2014 06:24:06 AM

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

You are funny, Temple. It feels so good to see the garbage and humor cooking in the same pot! Another gift of recovery...I am smiling as I type this smile

Temple · ~*Service Worker*~

Bless you all for your wonderful responses.

Cathy--that cracked me up. I have said if I died, every light in the house would blaze and the blinds would be either open or closed in perpetuity depending on whether the event occurred in the light or in the dark.

NLG--I know too well what you are saying.

Thank you, Grateful. Humor is what my FOO always used to cope. Husband said rather early on: When you and your mother and your sister get together, you talk about your faults and laugh. Well, yes. His family denied beyond all reason that they had any faults and would have found it anything but funny.

Mattie, it doesn't look good. His mother had an early onset of one of Alzheimer's cousins, and DDH's already bad memory is getting worse and worse.

Jerry--DDH inherited a world-class body, athletically speaking. Sounds like you got a world-class brain. That you can still multi-task, is amazing. We can't drive and talk. Or I should say he won't and I can't. I wind up in the trees.

Tired Tonight--that made me laugh outloud. I'm going to use the calendar rather than a clock line--I have a friend whose husband refuses to own a watch. That will give her something funny to think about.

Blessed--I am sorry to say that everything you wrote is familiar to me. The difference is you've got the gumption and the "youthiness" to do something about it. I remember saying to mine, you were standing in front of me with your eyes open when we had that conversation (sometimes 15 minutes ago) and I just assumed you were conscious. I have long referred to that little phenomenon as what I call "Married Man's Syndrome." You put a ring on his finger and he can no longer hear that particular woman's voice. My friend calls it testosterone poisoning. Sorry, guys. Present company excepted. And my father wasn't like that. And he actually liked to talk with my mother.

-- Edited by Temple on Wednesday 30th of July 2014 09:30:36 AM

-- Edited by Temple on Wednesday 30th of July 2014 10:50:28 AM

Temple · ~*Service Worker*~

I think I ran out of room.

PP: You certainly gave me something to think about. I have a very vivid and graphic imagination. And a weak stomach! Wowee! Grins. And thanks for responding. You're one of my heroes.

To all of you. I don't know why I've been so reticent about posting my stuff. Or maybe I do. When I first went to Alanon all I heard was "You are powerless and you can't make him not drink." And he and I both thought I had--he used to say I saved his life. As I have posted ad nauseum, when it finally dawned on me one Saturday morning when he was passed out on the bathroon floor (a first for morning) that he was an alcoholic--(bingey, atypical, in an era when information wasn't as freely disseminated) I let him lie there, as I had the other two times, but this time I told him very calmly the next day that I wanted to know if he were going to continue to drink, because I needed to plan my life. (Because Eric Berne said "Alcoholic is a three-handed game that can't be won." and if it was in a book, there you go. This was before Dr. Phil and "Alcoholism is a deal-breaker." I'd have also taken that for true. I forget if I need to close parenthesis or not. I get lost down these rabbit hole sentences of mine.
Anyway, as I have said until everybody is sick of it, he quit, cold turkey.
And I felt guilty when the Alanons told me that you can't do what I thought I had done. You'd have to be in my head or equally sick to understand that feeling of guilt. So I didn't share because I was doing it wrong. And these were such sweet, patient women. They'd talk about waiting by the kitchen door and keeping dinner warm for hours. And I'm thinking I'd have pitched it out into the yard after one hour, tops.

So I had a real feeling of otherness and wrongness. And come to think of it, I still have a lot of that going on.

Thank you everyone for being so warm and supportive.

Loves,
Temple

-- Edited by Temple on Wednesday 30th of July 2014 09:37:48 AM

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Reading your posts reminds me of Annie Lamotts writing. I love her wit (disclaimer: this is not al anon approved stuff) and I believe she had a liking for the bottle once in her life smile She is hilarious and revelatory about what is going on in her head....I love the "otherness and wrongness feelings". These hang out with me on the porch sometimes. too!

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

Sending love and prayers you way Ms. Temple :) I think the best thing for any situation is a good sense of humor .. it drives out the darkness of insanity. Loved your share :)

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

One of the things I've learned in various meetings is that I can't heal without laughter. I can get so very serious about stuff that I can weigh myself down with gloom and doom. I have learned that I have to be in relationship to people who are witty and spontaneous in order for me to get out of that sackcloth and ashes I can bury the lighter part of my nature under. That doesn't mean I want to laugh all the time - that's denial for me and can come with a following of doctors, nurses and psychs with needles and pills in their hands - but I do need a steady shot of it daily. There is so much to enjoy in life and being gloomy-doomy about it all is a wake up call to me to get out of my head, into my heart, and out and among folks who know how to enjoy themselves and their lives more often than not.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 30th of July 2014 05:37:46 PM

Temple · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm not editing--I'm going back and cleaning up my spelling.

Temple · ~*Service Worker*~

Serenity: Miss Temple. That's so sweet. You must be Southern.

GTB: Sounds like you have struck a balance.

