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Good morning everyone!
The good news is I have a temporary sponsor..which I'm really glad I do! F2F meetings are wonderful..I'm really enjoying them :)
I'm however struggling a lot with boundaries. Along with those boundaries..balancing stuff my AM can't do for herself physically vs. stuff she enables me to do..it is frustrating for me because I want to not help her but I want her to do stuff for herself..make sense? I tend to get angry when she asks me to do simple stuff..like carry clothes up stairs..stuff she can't do herself vs. getting annoyed when she asks me to do anything else..don't get me wrong I love her but resent her for enabling and manipulating me.. any advice? Thank you.
I too struggle with boundaries with my AH. I have to tell myself that he is a master at manipulation. I have to walk away and re affirm what I know is healthy. It is hard, one day at a time. I find I go 5 steps forward and then 2 back...a struggle hopefully I will get there too
It appears to me, PG, that maybe you are aware of some of your issues and acceptance is just around the corner? That will then be followed by guided action that comes as we work the steps with our sponsor, attend meetings, and continue to keep the focus on ourselves. Just like our not having any power over our loved ones drinking, thoughts, feelings and behaviors - they don't really have any power over ours unless we allow it. As you continue to progress in the program, you will continue to see ways to set boundaries you can live with that are right for you. My loved ones lived with me for awhile as adults. Their resentment grew. It grew because they didn't like feeling dependent on me. That was a healthy shift in their thinking and I was grateful to see it. I knew it was time to do less and love them more by doing more of what I loved doing that didn't involve them.
Grateful2be..I really hope that acceptance is around the corner because it is very frustrating and confusing..do I not do anything at all to help my AM or do I pick and choose my battles? I already talked with my temporary sponsor who told me to think 'how is this benefitting/useful to me'? Is this a good way to think about boundariea?
For example, I came home tonight from work and my mom who was drinking asked me to order food for dinner..I told she could..she balked and said she didn't know how..I tried hard to tell her I couldn't b/c I had stuff to do..she manipulated me into doing it which makes me mad at myself b/c I don't have the sef confidence to tell her to her face (yet it's easier in my head) to tell her that I am tired of doing stuff for her that she can do herself..I am constantly picking fights with her over stupid petty stuff, that if she weren't drinking it wouldn't be a problem..but since she is..she finds it easy as hell to manipulate me... when she asked me tonight why I made a big deal about it..I can't tell her that it is because she is a maniplulative person when she drinks...can i?
I agree with your sponsor. "How is this benefiting/useful to me?" is a good way to begin setting boundaries with your Mom. Boundaries are for us and aren't intended to change the other person. When we begin setting boundaries, others aren't used to that and may try to push us to change back. The more you set boundaries and feel the discomfort of that and still stay true to the boundary you have set, the more confidence you will build. This isn't about fighting battles as much as it is about us saying yes when we mean yes and no when we mean no. We don't have to explain the boundary we have set. We also wind up wearing ourselves out if we want the other person to agree with our boundary. You are setting a boundary because you are tired of doing what your Mom can do for herself and there are things you need to do for you more than because your Mom can be manipulative when she drinks if I remember your post accurately? I'm not sure you have to explain that to your Mom. It is important for you to be clear on why it is you've decided you aren't going to do for her what she can do for herself. Knowing my motives for saying yes or no to a request helps me remain soft, honest and resolute.
I can tell you that I knew somebody who thought he was helpless like your Mom. He had owned his own business, had served in WWII, had been married and had children of his own. Yet, he'd tell me he didn't know how to make phone calls on his own, didn't know how to order things, didn't know how to do a lot of things that I was fairly certain he did know how to do. I'd just look at him when he'd ask me to do for him what he could do for himself, smile and say something that was pleasant and go do something else. He had a choice. He could stand in my office and not get his need met or he could pick up the phone book, find what he wanted, and make his own call. I'm sure there were times he wanted to throttle me because I wouldn't give in to believing he couldn't make his own phone calls, find his own coat, clean up after himself, or stop drinking. He couldn't manipulate me because I wouldn't let him do it. There were times things got a little uncomfortable for me because sometimes it felt like it was more work to refuse him than to just go ahead and do what he could do for himself. I didn't let him use drinking as an excuse for silly behavior either. He died of a heart attack when he was 75 years old after being sober for several years. He told me he couldn't stop drinking either. He did. But he stopped because he wanted to do it. Not because I wanted him to do it.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Thursday 31st of July 2014 10:01:42 PM
Phoenix we all started that way and it is part of the "changing the things I can" from the Serenity Prayer. In time you will arrive at that boundary line and see it and feel it and have it trigger a different response than the usual or habitual one. One of the ones I learned to say nicely (say what I mean, mean what I say and don't say it mean) was "Not this time" when she wanted me to play my part in the disease that didn't work for me. She responded "But you've always done it this way" and I repeated..."I know and not this time". She had a hissy fit and then took care of it herself. When I learned how powerful and destructive my enabling was I started to learn how to unwind it and it worked wonders....for me. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