PP:Crazy is hanging out on the porch with me. Love that phrase. I either ticked somebody off or hurt her feelings (somebody in the flesh and blood world) and I apologized and she's not responding and I'm five years old again and my mother has just told me not to talk so much or the other kids won't like me. And For that and many other reasons I probably belong on the ACA board, although nobody drank. And I'm like a bull in a china shop over there--used to try to be supportive and cheer people up and there was one poor girl that was perhaps just driven away by me. I am too ham-fisted for there and quite possibly too screwed up for here, and that is why I do so much more lurking than sharing.

p.s. DDH, who functions better than I do in lots of ways, called the Lady--she'd been out of town, the secretary sent us a proposal she shouldn't have, all is well. Whew! I am going to detach from that, too. It's an ill-begotten business deal we got into trying to rescue our daughter--why does that sound unsurprising to everybody, no doubt--and my name is on the contract, too, so when things I think we are legally obligated to pay come up and DDH. May I call him Dilbert? Cause he's trained as an Engineer? When Dilbert says no way, no how, never going to pay that, I throw my mind and body into the shredder. Anyway, No Mas! Let's You and Him Fight. I'm going to go get a manicure. Same way when I'm worried about the kid and holding down expenses cause we're still supplementing her income and she goes shopping like she's a Hilton. I finally decided on that that I am going to start taking better care of me and if she spends her inheritance before she gets it, well, I won't be here to see it, will I? Even Dilbert said the other day (and God and these here witnesses know that could change on a dime) for me to go ahead and get the sconces I really liked even if they were more expensive, cause he'd just sent off a big check to one of those other people.
Do I think maybe I have given too much power away when all somebody has to do to render me a mental basket case is just don't answer an email or a phone call?

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Gee, Temple - in response to your "...too screwed up for here...," a mentor of mine once told me that if I didn't see myself screwed up in some way, she wouldn't trust me very much. In the words of Will Campell in some book without a remembered title: "We're all screwed up and (our HP) God loves us anyway." One of the Al-Anon sayings I learned on this board: "We're here because we're all not there." Welcome to the family, Temple. We are all Miracles in Progress with emphasis on the progress part for me. I am glad you're here.

On the subject of leaving something or someone - there have been times in my recovery when I thought I'd left an organization or a friendship because of "the others." At this point in my life, I have learned that in many cases, I've already made the decision to leave something or someone and if it feels too difficult to say that - especially when I'm not sure of the reason myself - I've said it was due to the other something or someone. If I'm really honest with myself, oftentimes I'm leaving because my pride has been insulted, I've been judging the other person and they're seriously coming up lacking in my self-righteous opinion, I'm afraid I don't know how to take care of myself in a particular situation or with a particular person and want to escape that "not knowing" reality about me, or I've been itching to try something new for a long time and looking for a reason or a person to blame rather than just say what is true for me i.e. it's time for me to experience something new or goodbye for now or nothing at all. I gave up blaming others for my choices or letting them blame me for theirs. I forget that I gave those things up sometimes but our program helps me remember again.

You are doing just fine. You have a good sense of humor. You have been a big support to me at various times throughout my history with MIP. You have been practicing your program - your shares demonstrate that. You are honest and down to earth, too. You don't have to be perfect to be on this board. None of us are. (((T)))

-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 30th of July 2014 02:03:55 PM

-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 30th of July 2014 02:05:25 PM

-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 30th of July 2014 02:08:19 PM

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Temple I too enjoyed all your shares and insights, Loved everyone responses as well. I simply believe that alcoholic, even ones in recovery, do not like to admit that there is anything wrong with them or that they made a mistake, so they cover it up with being arbitrary or like he indicates " He pretends to be forgetful" so he can get mad at you," Sounds silly to me I would continue to remind him of stuff I needed done , AND WHEN HE GETS MAD SAY" I KNOW YOU ARE ONLY PRTENDING TO FORRGET. " AND I AM NOT PLAYING THE GAME WITH YOU."
Thank you for being here and sharing the journey

andromeda · ~*Service Worker*~

Love this thread. Hey, maybe this explains what happened to my frozen herbs I had in the freezer? When I came back from one of my trips recently, my RAH had re-organized the freezer and I couldn't find my bag of frozen herbs(they were packaged little blocks of basil, garlic, ginger, and cilantro that I get at Trader Joe's). I asked RAH what he might have done with them since I noticed everything else was moved around. He said, "Oh, I just got rid of the stuff that smelled like garlic because our ice cubes were tasting nasty." Oh, OK...sooooo, did you throw out the herbs or not? "Nope, don't know where they are." I asked him a week later and he swears he didn't throw them out and said, "Well, I know they are expensive so I wouldn't have thrown them out."

Maybe he just forgets now, LOL? He seems to forget just about everything else I tell him anyway. Like Betty mentioned above, my RAH likes to be arbitrary and vague with his responses. The herbs will always be a mystery to me, LOL!

Temple · ~*Service Worker*~

Betty: Thanks for your support. Missed you. Thought maybe you had gone on a birthday walkabout but felt a little uneasy when you weren't on for a day or two.

Andromeda: Let me see. Maybe I can help you. I have a crystal ball. Oh, here it is. He threw them out. He's either forgotten or he's lying. See how easy it is when it's somebody else's husband? Tee-hee!

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